I lied

Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so tired,
and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and you
mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds, etc.
Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to work,
fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am such a
liar.

I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's work,
it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is sick, my
older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on the
road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...

I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told my
daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I would
have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she wants to
go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...

Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me if
I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day, and I
said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from the
cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.

I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
someone sits with her husband...

She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...

I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he can't
drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!

I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could just
be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...

I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way, it's
because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the shower...hell, he
can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.

But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get back
to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not physically
stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's everything.

If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever you
guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and here I
am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.

Have a good day!
the bitch from hell
G

"Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
news:U9TJh.3$aY1.55@eagle.america.net...
> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
> tired, and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else,
> and you mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's
> meds, etc. Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our
> son to work, fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I
> thought: I am such a liar.
>
> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
> work, it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is
> sick, my older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is
> on the road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>
> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told
> my daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I
> would have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she
> wants to go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>
> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me
> if I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day,
> and I said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from
> the cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>
> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
> someone sits with her husband...
>
> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>
> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
> son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
> can't drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>
> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
> back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could
> just be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>
> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way, it's
> because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the shower...hell,
> he can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>
> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
> everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get
> back to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not
> physically stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's
> everything.
>
> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever you
> guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and here
> I am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>
> Have a good day!
> the bitch from hell
> G


See how crazy I have become...I am answering my own post.
..
I am really getting way out there and even have a MySpace...that's a
distraction...if you'd like to be a MySpace friend, here is my url...I hope
it's okay to put this on here...it doesn't involve money or hoaxes or
anything like that...just a place where friends leave comments and messages.

http://www.myspace.com/giuditta97

Off to the doc's...

Ciao!
G

"Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
newssTJh.4$aY1.88@eagle.america.net...
>
> "Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
> news:U9TJh.3$aY1.55@eagle.america.net...
>> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
>> tired, and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else,
>> and you mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's
>> meds, etc. Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our
>> son to work, fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I
>> thought: I am such a liar.
>>
>> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
>> work, it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is
>> sick, my older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son
>> is on the road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>>
>> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told
>> my daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I
>> would have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she
>> wants to go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>>
>> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me
>> if I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day,
>> and I said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one
>> from the cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to
>> drive.
>>
>> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
>> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
>> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
>> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
>> someone sits with her husband...
>>
>> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>>
>> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
>> son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
>> can't drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
>> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
>> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>>
>> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
>> back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could
>> just be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>>
>> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
>> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way,
>> it's because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the
>> shower...hell, he can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>>
>> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
>> everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get
>> back to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not
>> physically stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's
>> everything.
>>
>> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
>> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever
>> you guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and
>> here I am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>>
>> Have a good day!
>> the bitch from hell
>> G
>
>
> See how crazy I have become...I am answering my own post.
> .
> I am really getting way out there and even have a MySpace...that's a
> distraction...if you'd like to be a MySpace friend, here is my url...I
> hope it's okay to put this on here...it doesn't involve money or hoaxes or
> anything like that...just a place where friends leave comments and
> messages.
>
> http://www.myspace.com/giuditta97
>
> Off to the doc's...
>
> Ciao!
> G

Hey, your not bad, you just have the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Even without Don being sick I'm sure that there's enough to do. More to the
point, I'm sure Don takes half of that weight on his shoulders when he's
well. It's not easy but I'm sure you won't buckle under the weight, maybe
the odd stagger occasionally.

Ian

Giuditta wrote:

> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so tired,
> and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and you
> mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds, etc.
> Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to work,
> fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am such a
> liar.
>
> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's work,
> it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is sick, my
> older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on the
> road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>
> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told my
> daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I would
> have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she wants to
> go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>
> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me if
> I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day, and I
> said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from the
> cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>
> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
> someone sits with her husband...
>
> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>
> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
> they offered to help do things..<snip>

You're working outside the home = fulltime job & responsibility
You're looking after household = full time job & responsibility
You're looking after husband with cancer = full time job & responsibility
You're looking out for sick daughter and teenage son = extra time &
responsibility
There's only so much one person can do.

