How do I help a friend...

Greetings!

I found out a good friend has stage 4 liver cancer that may have spread to
his lungs. He is HIV/HBV positive and it doesn't sound like they are going
to try any form of treatment. He will be dismissed from the hospital
tomorrow and put in the care of a hospice nurse.

Does this mean he is at the end of his life? If so what is the best way to
approach him on offering help and support.
I know I should wait for him to tell me what is going on with his health.
Most of the information I've gotten so far was through others who work with
him. I once worked with him as well but tranferred out of state, but plan to
visit by months end. We spoke on the phone but he had visitors and couldn't
really talk.

It would be most appreciated for any information on how to be of assistance
to someone who is facing such a devastating diagnosis.


Thanks in advance!

Dorothy

dort wrote:

> I found out a good friend has stage 4 liver cancer that may have spread to
> his lungs. He is HIV/HBV positive and it doesn't sound like they are going
> to try any form of treatment. He will be dismissed from the hospital
> tomorrow and put in the care of a hospice nurse.
>
> Does this mean he is at the end of his life? If so what is the best way to
> approach him on offering help and support.
> I know I should wait for him to tell me what is going on with his health.
> Most of the information I've gotten so far was through others who work with
> him. I once worked with him as well but tranferred out of state, but plan to
> visit by months end. We spoke on the phone but he had visitors and couldn't
> really talk.
>
> It would be most appreciated for any information on how to be of assistance
> to someone who is facing such a devastating diagnosis.

Hello Dorothy,
I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
It's hard to plan ahead, not knowing what his functional status is.
Keep in touch with him, let him know when you're going (leave him your number),
listen for cues and play it by ear (as to whether he'll be well enough to go out
and visit, or go out for dinners or other meals, or events of his choice) when
you arrive. Take his favorite treat ; if he's too unwell to enjoy them, others
might. Mainly, go, be there, care and listen.
J

<dort> wrote in message news:SqudnVrhPZ-322_YnZ2dnUVZ_q2pnZ2d@comcast.com...
> Greetings!
>
> I found out a good friend has stage 4 liver cancer that may have spread to
> his lungs. He is HIV/HBV positive and it doesn't sound like they are going
> to try any form of treatment. He will be dismissed from the hospital
> tomorrow and put in the care of a hospice nurse.
>
> Does this mean he is at the end of his life? If so what is the best way to
> approach him on offering help and support.
> I know I should wait for him to tell me what is going on with his health.
> Most of the information I've gotten so far was through others who work
> with
> him. I once worked with him as well but tranferred out of state, but plan
> to
> visit by months end. We spoke on the phone but he had visitors and
> couldn't
> really talk.
>
> It would be most appreciated for any information on how to be of
> assistance
> to someone who is facing such a devastating diagnosis.
>
>
> Thanks in advance!
>
> Dorothy
>
>
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend Dorothy. I think that the best thing
to do is play it by ear when you do visit him and like J says, take your cue
from him. One thing that I would say is to treat him "normally". When my
husband was first diagnosed with a brain tumour it brought out a lot of
strange responses from his friends, some simply couldn't cope and wouldn't
visit at all, others wouldn't stay away. I do recall Tony saying that being
wrapped up with the disease/illness etc it was very nice to have an ordinary
conversation so that he could forget about his situation for a while.

I wish you and your friend well.

