Messed up family stuff

Hi,

I don't even know where to start. I should probably NOT be putting this
out on the web.... I don't know what to do and do not have anyone else
with a similar experience to reference from.

Today my father who is terminal, sometime in the next 2-5 months most
likely, called me up to coerce, guilt, bully and shame me into keeping
a secret for him. This secret is about the severity of his illness and
the person who is not supposed to know is one of his other daughters,
my sister. My sister is away taking training for what is her ultimate
career choice that finishes in 3 weeks. I have told Mom and Dad that
they should not be lying to the extent that they are. They should be
telling her that he is getting worse. They seem to think that I will
spill their secret. I feel like shit about this. My sister never calls
me, but would call me if she was truth seeking.

This phone call from Dad today was terrible. I told him that I could
not say that I could lie if someone asked me directly about him. I also
promised (the "dying wish" here) that I would not seek her out to to
tell her what is going on. I also told Dad that I really did not feel
like this was fair, for a couple of reasons. I did not feel OK telling
someone a lie about something they had a right to know, especially
since it does affect them and they are asking. I also referred to a
situation last spring where my father broke a very specified confidence
(a situation that had me concerned about my husbands wellbeing) of
mine, very quickly I might add, to people who were NOT affected by this
information within our family. This same information was then used to
attempt to damage my marriage. (That is a long story, let me just say
that the only people who think there is a problem is my family who has
made no effort to get to know my husband in the last 10 years. I could
go on and on except that I will say that I feel that I have married the
right person who will love me and likewise until the end of time. We
have more than tested ourselves through sickness and health, wealth and
poverty many times over....) My father got downright manipulative and
cruel where my husband is concerned.

How this turned into a huge fight I have not idea. I don't know why my
father thinks that dying gives him the "right" to try to manipulate my
life, marriage and morals. I don't know what to do. He wants open and
frank discussion but has been lying to me and himself for years. Now he
is putting subtle pressure on me to "be" a certain way before he dies.
He does not TRUST me to make my own decision, to live a life that is
the correct one for me. It is all about church and living a pure life
for him. My husband embodies, in his mind, the worst of his own sins.
He fancies himself superior because he can be "born again" every time
he screws up. He has now assumed that my husband is guilty of his own
sins, with no possibility of innocence. (Let me say at this point that
my husband has cared for me for 3 years through a serious and
debilitating illness with no resentment or lack of love. That same
illness has brought on financial hardship, no ill feelings from my dear
husband.)

I don't know what to do. I think that my father needs to trust my
sister with the truth and in her own strength. I think he needs to let
go of trying to control his children, still. I think I need to find a
way back to my individual power that has been taken away out of the
guilt of terminal illness. This is such an huge mess. How can someone
who is dying put so much on the people they are leaving behind? How can
their legacy be of lies, distrust and hurt when that is not what they
were when they were living?

I don't know what to do....

