OT: Chili (was HERBS)

Echo: Fidonet MEMORIES
Date: 03-31-99 15:02
From: Ray
To: Joe
Subj: Chili
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Recently I was honored to be selected as an "Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community" to be a judge at a chili cook-off because
no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick
at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judge's
table watching Jan serve at the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you
endure when you're a writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

THUMPER: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Jan gave me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
THUMPER: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of
the beer line. Jan pours two glasses of beer down my thoat and starts
to give me CPR.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

THUMPER: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to
the beer wagon. Jan pounded me on the back so hard now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. After she wiped my tears..


Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

THUMPER: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Jan was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her. Jan took my cellular phone to call our
insurance agent and make sure my life insurance policy is up to date.
(Real funny Jan ha ha ha)


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

THUMPER: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Jan saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from
a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me
to stop screaming.


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

THUMPER: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Jan. I asked if
she wants to go dancing later.


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

THUMPER: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy
they'll know what killed me. Go Jan, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our son I'm sorry I am not going to be there for him
anymore. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through
the hole in my stomach. Jan called the X-Files people and told them I
barfed up a NEW life form!


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

THUMPER: Wow I see a bright light in front of me--everything is
peaceful and I feel as though I've left my (now destroyed) human body.
I reach out for the warm, soft light that I know is my reward. My
hand grabs a HEADLIGHT attached to the PARAMEDICS van. Jan waves
goodbye as they shovel up my insides and take my tongue and I away.

Adios, chili lovers....RE
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12