As best I can tell, the only one who is helping you is the sick daughter.
Other adult (kids) living there? If they're working, sleeping and then using
the rest of the time to themselves, they're very selfish.
Put them to work and have one of them work out with your son to get his driver's
license.
Delegate, delegate, delegate.
There's only so much one person can do.
J

Giuditta wrote:
> "Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
> news:U9TJh.3$aY1.55@eagle.america.net...
>> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
>> tired, and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else,
>> and you mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's
>> meds, etc. Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our
>> son to work, fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I
>> thought: I am such a liar.
>>
>> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
>> work, it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is
>> sick, my older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is
>> on the road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>>
>> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told
>> my daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I
>> would have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she
>> wants to go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>>
>> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me
>> if I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day,
>> and I said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from
>> the cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>>
>> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
>> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
>> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
>> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
>> someone sits with her husband...
>>
>> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>>
>> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
>> son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
>> can't drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
>> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
>> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>>
>> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
>> back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could
>> just be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>>
>> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
>> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way, it's
>> because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the shower...hell,
>> he can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>>
>> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
>> everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get
>> back to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not
>> physically stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's
>> everything.
>>
>> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
>> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever you
>> guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and here
>> I am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>>
>> Have a good day!
>> the bitch from hell
>> G
>
>
> See how crazy I have become...I am answering my own post.
> .
> I am really getting way out there and even have a MySpace...that's a
> distraction...if you'd like to be a MySpace friend, here is my url...I hope
> it's okay to put this on here...it doesn't involve money or hoaxes or
> anything like that...just a place where friends leave comments and messages.
>
> http://www.myspace.com/giuditta97
>
> Off to the doc's...
>
> Ciao!
> G
>
>
>
>
>
Hi G.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad, you are only one person. I don't know
if it will help or not, but try screaming into a pillow, it's suppose to
be a good stress reliever. I know it's tough caring for everyone and
watching the one you love get worse, but hang in there. Just know you
are not a bad person, you are a scared and frustrated person, but
definitely not bad.

((hugs)) and best wishes.

Caz.
Scott's mom

On Wed, 14 Mar 2007 07:56:16 -0500, "Giuditta"
<jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote:

>Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so tired,
>and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and you
>mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds, etc.
>Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to work,
>fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am such a
>liar.
>
>I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's work,
>it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is sick, my
>older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on the
>road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>
>I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told my
>daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I would
>have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she wants to
>go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>
>Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me if
>I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day, and I
>said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from the
>cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>
>I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
>and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
>does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
>bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
>someone sits with her husband...
>
>She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>
>I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
>son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he can't
>drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
>night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
>that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>
>I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
>back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could just
>be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>
>I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
>want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way, it's
>because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the shower...hell, he
>can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>
>But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
>everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get back
>to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not physically
>stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's everything.
>
>If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
>tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever you
>guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and here I
>am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>
>Have a good day!
>the bitch from hell
>G
>

I wish I could give you a hug. Don't feel bad about feeling bad (and
don't feel bad about letting it out here). Having guilt because you
have feelings just makes it all worse. You're going to feel what you
feel - and it's your right to!!! Your friend in Montana probably has
her moments, too, but won't let it show.

Carla

On Mar 14, 8:56 am, "Giuditta" <jnotma...@giudiittaspeedworks.com>
wrote:
> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so tired,
> and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and you
> mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds, etc.
> Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to work,
> fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am such a
> liar.
>
> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's work,
> it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is sick, my
> older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on the
> road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>
> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told my
> daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I would
> have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she wants to
> go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>
> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me if
> I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day, and I
> said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from the
> cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>
> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
> someone sits with her husband...
>
> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>
> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
> son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he can't
> drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>
> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
> back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could just
> be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>
> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way, it's
> because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the shower...hell, he
> can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>
> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
> everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get back
> to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not physically
> stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's everything.
>
> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever you
> guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and here I
> am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>
> Have a good day!
> the bitch from hell
> G

Hey there....echo, echo, echo. You are not alone. I have felt many of
these things as well. I don't have teens to contend with and I don't
know how you are not hanging them from nails in the garage (A thing I
used to threaten our sone with ewhen he was mouthy or not helpful as a
teen). Check with your case manager at the Dr's office and see if they
can get you hooked up with a caregiver class in your area. They will
also work with you to get additional help at home. I don't know about
your insurance situation, but my husbands insurance company called me,
and told me whatever we needed to let them know they would check for
coverage or let us know where we could get what we need at reduced
rates or free.
Please know you can Bitch and Moan here all you need to.