Nina

"NinaW" <radiography@canada.com> wrote in message
news:1163486375.463116.244910@f16g2000cwb.googlegr oups.com...
> Hi,
>
> I don't even know where to start. I should probably NOT be putting this
> out on the web.... I don't know what to do and do not have anyone else
> with a similar experience to reference from.
>
> Today my father who is terminal, sometime in the next 2-5 months most
> likely, called me up to coerce, guilt, bully and shame me into keeping
> a secret for him. This secret is about the severity of his illness and
> the person who is not supposed to know is one of his other daughters,
> my sister. My sister is away taking training for what is her ultimate
> career choice that finishes in 3 weeks. I have told Mom and Dad that
> they should not be lying to the extent that they are. They should be
> telling her that he is getting worse. They seem to think that I will
> spill their secret. I feel like shit about this. My sister never calls
> me, but would call me if she was truth seeking.
>
> This phone call from Dad today was terrible. I told him that I could
> not say that I could lie if someone asked me directly about him. I also
> promised (the "dying wish" here) that I would not seek her out to to
> tell her what is going on. I also told Dad that I really did not feel
> like this was fair, for a couple of reasons. I did not feel OK telling
> someone a lie about something they had a right to know, especially
> since it does affect them and they are asking. I also referred to a
> situation last spring where my father broke a very specified confidence
> (a situation that had me concerned about my husbands wellbeing) of
> mine, very quickly I might add, to people who were NOT affected by this
> information within our family. This same information was then used to
> attempt to damage my marriage. (That is a long story, let me just say
> that the only people who think there is a problem is my family who has
> made no effort to get to know my husband in the last 10 years. I could
> go on and on except that I will say that I feel that I have married the
> right person who will love me and likewise until the end of time. We
> have more than tested ourselves through sickness and health, wealth and
> poverty many times over....) My father got downright manipulative and
> cruel where my husband is concerned.
>
> How this turned into a huge fight I have not idea. I don't know why my
> father thinks that dying gives him the "right" to try to manipulate my
> life, marriage and morals. I don't know what to do. He wants open and
> frank discussion but has been lying to me and himself for years. Now he
> is putting subtle pressure on me to "be" a certain way before he dies.
> He does not TRUST me to make my own decision, to live a life that is
> the correct one for me. It is all about church and living a pure life
> for him. My husband embodies, in his mind, the worst of his own sins.
> He fancies himself superior because he can be "born again" every time
> he screws up. He has now assumed that my husband is guilty of his own
> sins, with no possibility of innocence. (Let me say at this point that
> my husband has cared for me for 3 years through a serious and
> debilitating illness with no resentment or lack of love. That same
> illness has brought on financial hardship, no ill feelings from my dear
> husband.)
>
> I don't know what to do. I think that my father needs to trust my
> sister with the truth and in her own strength. I think he needs to let
> go of trying to control his children, still. I think I need to find a
> way back to my individual power that has been taken away out of the
> guilt of terminal illness. This is such an huge mess. How can someone
> who is dying put so much on the people they are leaving behind? How can
> their legacy be of lies, distrust and hurt when that is not what they
> were when they were living?
>
> I don't know what to do....
>
> Nina
>
Nina,

I has a very manipulative mother-in-law who could "wash away her sins" in
the confessional box whenever needed. She saw herself as the centre of the
universe, to be loved and respected by the family. I was persona non grata,
being non-catholic and not Irish.

There comes a stage in your life where your loyalties lie with your new
family, your husband or wife and they must be number one. Any good parent
knows this and steps back to let it happen. It's strange to thinks of cancer
empowering somebody, but it gives your father the feeling of nothing to
loose or added sympathy and it seems he wants to flex that added muscle. It
also gives an added protection, people are less prepared to answer back,
disagree or even disobey. It seems that he can't help abusing this position.
You should not feel guily, you have nothing to be guilty about.

I have always found that honesty is the best policy, easy to say but so
often hard to do. Don't lie for others, it rarely helps a situation. Maybe
you should lay your cards on the table and tell them exactly where your
loyalties are, with your husband. Point out the other view that your sister
could end up forever resenting the fact that she was not told the truth and
how that could taint the memory of her parents. She will have to know soon
enough, is it not better that she can maybe make more time for them now,
while it can be quality time rather than just turning up for the end.

Good luck, be strong and be true to yourself.

Ian

NinaW wrote:

> Today my father who is terminal, sometime in the next 2-5 months most
> likely, called me up to coerce, guilt, bully and shame me into keeping
> a secret for him. This secret is about the severity of his illness and
> the person who is not supposed to know is one of his other daughters,
> my sister. My sister is away taking training for what is her ultimate
> career choice that finishes in 3 weeks. I have told Mom and Dad that
> they should not be lying to the extent that they are. They should be
> telling her that he is getting worse. They seem to think that I will
> spill their secret. I feel like shit about this. My sister never calls
> me, but would call me if she was truth seeking.
>
> This phone call from Dad today was terrible. I told him that I could
> not say that I could lie if someone asked me directly about him. I also
> promised (the "dying wish" here) that I would not seek her out to to
> tell her what is going on. I also told Dad that I really did not feel
> like this was fair, for a couple of reasons. I did not feel OK telling
> someone a lie about something they had a right to know, especially
> since it does affect them and they are asking.<snip>
>
> I don't know what to do....

