 Re: When fears grow
On Aug 16, 8:46 pm, i coulda been someone <filmbuf...@yahoo.ca> wrote:
> I can't seem to control my fears, it;'s like I have become afraid of
> everything at once, and its exact opposite.
what would happen if you gave yourself permission to put these fears
aside, maybe even do something symbolic like put all your fears in a
box, shut it, stick it in a safe place where you have no access to it
for maybe .... one hour. if a fear pops into your mind, put it in the
box. you can have them back in an hour.
you can do whatever you want during that hour. relax, call a friend,
watch Dr. Phil (that'd be my choice, but hey)... get'an ice cream
cone, read, lay down and feel the fear of letting go of the fear,
meditate, write the beginning of the soap opera for my magazine
<wink> , roll pennies, cry, scream, pray, paint an accent wall, etc.
it's YOUR hour.
then maybe shoot for 2 hours, then maybe 4, etc.
i don't guarantee much, but i guarantee that whatever is gonna happen
will happen with or without your fear. you have no control, i'm
bettin' you'll eventually find your power.
obsessions are difficult. neurosis is consuming me.. changing
behavior could be a change for the worse.
.... or maybe not.
obsessions are goofy. neuroses make for funny stories to tell your
friends. changing behavior is exciting. i
it's up to you how you decide it feel. they're your feelings. you get
to make the choice.
> So, I am paralyzed.
wow. how you managing to type????
my artists used to say to me... "tanya, could you render yourself
paralyzed from the neck up and the nose down for 3 goddam hours and
give me some peace while i finish this tattoo?" i said "then how can
i talk?" he said "BINGOOOOOOOO! " it was daily fare. one swell
artist emptied out a storage closet, put a futon in it, and made a
sign that said "GAFT ROOM (touch this door when it's locked, i gotta
glock.)"
GAFT???
"yeah, GET AWAY FROM TANYA ROOM." word spread, ended up with'ah GAFT
TOOM in every shop, i was so pissed.
i felt paralyzed when that door was shut cuz i couldn't talk to that
particular artist and couldn't touch the door, couldn't even breathe,
i felt so alone.. (even though there were usually 10-20 other people
in the shop.) THIS little idea sent me in a state of panic of major
proports. WHY? i had no control.
when he finally appeared and graced us with his presence (vomit), i
was fine. pissed, but fine. after about 8-10 of these GAFT episodes,
i realized i had the power to NOT flip out, i had the power to ignore
that closed door, and the outcome was the same with the panic and
without it. it sounds goofy, but it was a huge deal to me. i finally
decided that i'd shove em in there when they irritated me, got a
latch, slapped that sucker on that door and molding , got my OWN
lockset and let'em out when i was good'n ready.
that's the most retarded example on the planet regarding the illusion
of control/lack of control vs. power but i'm not exactly a wealth of
brilliance, even in the "example" department. (i know it's shocking,
but true.)
> Do I need to be hospitalized ?
yes.
immediately.
there's cute doctors there and your mission is ta find me one.
ARE YOU STILL HERE???????
gurllllllllllll? you better GIT ta steppin, you gotta mission and it
ain't an easy one. i'm almost 50, i hear my odds of findin'ah husband
are less than tha odds of gettin' laid by john travolta. so...
YOU......GOTTA.... WERK !... and find me one that ain't married, gay,
has baggage, or a history of rehab. now GO ! (don't make me call
911, i know tha number.)
> Afraid that will make it worse,
why don't ya go and find out? you'll never know unless you indulge
the experience. you can leave anytime, they don't tie ya down.
(believe me, they don't... i gave that'n my best shot.)
you can change your focus. it's yours, yanno. make it an adventure,
a new experience, you might even discover something. you can go
through drawers and steal stuff like forceps and rubber gloves and
those posters on the walls that have sum nekkid guy with lines
pointin' to every part of his anatomy and names for 'em. i always
wanted one'ah them. i dunno why. i never saw "wee
wee"-------------------------> on any'ah them posters, and none'ah
them guys got one anyway. i name 'em all "ken" cuz they have no
genitalia. ("ken" was my first experience with porn, i was 5, i
think..)
just go. i swear i cried when i left tha psych ward, i still talk to
my friends i made there ta this day, the nurses cried, the patients
cried, i begged ta stay, my dad said "THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS
DISPLAY I HAVE EVER WITNESSED, GET IN THE CAR !" so everybody walked
me to the car, it was like'ah scene from that movie where all them
gals huddle together and move as a unit...i fergot tha name. i STILL
go up there, though seldomly, on our tuesday night, and sometimes run
into a former patient, always see nurses i liked tons, we jump up'n
down and hug and scream like idiots, my Dad went once, but of
course... it was "THE MOST RIDICULOUS DISPLAY I HAVE EVER WITNESSED,
people actin' crazy in a loony bin, it ain't normal." (newsflash,
there, Dad !) he sure did run his big ole mouth when he was chowin'
down on that free chicken, though... he couldn't shut up for love nor
money, it was "THE MOST RIDICULOUS DISPLAY I HAVE EVER WITNESSED !"
> I feel
> trapped,
by what?
> backed into a corner,
corners are corners because structurally create an open space.
> and only place i'll end up is in a
> homeless shelter.
with all my extreme ups and down, the way i choose to live life, i've
been homeless a few times... no shelter, they were always
overcroweded, so the streets were my home more than'ah few times. and
yeah, i didn't wanna leave there each time, my Dad picked me up in the
mission district once, and of course i bawled my eyes out, and you got
it... "THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS DISPLAY I HAVE EVER WITNESSED."
i'm guessing that you think being homeless is the worse that could
happen.
it may be.
it may not be.
most likely, you'll never know.
yeah, of course i rambled, what's new. the only thing i can suggest,
other than the former suggestions is........
i know i overstayed my welcome here, i kinda felt it was important for
you to know that you are your own worst enemy, you can change your
focus, your feelings, your world and possibly someone else's ! the
world is'ah wonderland, it's up to you to decide how you view your
place in it.
> I'm terrified
do something. do anything. even if it's wrong, do SOMETHING !
maybe even do that "hour" now. there's no time like right now.
know there's humor in everything, ya just gotta be open to it.
....and leave room to be surprised.
buh bye for now. (oh, and i'd prefer a doctor with no kids.)
xoxoxoxo
~t
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