Becky

"Bozz" <NotGiven@BTInternet.com> wrote in message
news:m8idnSUzxMipg2XYnZ2dnUVZ8surnZ2d@bt.com...
> "Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
> newssTJh.4$aY1.88@eagle.america.net...
>>
>> "Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
>> news:U9TJh.3$aY1.55@eagle.america.net...
>>> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
>>> tired, and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else,
>>> and you mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's
>>> meds, etc. Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our
>>> son to work, fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I
>>> thought: I am such a liar.
>>>
>>> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
>>> work, it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter
>>> is sick, my older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other
>>> son is on the road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>>>
>>> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>>> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and
>>> told my daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I
>>> think I would have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes
>>> when she wants to go...in other words, if it's something she wants to
>>> do...
>>>
>>> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked
>>> me if I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other
>>> day, and I said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the
>>> one from the cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired
>>> to drive.
>>>
>>> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last
>>> June and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does
>>> what she does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding
>>> him, bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables
>>> while someone sits with her husband...
>>>
>>> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>>> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>>>
>>> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>>> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>>> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that
>>> my son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
>>> can't drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
>>> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
>>> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>>>
>>> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my
>>> husband back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I
>>> could just be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>>>
>>> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
>>> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way,
>>> it's because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the
>>> shower...hell, he can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>>>
>>> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing
>>> about everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I
>>> get back to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not
>>> physically stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's
>>> everything.
>>>
>>> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
>>> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever
>>> you guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and
>>> here I am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>>>
>>> Have a good day!
>>> the bitch from hell
>>> G
>>
>>
>> See how crazy I have become...I am answering my own post.
>> .
>> I am really getting way out there and even have a MySpace...that's a
>> distraction...if you'd like to be a MySpace friend, here is my url...I
>> hope it's okay to put this on here...it doesn't involve money or hoaxes
>> or anything like that...just a place where friends leave comments and
>> messages.
>>
>> http://www.myspace.com/giuditta97
>>
>> Off to the doc's...
>>
>> Ciao!
>> G
>
> Hey, your not bad, you just have the weight of the world on your
> shoulders. Even without Don being sick I'm sure that there's enough to do.
> More to the point, I'm sure Don takes half of that weight on his shoulders
> when he's well. It's not easy but I'm sure you won't buckle under the
> weight, maybe the odd stagger occasionally.
>
> Ian

"maybe the odd stagger occasionally." I like that line. And yes, Don would
be the one taking Cheyenne to work, etc. if he wasn't so weak...when he
would be in town...even that much was a big help...like to know he was here
to take a load off.

It seems like at my lowest point a bright light breaks through, and I prayed
for one and got it today. First, I watched the movie last night, Facing the
Giants, which is inspirational, bad acting, but the message is positive...

Then today, my ex-husband, who owns several Serv-Pro companies (they clean
mostly water damages and burn-outs), well, he sent a cleaning crew over to
deep clean our place, and tomorrow he's sending a guy out to shampoo the
carpets...things I have put off doing for the past few months because I was
too tired. I have kept the surfaces clean but not like baseboards through
the place and just things I might notice aren't done...

I felt like Heaven had descended all around us. They have some type of
vacuum slash shampoo machine that cleans carpets and furniture that won't
cause dust to fly everywhere, so Don wasn't breathing all that. I asked the
crew what I needed to do to help them, like our teenager's room, and they
said for me to go out on the balony, prop my feet up and read a book that
they had this, so my husband and I sat out in the beautiful weather and
enjoyed some good quality time.

At his blood check today, his HCT was even lower than Monday, and the doctor
suggested we go to the hospital for transfusions, but Don told him he didn't
feel bad enough to do that, so the doctor said, "Great. Then go home and
come back Friday." He got the procrit shot and if his blood is still low
Friday he will have to be admitted to the hospital.

So, that's my update on this crazy house. Thanks for your understanding and
your good line I enjoyed...now, explain it.

