necros wrote:
"Well, I honestly cannot remember my dreams and I've awoken a bit more
tired than normal."
Xanax initially causes some sedation, less than most drugs in its
class, and it's temporary. Like all other annoyances, that too can be
'managed'.
"I started to wonder if I really slept deeply or if
I was in a semi-sleep all night due to the tiredness."
Does it matter?
"I wouldn't say
it's discouraged me from xanax, it just made me wonder if my brain
doesn't recharge as well with xanax floating around. Who knows, I
can't remember waking up once all night."
That seems like a good thing to me.
"I feel the anxiety of the procedure coming back all morning full
strength. I'm getting very nervous again and a bit part of me just
wants to skip it and never get it done but it's really critical that I
do. I think xanax this afternoon will help with that again. I just
can't believe it's today, hopefully with xanax in me I can face the
fear and be strong headed. It just kind of sucks that I can't be
strong enough without a medication in me."
There are plenty of things that happen to people that really suck, but
they learn to accept them. There are also plenty of good things that
happen in life; it's really just one big package of stuff that happens,
some good, some not so good.
"I was really trying to find
the strength myself like I've always done since I was diagnosed with
anxiety / panic disorder. As one doctor told me, if I wasn't going to
be medicated I'd have to force myself to face my fears but this one
just isn't doable without help."
I can't fix my car without help most of the time, but I don't beat
myself up for that; and I can't think of any good reason that you
should either - sometimes we just need some help.
Somehow, you are capable of making this discernment, which seems good
(at least on the face of it). The thing with fears is that once we
realize we CAN manage whatever the situation du jour is, fears tend to
have less dominion and tend to feel sort of diluted.
"So I plan on taking 1/2 of a .25 at about 3pm CST. My procedure is at
5pm. I'll be driving myself and going alone. I think I'd be more
anxious if someone was with me"
Maybe.
"because I really need to feel in control."
That's really the core of much of this problem. We don't have control
over a whole lot, and want to, and "control of things" is really very
much an illusion. As we learn more and more about this whole "control"
thing, we tend to seek it less, realizing it's a somewhat futile
effort.
"I'd feel like I HAD to and would be too embarrassed if I went
and couldn't do it with someone else coming. This way deep inside I
know I can chicken out even though I don't think I will. I just like
reassuring myself that I never have to do anything".
You can reassure yourself all day long about that, but that is a false
message; there ARE plenty of things that you (and me, and everyone
else) HAVE TO DO, and certainly you are no exception. There are also
things you will HAVE to face, some of them are really, really
unpleasant, but it doesn't change the fact. This is why it would be
good to start working on this issue now, rather than ....let's say,
tomorrow. The whole concept of 'necessary suffering' is coming to mind
all of a sudden, as I write this to you. One prolific psych
author/physician suggested that it is the avoidance of necessary
suffering which is the cause of much mental illness.
"Thanks for all the advice and suggestions. My mother is extremely
proud that I did this because I've been somewhat crippled in some ways
by anxiety / panic disorder due to my avoidance behavior of my
triggers."
I'm glad that your mother is feeling good. How are YOU feeling? How
do these feelings affect your thoughts? How do your thoughts affect
your actions (or non-actions) ? The answers to those questions are of
most importance to you, and don't require response in this forum,
unless you think that would help you in some way.
"So with your help, you made one of my mom's dreams come true"
Well, technically, YOU did that.
"to see me do something that may help me be normal again."
There are probably many, many ways in which you ARE normal, and
'normal' is somewhat relative anyway. I prefer the idea of "adaptive",
as opposed to "maladaptive".
"I used to be fearless, I really don't know what happened."
I'm thinking that "fearless" is just as bad as "anxiety-ridden" is,
except perhaps for the simple fact that "fearless" isn't real - all
people have fears, it's about what we do with them - what we do in
response to them - that is going to play a huge role in determining the
quality of our lives. As to 'what happened', it may just be as simple
as *life happened* (I learned this from an excellent physician...) -
the trick is to have as much impact on your life as your life has on
you, or even more of the former. There are plenty of victims, some
practice it to an art - you do not have to be one of them.
"Anxiety and panic
disorder hit me out of no where after I had
quit smoking and to this
day I don't understand it."
