How does one manage? Mental illness, Family and Maintaining a Job?

I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it.
Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not
in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all
that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games.
Escapism with out drugs now.

When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I
don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?

Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a
detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know
if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti-
depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath
though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.

I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a
cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at
that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and
Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The
Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak
world.

Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever,
recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal
with for the rest of my life?

Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the
prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't
get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my
beliefs from a little of every religion.

Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from
cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?

Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is
getting me down.

All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the
UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia
illness have accepted it.

Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them
keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although
another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.

Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day
and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require
our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.

On May 16, 10:15*am, ChrisC <chrisp...@googlemail.com> wrote:
> I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it.
> Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not
> in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all
> that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games.
> Escapism with out drugs now.
>
> When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I
> don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
>
> Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a
> detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know
> if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti-
> depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath
> though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
>
> I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a
> cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at
> that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and
> Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The
> Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak
> world.
>
> Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever,
> recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal
> with for the rest of my life?
>
> Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the
> prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't
> get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my
> beliefs from a little of every religion.
>
> Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from
> cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
>
> Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is
> getting me down.
>
> All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the
> UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia
> illness have accepted it.
>
> Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them
> keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although
> another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
>
> Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day
> and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require
> our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.

I read this and I wish I had an answer for you...and for myself.

I sympathize because I have the same difficulties and guilt about the
kids. I am lucky enough that my major attacks don't happen that
often, but when they do I feel to be the worst mom ever. My children
are also at the age where they could try and understand what mom goes
through, but I still think they are too young to be burdened with the
full truth.

The best I can do to cope is to tell myself that the reason the panic
set in is because I need to slow down and take time for myself. It is
kind of a lie really, but it is all I can do. If I try to force
myself out of it, the panic gets worse.

I don't like to think too deeply on the subject, it hurts too much. I
am mostly like a wound up toy, going and going, because if I slow down
some of those thoughts intrude, or at least I think they will. It's
messed up, but there it is.

Anyway that is how I manage with the times I am a big old f-ing mess
and can't be there for the kids just then. Just tell myself, oh, I
guess it is *me* time again. It doesn't always work, but maybe you
can give it a try.

Vickie

the KEY to this is 'management'! as you would ANY illness. you can't
'cure' it, so to speak. first accept it, then find the treatment that
works for you. i personally feel that just taking meds isn't always
the answer. IF you have any kind of insurance coverage, go for some
good therapy. you can manage this, and still have a good life!

take care, and don't give up. this is your life you are fighting for!

gigglz


On Fri, 16 May 2008 10:15:51 -0700 (PDT), ChrisC
<chrispche@googlemail.com> wrote:

>I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it.
>Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not
>in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all
>that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games.
>Escapism with out drugs now.
>
>When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I
>don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
>
>Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a
>detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know
>if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti-
>depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath
>though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
>
>I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a
>cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at
>that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and
>Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The
>Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak
>world.
>
>Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever,
>recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal
>with for the rest of my life?
>
>Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the
>prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't
>get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my
>beliefs from a little of every religion.
>
>Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from
>cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
>
>Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is
>getting me down.
>
>All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the
>UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia
>illness have accepted it.
>
>Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them
>keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although
>another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
>
>Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day
>and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require
>our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.

On May 19, 4:30*pm, Gigglz <Frek...@Hotmail.com> wrote:
> the KEY to this is 'management'! *as you would ANY illness. *you can't
> 'cure' it, so to speak. *first accept it, then find the treatment that
> works for you. *i personally feel that just taking meds isn't always
> the answer. *IF you have any kind of insurance coverage, go for some
> good therapy. *you can manage this, and still have a good life!
>
> take care, and don't give up. *this is your life you are fighting for!
>
> gigglz
>

Hey, I don't mean to take over Chris C's post, but I wanted to ask you
gigglz, have you every had panic over going to a therapist and if so,
how did you get over that?