Giuditta

"Caz" <me@no-way.com> wrote in message
newsJYJh.3583$_v3.2167@newsfe1-gui.ntli.net...
> Giuditta wrote:
>> "Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
>> news:U9TJh.3$aY1.55@eagle.america.net...
>>> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
>>> tired, and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else,
>>> and you mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's
>>> meds, etc. Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our
>>> son to work, fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I
>>> thought: I am such a liar.
>>>
>>> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
>>> work, it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter
>>> is sick, my older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other
>>> son is on the road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>>>
>>> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>>> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and
>>> told my daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I
>>> think I would have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes
>>> when she wants to go...in other words, if it's something she wants to
>>> do...
>>>
>>> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked
>>> me if I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other
>>> day, and I said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the
>>> one from the cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired
>>> to drive.
>>>
>>> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last
>>> June and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does
>>> what she does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding
>>> him, bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables
>>> while someone sits with her husband...
>>>
>>> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>>> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>>>
>>> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>>> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>>> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that
>>> my son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
>>> can't drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
>>> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
>>> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>>>
>>> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my
>>> husband back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I
>>> could just be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>>>
>>> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
>>> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way,
>>> it's because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the
>>> shower...hell, he can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>>>
>>> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing
>>> about everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I
>>> get back to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not
>>> physically stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's
>>> everything.
>>>
>>> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
>>> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever
>>> you guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and
>>> here I am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>>>
>>> Have a good day!
>>> the bitch from hell
>>> G
>>
>>
>> See how crazy I have become...I am answering my own post.
>> .
>> I am really getting way out there and even have a MySpace...that's a
>> distraction...if you'd like to be a MySpace friend, here is my url...I
>> hope it's okay to put this on here...it doesn't involve money or hoaxes
>> or anything like that...just a place where friends leave comments and
>> messages.
>>
>> http://www.myspace.com/giuditta97
>>
>> Off to the doc's...
>>
>> Ciao!
>> G
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
> Hi G.
>
> Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad, you are only one person. I don't know
> if it will help or not, but try screaming into a pillow, it's suppose to
> be a good stress reliever. I know it's tough caring for everyone and
> watching the one you love get worse, but hang in there. Just know you are
> not a bad person, you are a scared and frustrated person, but definitely
> not bad.
>
> ((hugs)) and best wishes.
>
> Caz.
> Scott's mom

Thank you for the uplift. I understand the stress I am under and at least
know my condition is situational, a reason for feeling ten million emotions
at once, but then I think about what my husband is going through and do feel
very guilty for my small problems compared to his life-threatening ones.

It seems that I am being influenced more by fear than anything else and
trying to be every person right now. I kow what I need to do, pray and stop
wallowing.

People get sick of hearing someone moan and groan, and I have moaned and
groaned enough on here, and you all have problems, too. I read the posts and
it does seem that I am the main one complaining...I'm going to try to stop
doing that. Today was better, much better.

God Bless,
Giuditta

"J" <nexsw@nvalid,anon> wrote in message
news:45F82CFF.261ACED7@execulink.com...
> Giuditta wrote:
>
>> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
>> tired,
>> and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and you
>> mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds, etc.
>> Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to
>> work,
>> fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am such
>> a
>> liar.
>>
>> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
>> work,
>> it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is sick,
>> my
>> older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on the
>> road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>>
>> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told
>> my
>> daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I
>> would
>> have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she wants
>> to
>> go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>>
>> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me
>> if
>> I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day, and
>> I
>> said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from the
>> cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>>
>> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
>> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
>> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
>> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
>> someone sits with her husband...
>>
>> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>>
>> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>> they offered to help do things..<snip>
>
> You're working outside the home = fulltime job & responsibility
> You're looking after household = full time job & responsibility
> You're looking after husband with cancer = full time job & responsibility
> You're looking out for sick daughter and teenage son = extra time &
> responsibility
> There's only so much one person can do.
>
> As best I can tell, the only one who is helping you is the sick daughter.
> Other adult (kids) living there? If they're working, sleeping and then
> using
> the rest of the time to themselves, they're very selfish.
> Put them to work and have one of them work out with your son to get his
> driver's
> license.
> Delegate, delegate, delegate.
> There's only so much one person can do.
> J
>
You're right. I'm not one to ask for help, and in the beginning of this
nightmare people did ask me what they could do, and I honestly didn't know
what to tell them. I had no idea that this would be so draining. Neither did
my husband...he thought he would be back playing again after his first chemo
was done. This is our first experience with cancer. His parents had it, but
they lived in Portland across the U.S. from us, so now I realize what his
sister was going through.

My ex sent a cleaning crew out today to deep clean our place, and tomorrow
they do the carpets...that was a huge help to me. My oldest daughter took
off work for this next few days and is going to get Cheyenne to take his
license test and got him from work today, so things are looking up.

I think yesterday was just a day when I was at that point of feeling alone
in this. I have always been strong and kept going no matter how sick I was
or if I had just had a c-section for a baby being born or whatever because I
had to be strong...Don has been on the road, so it was the kids and me, but
this situation has all the emotional baggage attached, which makes it much
harder.

If that cloud of cancer would just disappear, I think I could handle all the
other more gracefully because I am too independent not to handle it. Make
any sense?