Nina,
I think something similar occurred when my mother was hospitalized -
agreement between my sister and my father not to tell me nor my brother.

You say she'll be done in 3 weeks - I expect she'll see him? Surely she'll
notice the deterioration..
Surely she'll learn that hospice is involved?

As long as she gets to see him and be with him, surely you can honor his
request?

If she's out of town or country and calls to talk about her career plans
(job searches), then tell her you think she should plan a few weeks for a
family get together first. If she has no current plans to visit, then make
one - a gathering to celebrate her graduation and get updated on family.
Wouldn't that work?
J

"Bozz" <NotGiven@BTInternet.com> wrote in message
news:FrGdnV9ACt8F7sTYRVnyhA@bt.com...
>
> "NinaW" <radiography@canada.com> wrote in message
> news:1163486375.463116.244910@f16g2000cwb.googlegr oups.com...
>> Hi,
>>
>> I don't even know where to start. I should probably NOT be putting this
>> out on the web.... I don't know what to do and do not have anyone else
>> with a similar experience to reference from.
>>
>> Today my father who is terminal, sometime in the next 2-5 months most
>> likely, called me up to coerce, guilt, bully and shame me into keeping
>> a secret for him. This secret is about the severity of his illness and
>> the person who is not supposed to know is one of his other daughters,
>> my sister. My sister is away taking training for what is her ultimate
>> career choice that finishes in 3 weeks. I have told Mom and Dad that
>> they should not be lying to the extent that they are. They should be
>> telling her that he is getting worse. They seem to think that I will
>> spill their secret. I feel like shit about this. My sister never calls
>> me, but would call me if she was truth seeking.
>>
>> This phone call from Dad today was terrible. I told him that I could
>> not say that I could lie if someone asked me directly about him. I also
>> promised (the "dying wish" here) that I would not seek her out to to
>> tell her what is going on. I also told Dad that I really did not feel
>> like this was fair, for a couple of reasons. I did not feel OK telling
>> someone a lie about something they had a right to know, especially
>> since it does affect them and they are asking. I also referred to a
>> situation last spring where my father broke a very specified confidence
>> (a situation that had me concerned about my husbands wellbeing) of
>> mine, very quickly I might add, to people who were NOT affected by this
>> information within our family. This same information was then used to
>> attempt to damage my marriage. (That is a long story, let me just say
>> that the only people who think there is a problem is my family who has
>> made no effort to get to know my husband in the last 10 years. I could
>> go on and on except that I will say that I feel that I have married the
>> right person who will love me and likewise until the end of time. We
>> have more than tested ourselves through sickness and health, wealth and
>> poverty many times over....) My father got downright manipulative and
>> cruel where my husband is concerned.
>>
>> How this turned into a huge fight I have not idea. I don't know why my
>> father thinks that dying gives him the "right" to try to manipulate my
>> life, marriage and morals. I don't know what to do. He wants open and
>> frank discussion but has been lying to me and himself for years. Now he
>> is putting subtle pressure on me to "be" a certain way before he dies.
>> He does not TRUST me to make my own decision, to live a life that is
>> the correct one for me. It is all about church and living a pure life
>> for him. My husband embodies, in his mind, the worst of his own sins.
>> He fancies himself superior because he can be "born again" every time
>> he screws up. He has now assumed that my husband is guilty of his own
>> sins, with no possibility of innocence. (Let me say at this point that
>> my husband has cared for me for 3 years through a serious and
>> debilitating illness with no resentment or lack of love. That same
>> illness has brought on financial hardship, no ill feelings from my dear
>> husband.)
>>
>> I don't know what to do. I think that my father needs to trust my
>> sister with the truth and in her own strength. I think he needs to let
>> go of trying to control his children, still. I think I need to find a
>> way back to my individual power that has been taken away out of the
>> guilt of terminal illness. This is such an huge mess. How can someone
>> who is dying put so much on the people they are leaving behind? How can
>> their legacy be of lies, distrust and hurt when that is not what they
>> were when they were living?
>>
>> I don't know what to do....
>>
>> Nina
>>
> Nina,
>
> I has a very manipulative mother-in-law who could "wash away her sins" in
> the confessional box whenever needed. She saw herself as the centre of the
> universe, to be loved and respected by the family. I was persona non
> grata, being non-catholic and not Irish.
>
> There comes a stage in your life where your loyalties lie with your new
> family, your husband or wife and they must be number one. Any good parent
> knows this and steps back to let it happen. It's strange to thinks of
> cancer empowering somebody, but it gives your father the feeling of
> nothing to loose or added sympathy and it seems he wants to flex that
> added muscle. It also gives an added protection, people are less prepared
> to answer back, disagree or even disobey. It seems that he can't help
> abusing this position. You should not feel guily, you have nothing to be
> guilty about.
>
> I have always found that honesty is the best policy, easy to say but so
> often hard to do. Don't lie for others, it rarely helps a situation. Maybe
> you should lay your cards on the table and tell them exactly where your
> loyalties are, with your husband. Point out the other view that your
> sister could end up forever resenting the fact that she was not told the
> truth and how that could taint the memory of her parents. She will have to
> know soon enough, is it not better that she can maybe make more time for
> them now, while it can be quality time rather than just turning up for the
> end.
>
> Good luck, be strong and be true to yourself.
>
> Ian
>
>
>
Hi Nina,