(Pardon Chris)

Vickie

On Mon, 19 May 2008 16:50:11 -0700 (PDT), Vickie
<lilliputianbizzare@gmail.com> wrote:

>On May 19, 4:30*pm, Gigglz <Frek...@Hotmail.com> wrote:
>> the KEY to this is 'management'! *as you would ANY illness. *you can't
>> 'cure' it, so to speak. *first accept it, then find the treatment that
>> works for you. *i personally feel that just taking meds isn't always
>> the answer. *IF you have any kind of insurance coverage, go for some
>> good therapy. *you can manage this, and still have a good life!
>>
>> take care, and don't give up. *this is your life you are fighting for!
>>
>> gigglz



>Hey, I don't mean to take over Chris C's post, but I wanted to ask you
>gigglz, have you every had panic over going to a therapist and if so,
>how did you get over that?
>
>(Pardon Chris)
>
>Vickie

yes i did at first, before i KNEW my therapist. i just forced myself
to do it. i'm a stubborn old bat! :-) i chugged ice water (that's
my little driving trick for panic in the car). if i was ever anxious
while IN the therapist's office, she always walked me through it. as
soon as you can distract your mind some how, you will feel better. i
know that sounds easier said than done, and it is.

if you are at the part where you haven't even made the
appointment...you will feel MUCH better once you HAVE made that
appointment. you have to really fight, and you have to be really
tired of letting it 'win'.

you CAN do this. you are stronger than 'it'. :-)

hugs,
gigglz

On May 19, 5:52*pm, Gigglz <Frek...@Hotmail.com> wrote:
> On Mon, 19 May 2008 16:50:11 -0700 (PDT), Vickie

>
> <lilliputianbizz...@gmail.com> wrote:
> >On May 19, 4:30*pm, Gigglz <Frek...@Hotmail.com> wrote:
> >> the KEY to this is 'management'! *as you would ANY illness. *you can't
> >> 'cure' it, so to speak. *first accept it, then find the treatment that
> >> works for you. *i personally feel that just taking meds isn't always
> >> the answer. *IF you have any kind of insurance coverage, go for some
> >> good therapy. *you can manage this, and still have a good life!
>
> >> take care, and don't give up. *this is your life you are fighting for!
>
> >> gigglz
> >Hey, I don't mean to take over Chris C's post, but I wanted to ask you
> >gigglz, have you every had panic over going to a therapist and if so,
> >how did you get over that?
>
> >(Pardon Chris)

>
> yes i did at first, before i KNEW my therapist. *i just forced myself
> to do it. *i'm a stubborn old bat! *:-) * i chugged ice water (that's
> my little driving trick for panic in the car). *if i was ever anxious
> while IN the therapist's office, she always walked me through it. *as
> soon as you can distract your mind some how, you will feel better. *i
> know that sounds easier said than done, and it is.

Yeah, I suppose I would work myself up all week, before going in. The
attacks in with the therapist were so strong though, it became too
painful.

She did her best I guess.

I do have to thank her. While having a huge attack she asked me what
I thought I looked like, which I thought was an odd question. I told
her I must look like a crazy monster person. She told me straight
out, no way. I looked like myself maybe a bit hyper. (I have a
tendency to pace and it is hard to keep still when having an attack).
She said it was probably my inner self trying to escape, well, myself
really.

>
> if you are at the part where you haven't even made the
> appointment...you will feel MUCH better once you HAVE made that
> appointment. *you have to really fight, and you have to be really
> tired of letting it 'win'.

No, my meds have been doing the trick for the most part. Totally
workable.
It is just when I get the little "buzzes" in the back of my head and I
think there may come a time to see someone, well, it doesn't sit well
with me.

>
> you CAN do this. *you are stronger than 'it'. *:-)

So, like most everything, you have to push through this one.
Okay, thanks G.

