On Feb 7, 11:17 am, "~tanya" <Subnbel...@aol.com> wrote:
> On Jan 20, 7:26�am, Philip Peters <phi...@p-peters.demon.nl> wrote:
>
> > Chances are you won't notice much. Lithium takes a few weeks to kick in
> > but there shouldn't be any terrible side effects such as the SSRI's etc.
> > can cause in the beginning.
i guess those weeks didn't serve me well.
every drug isn't for everyone, i'm aware. i DO appreciate Your,
Philip, as well as Laurie's and others' support.
the last few weeks have been hell, and not a hell to blame on lithium,
although this drug somehow allowed me to do things i was capalable of
when "managing", when drug free.
"allowing" is NOT a responsibility factor of a drug, it's most likely
an excuse.
i've always considered myself "in power" of my life, now i consider
myself in power of "knowing" i'm not powerful in my life when power is
in my pictures.
i smoked crack, i smoked meth.
i SWORE i'd do both things after i'd removed myself from the body
ornamentation business, but didn't.
until... i vaporized in'ah lithium fog.
as one that takes total responsibility, i do NOT blame or RAH RAH
lithium for either, and i also know i'd have done neither, (inherently
i know i wouldn't have) without that drug to fall back on. i utilized
it to my advantage/disadvantage. it was my touch-stone to rationalize
my behavior.
the bad news is.... i smoked crack once (the whole hooplah ta gettin
that drug is way more time-consuming than the actual smokin' it) and i
got NOTHIN' but pissed off about tha whole experience... i didn't even
feel as good as i do eatin' brussell sprouts.
THEN i got pissed off at tha folks around me for consumin' 3.5 hours
of my time and even MORE pissed at their behavior.
then tha meth. HAR di HAR ! THAT was IT???????? i did getta good
look at tha folks around me, tha ones i'd surrounded myself with in
some desperado attempt to remove myself from reality... and their
little "off in'ah corner" sessions, who they REALLY were, so i can't
say it was all for naught.
the good news is...i'm glad THAT's over with, as are those folks.
i HIGHLY suggest that if smokin' that stuff is'ah huge fear, as it was
for me, ya go do it IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER !!!! you TOO can know
it do one of two things... either know there's NO "high" involved
that's gonna take ya ta heaven's gate, or letcha know what folks are
all about........ or both.
but that's just my experience i'm presumin' to inflict on y'all.
(lord.)
::fast forward and back-track::
after my first 2 weeks on lithium, i became not only a recluse, (which
is NOT at all my fare in life,) but a recluse in a venue that left an
opportunistic path of destruction, one of ignorance that was becoming
of my world of magnanimous proports i'd created with tha demeanor
of'ah foot-soldier of life's loving.
after 17 years in'ah business i pioneered in my area, one ridden with
judgment, angst, hallerluyerists, bible thumpers, repugnance, and
nothing affirming in it's future that i, single-handedly... rose
above, took my business above. i created a respectful and respected
door to enter.
it's about time i sing my own praises, as did the body ornamentation
world.
hopefully, i lived up to tha praise admonished on me.
i'm proud.
FINALLY, i can say... "i'm proud."
i was noted as'ah mover and'ah shaker in tha business world, and
recognized by entrepreneurs as "one of them".... (we can spot each
other, i was told by NO slouch.)
as a major success, i indulged tha counter of major failure with my
head held high. i suppose. i wasn't emotionally or financially vested
in the eithers/or, and not really knowing which was more more
redeeming. failure and success seemed and seems literally
coincidental. comfort, for me lies, respectively, in both.
my news mag has been sittin' on "G" waitin' on "O" for HOW MANY MONTHS
NOW? and i was <----> that far from havin' it on tha skreets 7 months
ago. it was waitin' on it's courtesy call, one that would overwhelm
my fear of judgment, loss of self-esteem, and wonderment of "what if i
fail" i found important, one i know is not at all important, when tha
bullet hits tha bone.
it never was an issue in tha 'pre-mag' days, why is it now?
i'll tell ya why.
"why" is...
i stopped doin' and started thinkin'.
i started fixin' what wasn't broken.
i began figgerin' out tha un-figger-out-able.
i became a product.
life became impactful.
life was no longer "living."
the outcome became important.
the journey became important.
i lost my "whatevah"-ness,
i lost my laugh.
i discovered discontent.
i indulged the probabilities.
i fergot tha possibilities.
i didn't "not think."
i didn't do SOMETHING, no matter if it was right or wrong, as long as
it was SOMETHING... (thanks, Gar)... i did nothing.
i forgot there ARE no heros when confronted with adversity.
i forgot that heros are those that say they don't like choklit cake
when there ain't enough ta go around.
i forgot that there's nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit,
as there's no prosthetic for that.
i remember that we're in this world together, we're not islands, nor
do we wanna be.
this drug, lithium, was'ah catalyst, it didn't change a thing about
me, it only changed tha way i thought about me.
it could'ah been maggots, it just happened ta be lithium.
as Birmingham, Alabama is nicked "The Magic City"...
"Magic City Rag" subtitled "the word on the street" is now slotted for
an April 14th (muh Bro's suicide anniversary) publication, and will
hit tha skreets on tha 17th.
somehow, i've stopped taking
xanax, i dunno why.
i'll figger that out t'marrah.
t'marrah's another day.
~tanya .... (i'm scared of tha dark and tight places. i'll work on
that t'marrah, as well.)
~tanya! 
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