I agree whole heartedly with what Ian has just said and it was very well
put. I don't think that any parent has the right to be so controlling and
manipulative of their children, and being terminal does not offer any excuse
for such behaviour.

I'm facing similar in a way with my FIL. He has not spoken with his
remaining son for over 20 years and requested that he not be told of the
situation. I'm going to abide by his wishes but only for so long, once
things take a turn for the worse and his life expectancy is in terms of
weeks, I've decided that I will indeed tell him. I don't see how I have the
right to withold that sort of information or the opportunity for the son to
make it up (if pos) with his dad.

I don't see why anyone should be called on to lie, it's dishonest and will
lead to resentment and backlash. Perhaps you phrase the news carefully
where there is a heavy implication of the truth without actually stating it.

I am sorry Nina that you are having to deal with this, already your emotions
are in turmoil without the added burden.

Hugs

Alayne
>

NinaW wrote:
.. This secret is about the severity of his illness and
> the person who is not supposed to know is one of his other daughters,
> my sister. My sister is away taking training for what is her ultimate
> career choice that finishes in 3 weeks. .........

If your sister, or anyone else should ask, I think the appropriate
response would be.

"I am not at liberty to answer your question(s) at all. You should ask
them (Dad/Mom, whomever) yourself."

That covers all, I believe. Your Father should not put you in the
middle. But he is protecting one of his children...and that is
understandable.

Blessings.

turtletrot1 wrote:

> That covers all, I believe. Your Father should not put you in the
> middle. But he is protecting one of his children...and that is
> understandable.

As a mother of 3, I can't understand protecting one child at the expense
of another. Sorry. I will agree with the answer "ask them yourself".