I will have to delegate more...we only have the two kids still living at
home, and the teenager is working and playing music at night, which is just
something they do, and it's best that he be working and doing something
constructive at night, too.

Mimi lives at home and has been in college until Don got sick, so she's
taking off to help me, but she is the one with HS. All the others have their
own homes and work a lot. Two work for their dad, so they helped make sure
the cleaning crew was out here ... the oldest daughter works all day but
still helps me like she'll be doing this week...

It's probably my own fault that I haven't delegated like you said. I need to
change.

Thanks!
Giuditta

"redsurf" <redsurf@ix.netcom.nospamcom> wrote in message
news:3jsgv2h8gjela61v883g3vrfo2burtt332@4ax.com...
> On Wed, 14 Mar 2007 07:56:16 -0500, "Giuditta"
> <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote:
>
>>Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
>>tired,
>>and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and you
>>mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds, etc.
>>Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to work,
>>fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am such
>>a
>>liar.
>>
>>I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
>>work,
>>it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is sick,
>>my
>>older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on the
>>road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>>
>>I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>>feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told
>>my
>>daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I would
>>have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she wants
>>to
>>go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>>
>>Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me
>>if
>>I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day, and I
>>said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from the
>>cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>>
>>I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
>>and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
>>does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
>>bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
>>someone sits with her husband...
>>
>>She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>>upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>>
>>I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>>mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>>they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
>>son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
>>can't
>>drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
>>night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
>>that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>>
>>I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
>>back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could
>>just
>>be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>>
>>I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
>>want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way, it's
>>because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the shower...hell,
>>he
>>can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>>
>>But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
>>everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get
>>back
>>to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not physically
>>stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's everything.
>>
>>If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
>>tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever you
>>guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and here
>>I
>>am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>>
>>Have a good day!
>>the bitch from hell
>>G
>>
>
> I wish I could give you a hug. Don't feel bad about feeling bad (and
> don't feel bad about letting it out here). Having guilt because you
> have feelings just makes it all worse. You're going to feel what you
> feel - and it's your right to!!! Your friend in Montana probably has
> her moments, too, but won't let it show.
>
> Carla

That's so like me...feeling bad about feeling bad. But I was worse than
feeling bad yesterday, I felt really resentful. It's crazy. I resented
everyone I knew. I even resented Don for getting cncer. See, I'm weirded out
here. I don't have a rght to feel that do I? Resentful toward him? Oh God, I
felt so ashamed of what I was feeling. I never thought I was capable of
being so mean-hearted. I talked to God about it, said I was sorry so now
with a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers, maybe I will become kind again. Ya
think?

Giuditta

"Beckys883" <beckys_883@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1173922678.593522.267210@p15g2000hsd.googlegr oups.com...
> On Mar 14, 8:56 am, "Giuditta" <jnotma...@giudiittaspeedworks.com>
> wrote:
>> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
>> tired,
>> and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and you
>> mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds, etc.
>> Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to
>> work,
>> fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am such
>> a
>> liar.
>>
>> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
>> work,
>> it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is sick,
>> my
>> older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on the
>> road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>>
>> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
>> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and told
>> my
>> daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I
>> would
>> have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she wants
>> to
>> go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
>>
>> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked me
>> if
>> I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day, and
>> I
>> said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from the
>> cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
>>
>> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last June
>> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what she
>> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
>> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
>> someone sits with her husband...
>>
>> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
>> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>>
>> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
>> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at first
>> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that my
>> son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
>> can't
>> drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
>> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad about
>> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>>
>> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my husband
>> back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could
>> just
>> be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
>>
>> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and never
>> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way,
>> it's
>> because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the shower...hell,
>> he
>> can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>>
>> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing about
>> everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get
>> back
>> to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not
>> physically
>> stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's everything.
>>
>> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am the
>> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever
>> you
>> guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and here
>> I
>> am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
>>
>> Have a good day!
>> the bitch from hell
>> G
>
> Hey there....echo, echo, echo. You are not alone. I have felt many of
> these things as well. I don't have teens to contend with and I don't
> know how you are not hanging them from nails in the garage (A thing I
> used to threaten our sone with ewhen he was mouthy or not helpful as a
> teen). Check with your case manager at the Dr's office and see if they
> can get you hooked up with a caregiver class in your area. They will
> also work with you to get additional help at home. I don't know about
> your insurance situation, but my husbands insurance company called me,
> and told me whatever we needed to let them know they would check for
> coverage or let us know where we could get what we need at reduced
> rates or free.
>




"Please know you can Bitch and Moan here all you need to."
Becky

Well, I'm certainly doing enough of that aren't I?