Warm Hugs

Alayne

"Alayne" <totallyfake@email.com> wrote in message
news:0QvIh.57168$z54.47647@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net...
>
> <dort> wrote in message
news:SqudnVrhPZ-322_YnZ2dnUVZ_q2pnZ2d@comcast.com...
> > Greetings!
> >
> > I found out a good friend has stage 4 liver cancer that may have spread
to
> > his lungs. He is HIV/HBV positive and it doesn't sound like they are
going
> > to try any form of treatment. He will be dismissed from the hospital
> > tomorrow and put in the care of a hospice nurse.
> >
> > Does this mean he is at the end of his life? If so what is the best way
to
> > approach him on offering help and support.
> > I know I should wait for him to tell me what is going on with his
health.
> > Most of the information I've gotten so far was through others who work
> > with
> > him. I once worked with him as well but tranferred out of state, but
plan
> > to
> > visit by months end. We spoke on the phone but he had visitors and
> > couldn't
> > really talk.
> >
> > It would be most appreciated for any information on how to be of
> > assistance
> > to someone who is facing such a devastating diagnosis.
> >
> >
> > Thanks in advance!
> >
> > Dorothy
> >
> >
> I'm so sorry to hear about your friend Dorothy. I think that the best
thing
> to do is play it by ear when you do visit him and like J says, take your
cue
> from him. One thing that I would say is to treat him "normally". When my
> husband was first diagnosed with a brain tumour it brought out a lot of
> strange responses from his friends, some simply couldn't cope and wouldn't
> visit at all, others wouldn't stay away. I do recall Tony saying that
being
> wrapped up with the disease/illness etc it was very nice to have an
ordinary
> conversation so that he could forget about his situation for a while.
>
> I wish you and your friend well.
>
> Warm Hugs
>
> Alayne
>
>
Thank you Alayne and J,

It's been so hard waiting to talk to him. Knowing how it can be in the
hospital and how this news must be affecting him, I don't want to be a
burden or a pest to him at this point.

I was thinking of sending him some goodies since it will be a while before I
can visit. He loves sweets, so chocolates are on the list. What are some
lotions that will sooth him as this progresses. Also do you know of any type
of mint that is refreshing and cool when he is dehydrated and can't take
fluids? I know everyone is different but there must be some must have things
to comfort someone as they go through this. Silk or just plain old soft
cotton pajamas?

I want to call his home to see if he is there, but worry that it may be
crazy at this point. He moved his parents in with him to care for them and
now this. He has sisters who he has't been speaking to, I wonder if they put
the differences behind them and are there to help. He also has an on and off
relationship with this guy who isn't very nice. I guess what is worrying me
most is that he is more or less alone in this even though he is surrounded
by people.

I'm sorry I am rambling here. Thank you guys again for helping me put things
in perspective and to be as normal as possible when I do speak with my
buddy. I want to educate myself so when we do talk he can just talk without
feeling like he has to explain everything. If that makes any sense.

Again, thank you for your responses!

Dorothy

Dorothy,
I am sorry to hear about your friend. I lurk here every so often,
like Alayne, my husband was dx with cancer a few years ago, and at the
end stages, all he wanted to be was "normal." Every effort was made
for him to have a normal end to his life. Take time, just treat him
as he was treatd before he knew. And take time to let him truly know
you care. It seems like you do, or you wouldn't have taken the time
to seek out this board for the answer. Take care
Salisha

"Salisha" <salishah@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1173732991.907299.283010@30g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...
> Dorothy,
> I am sorry to hear about your friend. I lurk here every so often,
> like Alayne, my husband was dx with cancer a few years ago, and at the
> end stages, all he wanted to be was "normal." Every effort was made
> for him to have a normal end to his life. Take time, just treat him
> as he was treatd before he knew. And take time to let him truly know
> you care. It seems like you do, or you wouldn't have taken the time
> to seek out this board for the answer. Take care
> Salisha
>
>
>
Hello Salisha honey, long time no hear, how are you doing and how is life
treating you these days? Good to see your name pop up ;-)

Warm Hugs

Alayne

On Mar 13, 4:01 am, "Alayne" <totallyf...@email.com> wrote:
> "Salisha" <salis...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
>
> news:1173732991.907299.283010@30g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...> Dorothy,
> > I am sorry to hear about your friend. I lurk here every so often,
> > like Alayne, my husband was dx with cancer a few years ago, and at the
> > end stages, all he wanted to be was "normal." Every effort was made
> > for him to have a normal end to his life. Take time, just treat him
> > as he was treatd before he knew. And take time to let him truly know
> > you care. It seems like you do, or you wouldn't have taken the time
> > to seek out this board for the answer. Take care
> > Salisha
>
> Hello Salisha honey, long time no hear, how are you doing and how is life
> treating you these days? Good to see your name pop up ;-)
>
> Warm Hugs
>
> Alayne