What is it with some "religious" people and their "my way or rot in
hell" attitudes. What ever happened to "do unto others?" Don't they
teach that anymore? JMTCW

Janet
--
Janet Wilder
Bad spelling. Bad punctuation
Good Friends. Good Life

NinaW said...
> I don't know what to do....
>
Ruddy 'eck, what a horrible situation to be in! Do we take it that your
sister is a 'full' sister, i.e. the child of both your parents? If so
then surely she has the right (or as much right as you) to know what's
going on? Why on earth would any loving parent put such a burden on one
child and seek not to worry another?

I can't advise you, but I can try to put myself into the position you're
in...

If it were me in your situation I'd be refusing point blank to have
anything to do with such lies and deceit, and I'd also be pointing out
that arrogance is also one of the deadly sins. I'd be saying that your
father is being arrogant claiming to know what's best for your sister
and extremely so in his dealings with you and your husband. (I can't
help wondering what God thinks about the business of 'if I do wrong I
can be born again any time I like' - I've always been under the
impression that the 'rebirth' only happens once to a person).

I'm not you, and I'm not in your situation, but if I were... I'd be
telling daddy that he's being about as unfair and cruel as it's possible
to be to his children.

Given the circumstances I'm rather glad I'm not you. I'd hate to have
to tell my father he was being a complete prat.

Sorry Nina, that probably wasn't what you wanted and it almost certainly
wasn't very polite. I can't imagine a parent acting like that.
Actually yes I can - I was ignorant of my father's life of pain and
illness until after he died. That was probably more a comment on the
time though: he was apparently brought up believing that children didn't
need to be told things.

Tell you what, you sit down and have a cuppa - tea or coffee? Milk?
Sugar? - and I'll see if there are any chocolate biccies left in the
tin. You never know, Alayne may have left some of that choccy cake as
well - although judging from the telltale marks around her mouth I
somehow doubt it :-)

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} for you Nina - you sound like you could use them.

--
Em, with love.

Thanks everyone! To answer a few questions... this is a full blood
sister, neither of my parents have been with anyone else. I am the
oldest of 4 daughters.

I understand why they are trying not to stress out my sister, this
course is very difficult and is a once in a lifetime deal if you get
in. Someone in her class was let go despite having two deaths in the
family during the course. However, I think they can tell her the truth.
I think they can tell her that Dad will still be here in 3 weeks when
she comes home.

The reason I am being bullied is because I did say that I cannot lie if
she asks me about Dad. I don't think she will call me, she has only
been calling my parents for the last 2 months.

I am so angry! My life has been very difficult for the last 3 years
because of my own serious illnesses. One night in the hospital almost 3
years ago me and my family were told by a surgeon that I may need to
have my whole colon removed because I had toxic megacolon and was on
the verge of rupture or sepsis or both. I was told I could die. Even
before the decision was made early the next morning about my colon my
father left the hospital to go to work. HE WENT TO WORK WHEN I MAY HAVE
BEEN DYING. I have forgiven him for that, without telling him how hurt
I was. My own illness has given me a different perspective on life, I
thought he would grow in the same way. I was wrong. He is still
judgemental and narrow minded. He is holding "court" at his home
expecting things from people that he never has given them in his whole
life. He acts as if his impending death has given him wisdom we are all
lacking.

I am going to call the local hospice society and see if there is
someone I can talk to about my anger. I will not let him damage my
marriage to a wonderful, loving, honest man and father. (For the
record, I told my neighbors about my father's accusations against my
husband. They both know my husband very, very well and the husband is a
Lutheran Pastor. They think that my husband is solid gold and not
capable even a little of the accusations that have been leveled against
him. They think that my father is transferring his own guilt about his
own sins onto my husband.)

When Dad was diagnosed I decided to treat him the way I wished he would
have treated me during my illness. I forgave him his absence in my life
and his "support" that only came in the form of cash money. I thought
that he would grow and learn to love instead of judge. I don't know
what happened! ......

