OTP: Weekend humor 1/2

*Airline Announcements?*


*United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
get in it!
***************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have. '
***************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane'*
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our
airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. *
*She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'*
*'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'*
*The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we
shot down?'*
*****************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa,
big fella, WHOA!'*
*********************************************
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell
everything has shifted after a landing like that.'*
***************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'*
***************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
**Amarillo** , **Texas** on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to **Amarillo**. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'*
*************************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
to shore and take them with our compliments.'*
*************************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses......except
for that gentleman over there.'*
********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in **Salt Lake City** . The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,
it was the asphalt.'*
******************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in **Phoenix** , the
attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal.'*
******************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'*
******************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em.'*
******************************************
A plane was taking off from **Kennedy** **Airport** .
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
captain made an announcement over the intercom,
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from **New
York** to **Los Angeles** . The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You
should see the back of mine!'*



.... Procrastinate now; don't put it off.
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12