Alayne
I am doing remarkably well actually. I am moving to a new part
of the province, yet a again, starting a new career and I think a new
life. It's nice. I have been chatting on a widows site that has been
very helpful and working on getting through the tough times. How are
you? I miss chatting with you and Emily. Anyway, if you want to
chat, my email may pop up on this screen (surprise lol), send me one,
and hope to hear from you soon, but with "h" at the end at that really
hot place in cyberspace.....

Talk to you soon
Salisha

"Salisha" <salishah@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1173732991.907299.283010@30g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...
> Dorothy,
> I am sorry to hear about your friend. I lurk here every so often,
> like Alayne, my husband was dx with cancer a few years ago, and at the
> end stages, all he wanted to be was "normal." Every effort was made
> for him to have a normal end to his life. Take time, just treat him
> as he was treatd before he knew. And take time to let him truly know
> you care. It seems like you do, or you wouldn't have taken the time
> to seek out this board for the answer. Take care
> Salisha
>
>
I want to extend a very warm thank you to all of you troopers who are living
with or with a loved one with cancer.

My buddy David passed away peacefully last night. Such a tremendous loss.

Anyway, the services will be held this Friday and I am too far away to make
the trip. I would love to know what would be most helpful to his family at
this time. I've never met them and at a total loss as to what they might
need to help them through this difficult time.

I spoke with his sister today and let her know what a wonderful friend her
brother was to me. Also just what a wonder person he was to everyone. We had
a good cry over the phone, and I never spoke with this woman before, it was
so new an experience to share such emotion with a total stranger. She
thanked me because it really meant a lot to hear such great things about her
brother.

It's a blessing and a gift that this hit so fast and ended so quickly. He
didn't suffer or go through months of how to carry on knowing his fate. I
pray for all of you to have the strength and faith that is needed to live
with cancer or someone suffering from it's devastation.

Dorothy

dort wrote:

> My buddy David passed away peacefully last night. Such a tremendous loss.
>
> Anyway, the services will be held this Friday and I am too far away to make
> the trip. I would love to know what would be most helpful to his family at
> this time. I've never met them and at a total loss as to what they might
> need to help them through this difficult time.

We wanted privacy, time for family business and sleep.
Sent them a card, Dorothy. (one or more; some family members may wish to have
one each, with a different message)
Thanks for letting us know.
J

On Mar 15, 12:30 am, <dort> wrote:
> "Salisha" <salis...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
>
> news:1173732991.907299.283010@30g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...> Dorothy,
> > I am sorry to hear about your friend. I lurk here every so often,
> > like Alayne, my husband was dx with cancer a few years ago, and at the
> > end stages, all he wanted to be was "normal." Every effort was made
> > for him to have a normal end to his life. Take time, just treat him
> > as he was treatd before he knew. And take time to let him truly know
> > you care. It seems like you do, or you wouldn't have taken the time
> > to seek out this board for the answer. Take care
> > Salisha
>
> I want to extend a very warm thank you to all of you troopers who are living
> with or with a loved one with cancer.
>
> My buddy David passed away peacefully last night. Such a tremendous loss.
>
> Anyway, the services will be held this Friday and I am too far away to make
> the trip. I would love to know what would be most helpful to his family at
> this time. I've never met them and at a total loss as to what they might
> need to help them through this difficult time.
>
> I spoke with his sister today and let her know what a wonderful friend her
> brother was to me. Also just what a wonder person he was to everyone. We had
> a good cry over the phone, and I never spoke with this woman before, it was
> so new an experience to share such emotion with a total stranger. She
> thanked me because it really meant a lot to hear such great things about her
> brother.
>
> It's a blessing and a gift that this hit so fast and ended so quickly. He
> didn't suffer or go through months of how to carry on knowing his fate. I
> pray for all of you to have the strength and faith that is needed to live
> with cancer or someone suffering from it's devastation.
>
> Dorothy