Could the medications be affecting him? Is there something else that
has brought out this terrible side? Do I let him go on thinking he is
right since he won't live long anyways? I don't want to have the last
of our time together filled with conflict, I do love him and will miss
him despite all this. My husband is no longer seeing my family (most of
them are in on the accusations) and I support him in that. I have told
my family, and my father, that I will no longer defend my husband to
them. If they cannot see all the good things he does and the integrity
that he lives his life by that's not my problem. I have also promised
Dad that I will not seek out my sister to tell her about his condition.
When she comes home I will speak to her of it if she asks. I also told
Dad that lying is not something I can do (well or at all) and feel even
a little OK about and that I will not lie in answer to a direct
question.

Thank you all so much for letting me dump a long and dismal story onto
you. I appreciate the comments, hugs and support you have all given me!

Nina

NinaW said...
> I was told I could die. Even
> before the decision was made early the next morning about my colon my
> father left the hospital to go to work. HE WENT TO WORK WHEN I MAY HAVE
> BEEN DYING.
>
It may have been the only way he could cope - you never know. I don't
know how old he is (you may have said but if so I've forgotten); he may
be part of the 'never show your feelings' generation who keep going on
as normal at all costs. My own father was a bit like that at times so I
think I can understand. I don't agree with it though.

--
Em

I also believe that is what motivated him to go to work and everything
else around my illness.

Nina

Emily wrote:
> NinaW said...
> > I was told I could die. Even
> > before the decision was made early the next morning about my colon my
> > father left the hospital to go to work. HE WENT TO WORK WHEN I MAY HAVE
> > BEEN DYING.
> >
> It may have been the only way he could cope - you never know. I don't
> know how old he is (you may have said but if so I've forgotten); he may
> be part of the 'never show your feelings' generation who keep going on
> as normal at all costs. My own father was a bit like that at times so I
> think I can understand. I don't agree with it though.
>
> --
> Em

NinaW said...
> I also believe that is what motivated him to go to work and everything
> else around my illness.
>
> Nina
>
> Emily wrote:
> > NinaW said...
> > > I was told I could die. Even
> > > before the decision was made early the next morning about my colon my
> > > father left the hospital to go to work. HE WENT TO WORK WHEN I MAY HAVE
> > > BEEN DYING.
> > >
> > It may have been the only way he could cope - you never know. I don't
> > know how old he is (you may have said but if so I've forgotten); he may
> > be part of the 'never show your feelings' generation who keep going on
> > as normal at all costs. My own father was a bit like that at times so I
> > think I can understand. I don't agree with it though.
> >
It doesn't make it any the less hurtful though, does it :-(

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

--
Em

Hi Nina:

So sorry to read of your predicament.

HOWEVER, I know my Dad got very strange in his final year. His personality
did change. He accused us (my wife and I) of all sorts of things (eg:
stealing $15,000 from him, not being there for my own kids, and all sorts of
things that MADE ABSOLUTELY NO LOGIC/SENSE). At other times, he was his old
rational loving sense but it was VERY tough dealing with it. But we did. We
knew it was the illness talking (and, in fact, it did spread to his brain --
merkel cell carcinoma).

It sounds like your relationship with your Dad has been rocky anyway.

My suggestion to you would be to honor his wishes for awhile. You said your
sister has a big 3 weeks coming up. So, don't tell her for that time. When
your father gets worse, then you can spill the beans (although I suspect
your sister will learn the truth from some other source by that time).

It's a tough situation.

Good luck to you.

Mel (also a fellow IBD sufferer???)









