OTP: Weekend humor 1

THE RULES OF RURAL LIFE

Listen up City Slickers !

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup
truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to
get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to
you.
But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Rt. 70 goes
east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines
and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming
in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it
up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat biscuits & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want
sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of
age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you
eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
over ice.

14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers
and the Knicks, and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an
education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave
at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped
by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see
your boxers.
Refer back to #1.

20. 2 inches of ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive in it like
you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from
the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a
whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you
out the next day.


.... The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12

On Sat, 19 Apr 2008 19:00:16 -0400, Califchief wrote
(in message <1208645365.11.0@fidotel.com>):

> 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup
> truck because I want to.

hmmmm, here most of them are gravel roads and they take a real beating trough
the winter and the spring thaw! We're avoiding them until the road crews get
to them.

> 6. So every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
> understand the concept.
And in most rural places anywhere in the country. I even wave to the
%^&%(^&$%^ who loves to rev his engine down our road, showing off his
worthless muffler.

> 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
"Opening Day" here and it's much bigger than the baseball one!
It's a religious
> holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
Nov. 15th, better known as 'St. Antler's Day" to the church folk, because
attendance at church takes a real blow the first Sunday of firearms season!
(Unless Opening Day is a Monday, in which case it's the 14th that the numbers
really fall off.)
>
> 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of
> age.
We open doors for most everyone. It's just the right thing to do for someone
who's getting to the door about the same time as you. When we lived in
Boston, I loved being nice to other folks in the stores because people were
so surprised that another urban dwelling was being nice! LOL I still do it
here, but it's just a normal level of being nice around here - the right
thing to do, but without that added perverse twist!

> 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
> vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
ROTFL! I will never forget the time I took a curried chicken salad to a
potluck here. they ate it all up and praised it, but couldn't figure out
what is was! Curry blends and even straight cumin are not frequently used
spices around here!

> Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you
> eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
had some of that last fall and I gotta agree!

> 20. 2 inches of ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive in it like
> you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from
> the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a
> whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you
> out the next day.

Now that one is a southern statement, not a "rural" one. Here, they'll dump
some salt and dirt on the ice, some businesses will clear their sidewalks and
we all walk like penguins until a thaw finallycomes. We had ice everywhere
for 6 weeks this Feb/March. There was a huge run on strap-on shoe cleats
locally!
--
Nann
remove the Gator cheer to email me
Change everything. Love & forgive.

"Nann Bell" <hanbellGOGATORS@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:0001HW.C43139F902443901F0284550@news.east.ear thlink.net...
> On Sat, 19 Apr 2008 19:00:16 -0400, Califchief wrote
> (in message <1208645365.11.0@fidotel.com>):
>>
>> 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless
>> of
>> age.
> We open doors for most everyone. It's just the right thing to do for
> someone
> who's getting to the door about the same time as you. When we lived in
> Boston, I loved being nice to other folks in the stores because people
> were
> so surprised that another urban dwelling was being nice! LOL I still do
> it
> here, but it's just a normal level of being nice around here - the right
> thing to do, but without that added perverse twist!
>


I was born and raised in Washington DC. It was almost unheard of to go to
the store and run into anyone you actually knew. That sort of feeling
anonymous I think affects how people act.

When we moved here almost forty years ago the door thing was a real novelty
to me. As well as people nodding and waving and saying hello to pretty
near everyone whether they knew them or not. (Lets face it in a small
town, you might not know the other person but odds are pretty decent that
they know who you are and know your mom and you grandma and your pastor)

That was also about the height of the part of the women's movement where a
good part of the population got all huffy if someone opened a door for
them.

Anyway, I figured manners trumped liberation. Over a few years things sort
of evolved. Now pretty near everyone opens doors for pretty near everyone
else. Whoever gets to it first usually holds it so no one else has to take
to full weight of pulling it open. Healthy young men are expect to make a
bit of an extra effort to be the first one of a group to the door. Its
considered a matter of pride.

Did I say I love living in a smaller town?
Jo

On Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:23:16 -0400, Jo Firey wrote
(in message <18ROj.10171$2g1.7411@nlpi068.nbdc.sbc.com>):

> That was also about the height of the part of the women's movement where a
> good part of the population got all huffy if someone opened a door for
> them.
LOL, I recall going out to dinner back in '75 at a restaurant with with two
sets of entrance doors. The fellow i was with held the first door for me, I
held the second for him. That fired him up! Women don't hold doors for men!
With all my high scholl friends, we held doors for each other. (I was a
college freshman at this time.) This was my first inkling this would be a
limited relationship!
>
> Anyway, I figured manners trumped liberation. Over a few years things sort
> of evolved. Now pretty near everyone opens doors for pretty near everyone
> else. Whoever gets to it first usually holds it so no one else has to take
> to full weight of pulling it open.

Isn't it a shame tha isn't more universal, regardless of the size of your
community? I personally believe the little niceties like that really have a
cumulative effect on people.

--
Nann
remove the Gator cheer to email me
Change everything. Love & forgive.