Vickie

On Tue, 20 May 2008 14:02:36 -0700 (PDT), Vickie
<lilliputianbizzare@gmail.com> wrote:


>Yeah, I suppose I would work myself up all week, before going in. The
>attacks in with the therapist were so strong though, it became too
>painful.
>
>She did her best I guess.

so sorry, hun ;-(


>I do have to thank her. While having a huge attack she asked me what
>I thought I looked like, which I thought was an odd question. I told
>her I must look like a crazy monster person. She told me straight
>out, no way. I looked like myself maybe a bit hyper. (I have a
>tendency to pace and it is hard to keep still when having an attack).
>She said it was probably my inner self trying to escape, well, myself
>really.

interesting concept here.


>No, my meds have been doing the trick for the most part. Totally
>workable.

good

>It is just when I get the little "buzzes" in the back of my head and I
>think there may come a time to see someone, well, it doesn't sit well
>with me.

i understand, vickie.
i'm having "buzzes" for the last two days.
sucks, doesn't it?


>So, like most everything, you have to push through this one.
>Okay, thanks G.

yup. not always so easy, either.
i'm practicing today as i speak.
if you ever get hung up, email me, OK?

hugs,
gigglz

On May 21, 11:30*am, Gigglz <Frek...@Hotmail.com> wrote:
> On Tue, 20 May 2008 14:02:36 -0700 (PDT), Vickie
>
> <lilliputianbizz...@gmail.com> wrote:
> >Yeah, I suppose I would work myself up all week, before going in. *The
> >attacks in with the therapist were so strong though, it became too
> >painful.
>
> >She did her best I guess.
>
> so sorry, hun ;-(

Yeah, well, it just seems impossibly hard to find a good, or maybe I
should say the *right* therapist, for me anyway.

> >No, my meds have been doing the trick for the most part. *Totally
> >workable.
>
> good
>
> >It is just when I get the little "buzzes" in the back of my head and I
> >think there may come a time to see someone, well, it doesn't sit well
> >with me.
>
> i understand, vickie.
> i'm having "buzzes" for the last two days.
> sucks, doesn't it?

Yes!
Sorry to hear you are getting it lately.
Distraction, distraction, distraction.

>
> >So, like most everything, you have to push through this one.
> >Okay, thanks G.
>
> yup. *not always so easy, either.
> i'm practicing today as i speak.
> if you ever get hung up, email me, OK?

Thanks for the offer. I will if need be, since you don't mind.

Wish you all the best and luck with the damn buzzes.

Vickie

On Thu, 22 May 2008 08:51:59 -0700 (PDT), Vickie
<lilliputianbizzare@gmail.com> wrote:

>On May 21, 11:30*am, Gigglz <Frek...@Hotmail.com> wrote:
>> On Tue, 20 May 2008 14:02:36 -0700 (PDT), Vickie
>>
>> <lilliputianbizz...@gmail.com> wrote:
>> >Yeah, I suppose I would work myself up all week, before going in. *The
>> >attacks in with the therapist were so strong though, it became too
>> >painful.
>>
>> >She did her best I guess.
>>
>> so sorry, hun ;-(
>
>Yeah, well, it just seems impossibly hard to find a good, or maybe I
>should say the *right* therapist, for me anyway.


well don't give up trying, OK?


>
>> >No, my meds have been doing the trick for the most part. *Totally
>> >workable.
>>
>> good
>>
>> >It is just when I get the little "buzzes" in the back of my head and I
>> >think there may come a time to see someone, well, it doesn't sit well
>> >with me.
>>
>> i understand, vickie.
>> i'm having "buzzes" for the last two days.
>> sucks, doesn't it?
>
>Yes!
>Sorry to hear you are getting it lately.
>Distraction, distraction, distraction.


yup, yup, yup. i'm trying.
i think it might be my new thyroid dose messing with me.


>
>>
>> >So, like most everything, you have to push through this one.
>> >Okay, thanks G.
>>
>> yup. *not always so easy, either.
>> i'm practicing today as i speak.
>> if you ever get hung up, email me, OK?
>
>Thanks for the offer. I will if need be, since you don't mind.
>
>Wish you all the best and luck with the damn buzzes.
>
>Vickie


and good luck to you with your damn buzzes, too. :-) LOL
we are the buzz queens!

take care, vickie!

hugs from gigglz