Hanging teenagers up on nails ... hmm ... sounds good to me. Actually, I'm
joking as I'm sure you are, too. Our teenager is a sweetie pie, kind, just
normal, throwing clothes on the floor kind of kid and a room full of guitars
I have to step over...he could be a lot worse. I've seen a lot worse at my
school. But yesterday, my day in hell, I didn't like him either.

Maybe it was a mad-at-the-world kind of thing. I'm better. Don's blood is
even lower today, so my mind is more off myself and more on him...I am
praying that we won't be going to the hospital Friday for transfusions like
his dr. wanted him to do today. Last time it was hard for the nurses to find
a vein although the ones at the cancer clinic do very well with that.

Honestly, as low as his blood stats are I don't see how he's getting around.
It's like his mind isn't accepting what his body is doing...I guess that's a
good thing. Inner strenght works wonders, doesn't it?

I will ask about the caregiver class. I sure need it. Thanks.

Giuditta

"Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in message
news:Kw3Kh.15$aY1.166@eagle.america.net...
>
> "Beckys883" <beckys_883@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:1173922678.593522.267210@p15g2000hsd.googlegr oups.com...
> > On Mar 14, 8:56 am, "Giuditta" <jnotma...@giudiittaspeedworks.com>
> > wrote:
> >> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
> >> tired,
> >> and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone else, and
you
> >> mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get Don's meds,
etc.
> >> Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after taking our son to
> >> work,
> >> fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc etc, and I thought: I am
such
> >> a
> >> liar.
> >>
> >> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
> >> work,
> >> it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter is
sick,
> >> my
> >> older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other son is on
the
> >> road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
> >>
> >> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really is
> >> feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired and
told
> >> my
> >> daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it, I think I
> >> would
> >> have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she goes when she
wants
> >> to
> >> go...in other words, if it's something she wants to do...
> >>
> >> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked
me
> >> if
> >> I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other day,
and
> >> I
> >> said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the one from
the
> >> cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too tired to drive.
> >>
> >> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last
June
> >> and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does what
she
> >> does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding him,
> >> bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables while
> >> someone sits with her husband...
> >>
> >> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
> >> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
> >>
> >> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
> >> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at
first
> >> they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of them that
my
> >> son needs his driver's license, and that would help tremendously...he
> >> can't
> >> drive himself there, and now he works days so he can play music at
> >> night...can I curse here again...I know I have before and felt bad
about
> >> that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
> >>
> >> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my
husband
> >> back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if I could
> >> just
> >> be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I can't...
> >>
> >> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and
never
> >> want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that way,
> >> it's
> >> because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the
shower...hell,
> >> he
> >> can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
> >>
> >> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing
about
> >> everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and I get
> >> back
> >> to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but not
> >> physically
> >> stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions, it's everything.
> >>
> >> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am
the
> >> tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or whatever
> >> you
> >> guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own problems, and
here
> >> I
> >> am acting like the world revolves around my world revolving.
> >>
> >> Have a good day!
> >> the bitch from hell
> >> G
> >
> > Hey there....echo, echo, echo. You are not alone. I have felt many of
> > these things as well. I don't have teens to contend with and I don't
> > know how you are not hanging them from nails in the garage (A thing I
> > used to threaten our sone with ewhen he was mouthy or not helpful as a
> > teen). Check with your case manager at the Dr's office and see if they
> > can get you hooked up with a caregiver class in your area. They will
> > also work with you to get additional help at home. I don't know about
> > your insurance situation, but my husbands insurance company called me,
> > and told me whatever we needed to let them know they would check for
> > coverage or let us know where we could get what we need at reduced
> > rates or free.
> >
>
>
>
>
> "Please know you can Bitch and Moan here all you need to."
> Becky
>
> Well, I'm certainly doing enough of that aren't I?
>
> Hanging teenagers up on nails ... hmm ... sounds good to me. Actually, I'm
> joking as I'm sure you are, too. Our teenager is a sweetie pie, kind, just
> normal, throwing clothes on the floor kind of kid and a room full of
guitars
> I have to step over...he could be a lot worse. I've seen a lot worse at my
> school. But yesterday, my day in hell, I didn't like him either.
>
> Maybe it was a mad-at-the-world kind of thing. I'm better. Don's blood is
> even lower today, so my mind is more off myself and more on him...I am
> praying that we won't be going to the hospital Friday for transfusions
like
> his dr. wanted him to do today. Last time it was hard for the nurses to
find
> a vein although the ones at the cancer clinic do very well with that.
>
> Honestly, as low as his blood stats are I don't see how he's getting
around.
> It's like his mind isn't accepting what his body is doing...I guess that's
a
> good thing. Inner strenght works wonders, doesn't it?
>
> I will ask about the caregiver class. I sure need it. Thanks.
>
> Giuditta
>
>
>
Oh dear girl, as I read through this thread my heart just went out to you.
Every emotion you are going through is perfectly normal. And needing a safe
place to rant is a good thing. That is what this group is all about so don't
add more guilt on yourself for venting. This is a healthy outlet to get all
that crap out. And getting the responses is so nice isn't it? You are not
alone, you are not a bitch, you are a wonderfully caring person who has a
hell of a lot on her shoulders. Look into finding all the help you can
muster, delegate and keep this quote in mind, it's from Laurel Burch...(my
favorite artist)

