GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN (Christmas satire)
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This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb
went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of
Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And
the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto
him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it
for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because
the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point
of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it
off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact
based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
"if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the
person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at
Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like
enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the
size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece
of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but
when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of
the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with
a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch
tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like
many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a
gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
OTP: GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN (Christmas satire) 
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