"NinaW" <radiography@canada.com> wrote in message
news:1163486375.463116.244910@f16g2000cwb.googlegr oups.com...
> Hi,
>
> I don't even know where to start. I should probably NOT be putting this
> out on the web.... I don't know what to do and do not have anyone else
> with a similar experience to reference from.
>
> Today my father who is terminal, sometime in the next 2-5 months most
> likely, called me up to coerce, guilt, bully and shame me into keeping
> a secret for him. This secret is about the severity of his illness and
> the person who is not supposed to know is one of his other daughters,
> my sister. My sister is away taking training for what is her ultimate
> career choice that finishes in 3 weeks. I have told Mom and Dad that
> they should not be lying to the extent that they are. They should be
> telling her that he is getting worse. They seem to think that I will
> spill their secret. I feel like shit about this. My sister never calls
> me, but would call me if she was truth seeking.
>
> This phone call from Dad today was terrible. I told him that I could
> not say that I could lie if someone asked me directly about him. I also
> promised (the "dying wish" here) that I would not seek her out to to
> tell her what is going on. I also told Dad that I really did not feel
> like this was fair, for a couple of reasons. I did not feel OK telling
> someone a lie about something they had a right to know, especially
> since it does affect them and they are asking. I also referred to a
> situation last spring where my father broke a very specified confidence
> (a situation that had me concerned about my husbands wellbeing) of
> mine, very quickly I might add, to people who were NOT affected by this
> information within our family. This same information was then used to
> attempt to damage my marriage. (That is a long story, let me just say
> that the only people who think there is a problem is my family who has
> made no effort to get to know my husband in the last 10 years. I could
> go on and on except that I will say that I feel that I have married the
> right person who will love me and likewise until the end of time. We
> have more than tested ourselves through sickness and health, wealth and
> poverty many times over....) My father got downright manipulative and
> cruel where my husband is concerned.
>
> How this turned into a huge fight I have not idea. I don't know why my
> father thinks that dying gives him the "right" to try to manipulate my
> life, marriage and morals. I don't know what to do. He wants open and
> frank discussion but has been lying to me and himself for years. Now he
> is putting subtle pressure on me to "be" a certain way before he dies.
> He does not TRUST me to make my own decision, to live a life that is
> the correct one for me. It is all about church and living a pure life
> for him. My husband embodies, in his mind, the worst of his own sins.
> He fancies himself superior because he can be "born again" every time
> he screws up. He has now assumed that my husband is guilty of his own
> sins, with no possibility of innocence. (Let me say at this point that
> my husband has cared for me for 3 years through a serious and
> debilitating illness with no resentment or lack of love. That same
> illness has brought on financial hardship, no ill feelings from my dear
> husband.)
>
> I don't know what to do. I think that my father needs to trust my
> sister with the truth and in her own strength. I think he needs to let
> go of trying to control his children, still. I think I need to find a
> way back to my individual power that has been taken away out of the
> guilt of terminal illness. This is such an huge mess. How can someone
> who is dying put so much on the people they are leaving behind? How can
> their legacy be of lies, distrust and hurt when that is not what they
> were when they were living?
>
> I don't know what to do....
>
> Nina
>

Thanks Mel,

Yeah, I am an IBDer. Severe pancolitis... with enteropathic arthritis
and severe fatigue.

My relationship with Dad has had its moments, we got fairly close in
the last 10 years. He does things and says things that I don't
understand sometimes. I know that his upbringing was less than ideal.

I'll just ride this out. I promised him and Mom over and over that I
would not contact my sister so that there would not be an opportunity
to tell her what is going on. I want her to do well also. What I have a
problem with is their insistance that I lie if she seeks me out and
asks me. If she did that she would already suspect something. I cannot
lie, I'm terrible at it. I told them this, being truthful with them,
but that is not enough.