"Life is filled with wonderful possibilities disguised as impossible
situations"

If you like that quote you might also enjoy her art as well, so do a search
for her on the web even if it's just a temporary distraction.

I'll keep you in my prayers....

Dorothy

>"Giuditta" wrote :
>
>> "J" wrote Giuditta wrote:
>>
<snipped the justified frustration to get to the point>
>>
>> You're working outside the home = fulltime job & responsibility
>> You're looking after household = full time job & responsibility
>> You're looking after husband with cancer = full time job & responsibility
>> You're looking out for sick daughter and teenage son = extra time &
>> responsibility
>> There's only so much one person can do.
>>
>> As best I can tell, the only one who is helping you is the sick daughter.
>> Other adult (kids) living there? If they're working, sleeping and then using
>> the rest of the time to themselves, they're very selfish.
>> Put them to work and have one of them work out with your son to get his
>> driver's
>> license.
>> Delegate, delegate, delegate.
>> There's only so much one person can do.
>> J
>>
> You're right. <snipped again to get to the point>
Giuditta
J's right. And for good measure, I'm right up the road in Memphis. I'd
be glad to come down and "splain" it to them! Better yet, wanna go
to a movie sometime? Or out to hear some music?
Chin up! You're awesome doing all you do. Also what others are
starting to do for you. Having a deep clean of the house will do so
much good for all of you.
Prayers and Hugs for both of you.
Marsha In Memphis

"Giuditta" <jnotmarrs@giudiittaspeedworks.com> wrote in
news:U9TJh.3$aY1.55@eagle.america.net:

> Fig, you know when I made the comment that I didn't know why I was so
> tired, and I think I got into a conversation with you and someone
> else, and you mentioned the emotional part, and I said all I do is get
> Don's meds, etc. Well, I thought about that comment yesterday after
> taking our son to work, fixing Don's food, washing clothes, etc etc
> etc, and I thought: I am such a liar.
>
> I realized that it's not just emotions that are wearing me out...it's
> work, it's home, it's work at home, it's every damn thing. My daughter
> is sick, my older kids are at work, our teenager is at work, our other
> son is on the road for two weeks, and I'm a worn out mess...
>
> I I I I I ... I feel so bad about feeling bad when my husband really
> is feeling bad...Yesterday, I caved and flopped on the bed so tired
> and told my daughter to pick her brother up because if I had to do it,
> I think I would have screamed. She's not feeling well either, but she
> goes when she wants to go...in other words, if it's something she
> wants to do...
>
> Okay, I admit it...I am obviously a bad person. The cancer nurse asked
> me if I had a support group when I spoke with her about Don the other
> day, and I said yes that I did ... you guys. She said good because the
> one from the cancer clinc had fizzled out...I guess they were too
> tired to drive.
>
> I called my friend in Montana whose husband fell off their roof last
> June and has been on a ventilator since, and I asked her how she does
> what she does...she is bathing him, taking care f every need, feeding
> him, bathrooming him, and she is also working weekends waiting tables
> while someone sits with her husband...
>
> She said that she just does it because she has to do it and sounded so
> upbeat that I even felt worse for being such a whiner...
>
> I can't take a break and get off by myself like some of you have
> mentioned...I have to do things here...my friends are great and at
> first they offered to help do things...I have mentioned to many of
> them that my son needs his driver's license, and that would help
> tremendously...he can't drive himself there, and now he works days so
> he can play music at night...can I curse here again...I know I have
> before and felt bad about that, too, but SHIT!!!!!!!
>
> I'm sick of cancer, I'm sick of feeling mean and tired, I want my
> husband back, it hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe right now...if
> I could just be two people, clone myself, I could be okay...but I
> can't...
>
> I don't want to be "that person." I want to be loving and kind and
> never want my husband to feel that he is a burden ... if he feels that
> way, it's because (God forbid) he heard me talking to myself in the
> shower...hell, he can't hear, he's a musician...I forget.
>
> But if he had heard me, I would feel so so so awful...I was fussing
> about everything. Now, I'm thinking that when spring break is over and
> I get back to work, then I will feel better...it's a stressful job but
> not physically stressful...so again, Fig, it's not just my emotions,
> it's everything.
>
> If no one responds to this post, I can't say that I blame you...I am
> the tyrant of the newsgroup who will probably be set on ignore or
> whatever you guys do when a troll pops in ... you all have your own
> problems, and here I am acting like the world revolves around my world
> revolving.
>
> Have a good day!
> the bitch from hell
> G
>
G, I read everything in this thread & I'm really glad today is better.
But that doesn't mean your feelings yesterday were not valid. They were.
We all have our good days & our meltdown days. Please be gentle with
yourself. I know the guilt well. But I also know it's a long journey you
are on with lots of fear & unknowns. Don's issues don't make yours less
valid.