So sorry to hear about your friend, Dorothy. My suggestion, aside
from the heartfelt phone call to his sister, which I am sure is the
best thing, is maybe to send a message via the Funeral home. I know
that many of them now have websites to post condolences to the
families. A letter there will reach all the immediate family and will
be a lasting memory to them that their brother was loved and cared for
by more than they knew.
Salisha

<dort> wrote in message news:T7mdnbx6uMmHIGXYnZ2dnUVZ_qKqnZ2d@comcast.com. ..
>
> "Salisha" <salishah@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1173732991.907299.283010@30g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...
>> Dorothy,
>> I am sorry to hear about your friend. I lurk here every so often,
>> like Alayne, my husband was dx with cancer a few years ago, and at the
>> end stages, all he wanted to be was "normal." Every effort was made
>> for him to have a normal end to his life. Take time, just treat him
>> as he was treatd before he knew. And take time to let him truly know
>> you care. It seems like you do, or you wouldn't have taken the time
>> to seek out this board for the answer. Take care
>> Salisha
>>
>>
> I want to extend a very warm thank you to all of you troopers who are
> living
> with or with a loved one with cancer.
>
> My buddy David passed away peacefully last night. Such a tremendous loss.
>
> Anyway, the services will be held this Friday and I am too far away to
> make
> the trip. I would love to know what would be most helpful to his family at
> this time. I've never met them and at a total loss as to what they might
> need to help them through this difficult time.
>
> I spoke with his sister today and let her know what a wonderful friend her
> brother was to me. Also just what a wonder person he was to everyone. We
> had
> a good cry over the phone, and I never spoke with this woman before, it
> was
> so new an experience to share such emotion with a total stranger. She
> thanked me because it really meant a lot to hear such great things about
> her
> brother.
>
> It's a blessing and a gift that this hit so fast and ended so quickly. He
> didn't suffer or go through months of how to carry on knowing his fate. I
> pray for all of you to have the strength and faith that is needed to live
> with cancer or someone suffering from it's devastation.
>
> Dorothy
>
>
I am so sorry for your loss Dorothy, take peace from knowing that his final
chapter was quite short and without suffering.

Warm Hugs

Alayne

"Salisha" <salishah@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1173872943.976806.218290@n59g2000hsh.googlegr oups.com...
> On Mar 13, 4:01 am, "Alayne" <totallyf...@email.com> wrote:
>> "Salisha" <salis...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
>>
>> news:1173732991.907299.283010@30g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...> Dorothy,
>> > I am sorry to hear about your friend. I lurk here every so often,
>> > like Alayne, my husband was dx with cancer a few years ago, and at the
>> > end stages, all he wanted to be was "normal." Every effort was made
>> > for him to have a normal end to his life. Take time, just treat him
>> > as he was treatd before he knew. And take time to let him truly know
>> > you care. It seems like you do, or you wouldn't have taken the time
>> > to seek out this board for the answer. Take care
>> > Salisha
>>
>> Hello Salisha honey, long time no hear, how are you doing and how is life
>> treating you these days? Good to see your name pop up ;-)
>>
>> Warm Hugs
>>
>> Alayne
>
> Alayne
> I am doing remarkably well actually. I am moving to a new part
> of the province, yet a again, starting a new career and I think a new
> life. It's nice. I have been chatting on a widows site that has been
> very helpful and working on getting through the tough times. How are
> you? I miss chatting with you and Emily. Anyway, if you want to
> chat, my email may pop up on this screen (surprise lol), send me one,
> and hope to hear from you soon, but with "h" at the end at that really
> hot place in cyberspace.....
>
> Talk to you soon
> Salisha
>

Okay dokey, will do ;-)

alayne