Add in the attacks on my marriage and I'm barely hanging on.
Anyways, thanks to everyone! Take care,

Nina
MZB wrote:
> Hi Nina:
>
> So sorry to read of your predicament.
>
> HOWEVER, I know my Dad got very strange in his final year. His personality
> did change. He accused us (my wife and I) of all sorts of things (eg:
> stealing $15,000 from him, not being there for my own kids, and all sorts of
> things that MADE ABSOLUTELY NO LOGIC/SENSE). At other times, he was his old
> rational loving sense but it was VERY tough dealing with it. But we did. We
> knew it was the illness talking (and, in fact, it did spread to his brain --
> merkel cell carcinoma).
>
> It sounds like your relationship with your Dad has been rocky anyway.
>
> My suggestion to you would be to honor his wishes for awhile. You said your
> sister has a big 3 weeks coming up. So, don't tell her for that time. When
> your father gets worse, then you can spill the beans (although I suspect
> your sister will learn the truth from some other source by that time).
>
> It's a tough situation.
>
> Good luck to you.
>
> Mel (also a fellow IBD sufferer???)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "NinaW" <radiography@canada.com> wrote in message
> news:1163486375.463116.244910@f16g2000cwb.googlegr oups.com...
> > Hi,
> >
> > I don't even know where to start. I should probably NOT be putting this
> > out on the web.... I don't know what to do and do not have anyone else
> > with a similar experience to reference from.
> >
> > Today my father who is terminal, sometime in the next 2-5 months most
> > likely, called me up to coerce, guilt, bully and shame me into keeping
> > a secret for him. This secret is about the severity of his illness and
> > the person who is not supposed to know is one of his other daughters,
> > my sister. My sister is away taking training for what is her ultimate
> > career choice that finishes in 3 weeks. I have told Mom and Dad that
> > they should not be lying to the extent that they are. They should be
> > telling her that he is getting worse. They seem to think that I will
> > spill their secret. I feel like shit about this. My sister never calls
> > me, but would call me if she was truth seeking.
> >
> > This phone call from Dad today was terrible. I told him that I could
> > not say that I could lie if someone asked me directly about him. I also
> > promised (the "dying wish" here) that I would not seek her out to to
> > tell her what is going on. I also told Dad that I really did not feel
> > like this was fair, for a couple of reasons. I did not feel OK telling
> > someone a lie about something they had a right to know, especially
> > since it does affect them and they are asking. I also referred to a
> > situation last spring where my father broke a very specified confidence
> > (a situation that had me concerned about my husbands wellbeing) of
> > mine, very quickly I might add, to people who were NOT affected by this
> > information within our family. This same information was then used to
> > attempt to damage my marriage. (That is a long story, let me just say
> > that the only people who think there is a problem is my family who has
> > made no effort to get to know my husband in the last 10 years. I could
> > go on and on except that I will say that I feel that I have married the
> > right person who will love me and likewise until the end of time. We
> > have more than tested ourselves through sickness and health, wealth and
> > poverty many times over....) My father got downright manipulative and
> > cruel where my husband is concerned.
> >
> > How this turned into a huge fight I have not idea. I don't know why my
> > father thinks that dying gives him the "right" to try to manipulate my
> > life, marriage and morals. I don't know what to do. He wants open and
> > frank discussion but has been lying to me and himself for years. Now he
> > is putting subtle pressure on me to "be" a certain way before he dies.
> > He does not TRUST me to make my own decision, to live a life that is
> > the correct one for me. It is all about church and living a pure life
> > for him. My husband embodies, in his mind, the worst of his own sins.
> > He fancies himself superior because he can be "born again" every time
> > he screws up. He has now assumed that my husband is guilty of his own
> > sins, with no possibility of innocence. (Let me say at this point that
> > my husband has cared for me for 3 years through a serious and
> > debilitating illness with no resentment or lack of love. That same
> > illness has brought on financial hardship, no ill feelings from my dear
> > husband.)
> >
> > I don't know what to do. I think that my father needs to trust my
> > sister with the truth and in her own strength. I think he needs to let
> > go of trying to control his children, still. I think I need to find a
> > way back to my individual power that has been taken away out of the
> > guilt of terminal illness. This is such an huge mess. How can someone
> > who is dying put so much on the people they are leaving behind? How can
> > their legacy be of lies, distrust and hurt when that is not what they
> > were when they were living?
> >
> > I don't know what to do....
> >
> > Nina
> >