How sweet of your ex to send the cleaning crews! When people asked what
they could do, I'd think what I really needed was for someone to plunge
the toilets, but I just couldn't ask for that! Many days I came home to
2 out of 3 stopped up. Haven't had that problem since Socks died, but he
didn't choose the constipation & sure couldn't unstop the toilets
himself.

Maybe you could choose a few things the kids could do for you that could
really make a difference. Vacuum every day or two, scrub the shower/tub,
open & sort the mail into piles - throwing out the junk mail, grocery
shop, service your car, carry out the trash, change the sheets, do the
laundry, water the plants. How about making yourself some time when you
get home from work to lie down for a few minutes with a cool cloth over
your eyes? Just 5-10 minutes to decompress.

And you can always, always vent here. You won't wear us out. You
mentioned on another post how the in-person caregiver group folded. I,
too, felt I had no time for that most of the time. I enjoyed my group,
but it's hard to carve out that time. Someone is around this group most
of the time & you can post when you have time - odd times - so maybe this
works best for you.

I really hope you can get some regular help at home, either from your
family or outside. You can't do it all alone & there's no reason you
should have to or feel guilty for not.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your spring break & that you find some time
just for you to relax, nap, or sit quietly with Don..

Hugs,
Fig

Giuditta wrote:

> "maybe the odd stagger occasionally." I like that line. And yes, Don would
> be the one taking Cheyenne to work, etc. if he wasn't so weak...when he
> would be in town...even that much was a big help...like to know he was here
> to take a load off.
>
> It seems like at my lowest point a bright light breaks through, and I prayed
> for one and got it today. First, I watched the movie last night, Facing the
> Giants, which is inspirational, bad acting, but the message is positive...
>
> Then today, my ex-husband, who owns several Serv-Pro companies (they clean
> mostly water damages and burn-outs), well, he sent a cleaning crew over to
> deep clean our place, and tomorrow he's sending a guy out to shampoo the
> carpets...things I have put off doing for the past few months because I was
> too tired. I have kept the surfaces clean but not like baseboards through
> the place and just things I might notice aren't done...
>
> I felt like Heaven had descended all around us. They have some type of
> vacuum slash shampoo machine that cleans carpets and furniture that won't
> cause dust to fly everywhere, so Don wasn't breathing all that. I asked the
> crew what I needed to do to help them, like our teenager's room, and they
> said for me to go out on the balony, prop my feet up and read a book that
> they had this, so my husband and I sat out in the beautiful weather and
> enjoyed some good quality time.
>
> At his blood check today, his HCT was even lower than Monday, and the doctor
> suggested we go to the hospital for transfusions, but Don told him he didn't
> feel bad enough to do that, so the doctor said, "Great. Then go home and
> come back Friday." He got the procrit shot and if his blood is still low
> Friday he will have to be admitted to the hospital.
>
> So, that's my update on this crazy house.

Things seem to work themselves out with time.
Thanks for the update, G.
J