I'm sure there is some fascinating neurochemical explanatory
possibility here - others are better at that than I am - but you
probably relied on smoking for something, and didn't replace it. The
reason isn't terribly important - not smoking is really important, and
I'd urge you to remain smoke-free at almost any cost - the results of
tobacco use are disastrous, and you wouldn't wish them on anyone.
Focus on the fact that you took care of yourself, made a healthy
decision, and will manage the sequelae of it - "no matter what".
"I am heading off to work now but thanks again to everyone. I'm happy
to report that I didn't die, I didn't go into seizures, I didn't flip
out or anything else after the xanax hit."
Of course you didn't. A full half of the people with panic disorder
are unable to even keep a job - realize, be aware of, and capitalize on
your strengths. Also, try to listen to your own self-talk more. The
Xanax "hit" - sounds like a missile or bomb. It's a medicine, and it
didn't "hit" you, it simply "worked for you". As to not dying, most
dead people do not post here.
"I can rest a little more
easy today when I take it and perhaps I've taken a first step into
becoming the man I used to be."
Or maybe just "the person you are", who doesn't worry about everything
under the sun.
"I've always wanted to travel again and
maybe now I can with xanax."
Of course you can travel, and you certainly can take some Xanax if you
want to.
Consider a scale of "control", since that topic seems a germane one
here. Feelings get a value of "1", thoughts get a value of "10", and
behaviors get a value of "100". Think of them sorta/kinda like
percentage, but not exactly/precisely in that way. It's also a
somewhat multi-dimensional model, where you could equally substitute
the idea of "results" for the idea of control. We have very little
control over feelings/emotions, they vary sometimes by the minute, and
we really can't act on too many of them because if we did, we'd be
running around in circles all day long. Thoughts we have somewhat more
control over, and we can become better practiced at the process of
creating affirming and useful thoughts, as opposed to frightening and
self-defeating ones. Behaviors and Actions obviously are the thing we
have the most control over, and also the things that yield the highest
level of result (good or bad result still = result). This little model
certainly is rather blunt in many ways, and certainly does not cover
all aspects of those three items (emotions, thoughts and actions) -
e.g. feelings certainly do sometimes have a great deal of value,
depending on the context.... But.... you can use this to examine how
you are reacting to feelings and subsequent thoughts that are
destructive to you/your life. Consider getting some therapy.
Cognitive-Behavioral and Rational-Emotive are the two most studied and
seem to yield the best results, but I've been noticing that just about
any decent therapy will help someone to some extent; often quite a bit.
An interesting side-note about the feeling/thought/behavior model I
presented is that behaviors also have the highest VALUE, and thus when
refined to our advantage (from a psych standpoint) will often reduce
the number of negative feelings we have --- which is good, because they
only have a value of "1".
Consider buying this CD, and listening to it every day for a week, then
twice a week, then weekly for several months -
Title: "Feel the fear and Do it Anyway"
Author: Dr. Susan Jeffers
ISBN number: 0-7435-0918-8
You can have amazon.com ship this to you for less than 15 bucks - I
assure you it will be of value to you, it's amply apparent to me. Here
is a convenient link to ordering it, if you are pressed for time:
http://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Anyw...891105-2628164
The abridged audio-book version is better, in my opinion, because it
cuts to the chase and the longer version tends to get distracting. It
costs $11.90. Another very good book is called Feeling Good, by Dr.
David D. Burns, costs $7.99 in paperback and is an excellent
examination of thinking styles, thinking errors etc. (ISBN number
0-380-81033-6). Much fear and anxiety is a direct result of thinking
errors, so the more you know about all that, the less of this problem
you will experience.
I know that I recommend these items to people all the time, and it may
be thought that I have some connection to the authors or something - I
assure you I do not-- as much as I might like to have them as lunch
buddies, I've never met either of them.
I hope that you will be feeling better soon. It is certainly within
your grasp, and we only get one life in this realm, so why not start
now? In the process, you can create much joy for yourself and your
family, and really the whole human community. (sorry, I tend to think
a little expansively at times...) Best wishes to you in your journey
on the road to wellness!
Kindly,
Gary
Why am I so scared to take xanax? 
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