OTP: The U.S. ARMY

Contacting The U.S. Army

Thank you for calling the US Army. We're sorry, but all of our
units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave
a message with your country, name of organization, region,
specific crisis and a number where you can be reached.

As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China,
marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and
attending the compulsory Consideration of Others Training,
we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options,
please choose from the following options:

If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1
for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good
hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude
bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please
note that this service is not available after 1630 hours, nor
on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers
requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide
additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a
bit of gray flannel bunting, flags and a really good marching
band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy.
Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited
and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment
Force.

If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call
will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations
Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done
to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware
that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required
to tell you why, as it is classified.

If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be
shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family
in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to
work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains,
both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original
benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will
be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed-over-for-
promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post
office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
United States Army!

___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12