Support for Mom with cancer

How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
with her or let her just rest? They have given her a 33% survival
rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
from chemo and not be able to help her. I am not handling this well,
I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad. This is
the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
scream......Any advise please

Irishgirl wrote:

> How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> with her or let her just rest? They have given her a 33% survival
> rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> from chemo and not be able to help her. I am not handling this well,
> I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad. This is
> the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
> guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
> scream......Any advise please

Welcome IrishGirl
I can see you're upset. It's hard to answer your questions not knowing
more.
How long's she been your mother, please?
And which type and stage of cancer does she have?
Did she have surgery first?
And is she in hospital or at home with you?
Hope to hear back from you.
Please know there are others here, caring too.
J

On Jan 31, 4:30*am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> Irishgirl wrote:
> > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> > with her or let her just rest? *They have given her a 33% survival
> > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> > from chemo and not be able to help her. *I am not handling this well,
> > I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad. This is
> > the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
> > guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
> > scream......Any advise please
>
> Welcome IrishGirl
> I can see you're upset. It's hard to answer your questions not knowing
> more.
> How long's she been your mother, please?
> And which type and stage of cancer does she have?
> Did she have surgery first?
> And is she in hospital or at home with you?
> Hope to hear back from you.
> Please know there are others here, caring too.
> J

Mom is 68 years old, she was first diagnosed with breast cancer last
summer and had surgery to remove the growth. All reports was positive
until November she started having a hard time breathing and they sent
her to a lung specialist which discovered the cancer had spread to her
lungs and throat. She is at home only 2 miles from me. Thank you for
responding, I am just having a hard time accepting this

Irishgirl

Irishgirl wrote:

> On Jan 31, 4:30 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> > > with her or let her just rest? They have given her a 33% survival
> > > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> > > from chemo and not be able to help her. I am not handling this well,
> > > I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad. This is
> > > the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
> > > guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
> > > scream......Any advise please
>
> Mom is 68 years old, she was first diagnosed with breast cancer last
> summer and had surgery to remove the growth. All reports was positive
> until November she started having a hard time breathing and they sent
> her to a lung specialist which discovered the cancer had spread to her
> lungs and throat. She is at home only 2 miles from me. Thank you for
> responding, I am just having a hard time accepting this
>
> Irishgirl

Hello,
I feel badly for you and your mother.
This was years ago, but my mother died 2 weeks after her lung cancer
diagnosis. She was in hospital for ~6 weeks and it took some time to find
the cause of her ongoing pneumonia. Same age as your mother. They
(relatives) withheld the info from me, probably because I had a trip
(holiday) planned to go visit them, a month or so later, on the other coast
and I suppose were hoping she'd live long enough for me to see her. It didn't
happen, so it's a blessing that you live nearby.

Sounds to me that your mother's cancer had already spread when she was
diagnosed. (but perhaps the other tumors could not be seen, at that time, on
scans).

You do need to be strong and keep toxic people (and behaviors and habits) far
away from you and your mother.
(I saw your post elsewhere).
Are there others nearby, you can rely on to lean on, support you ?

J - will watch for your followup

On Feb 1, 8:07*am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> Irishgirl wrote:
> > On Jan 31, 4:30 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> > > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> > > > with her or let her just rest? *They have given her a 33% survival
> > > > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> > > > from chemo and not be able to help her. *I am not handling this well,
> > > > I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad. This is
> > > > the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
> > > > guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
> > > > scream......Any advise please
>
> > Mom is 68 years old, she was first diagnosed with breast cancer last
> > summer and had surgery to remove the growth. All reports was positive
> > until November she started having a hard time breathing and they sent
> > her to a lung specialist which discovered the cancer had spread to her
> > lungs and throat. She is at home only 2 miles from me. Thank you for
> > responding, I am just having a hard time accepting this
>
> > Irishgirl
>
> Hello,
> I feel badly for you and your mother.
> This was years ago, but my mother died 2 weeks after her lung cancer
> diagnosis. *She was in hospital for ~6 weeks and it took some time to find
> the cause of her ongoing pneumonia. *Same age as your mother. *They
> (relatives) withheld the info from me, probably because I had a trip
> (holiday) planned to go visit them, a month or so later, on the other coast
> and I suppose were hoping she'd live long enough for me to see her. It didn't
> happen, so it's a blessing that you live nearby.
>
> Sounds to me that your mother's cancer had already spread when she was
> diagnosed. (but perhaps the other tumors could not be seen, at that time, on
> scans).
>
> You do need to be strong and keep toxic people (and behaviors and habits) far
> away from you and your mother.
> (I saw your post elsewhere).
> Are there others nearby, you can rely on to lean on, support you ?
>
> J - will watch for your followup- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

Thank you so much, please keep us in your prayers. I am not ready to
let her go.
irishgirl

On Feb 1, 7:06 am, Irishgirl <LSCARTE...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Feb 1, 8:07 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
>
>
>
> > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > On Jan 31, 4:30 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> > > > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > > > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> > > > > with her or let her just rest? They have given her a 33% survival
> > > > > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> > > > > from chemo and not be able to help her. I am not handling this well,
> > > > > I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad. This is
> > > > > the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
> > > > > guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
> > > > > scream......Any advise please
>
> > > Mom is 68 years old, she was first diagnosed with breast cancer last
> > > summer and had surgery to remove the growth. All reports was positive
> > > until November she started having a hard time breathing and they sent
> > > her to a lung specialist which discovered the cancer had spread to her
> > > lungs and throat. She is at home only 2 miles from me. Thank you for
> > > responding, I am just having a hard time accepting this
>
> > > Irishgirl
>
> > Hello,
> > I feel badly for you and your mother.
> > This was years ago, but my mother died 2 weeks after her lung cancer
> > diagnosis. She was in hospital for ~6 weeks and it took some time to find
> > the cause of her ongoing pneumonia. Same age as your mother. They
> > (relatives) withheld the info from me, probably because I had a trip
> > (holiday) planned to go visit them, a month or so later, on the other coast
> > and I suppose were hoping she'd live long enough for me to see her. It didn't
> > happen, so it's a blessing that you live nearby.
>
> > Sounds to me that your mother's cancer had already spread when she was
> > diagnosed. (but perhaps the other tumors could not be seen, at that time, on
> > scans).
>
> > You do need to be strong and keep toxic people (and behaviors and habits) far
> > away from you and your mother.
> > (I saw your post elsewhere).
> > Are there others nearby, you can rely on to lean on, support you ?
>
> > J - will watch for your followup- Hide quoted text -
>
> > - Show quoted text -
>
> Thank you so much, please keep us in your prayers. I am not ready to
> let her go.
> irishgirl

Know that you're in the thoughts and prayers of many here, whether
they post directly about it or not.

---
CSM

On Feb 1, 10:06*am, csm7...@hotmail.com wrote:
> On Feb 1, 7:06 am, Irishgirl <LSCARTE...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Feb 1, 8:07 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
>
> > > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > > On Jan 31, 4:30 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> > > > > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > > > > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> > > > > > with her or let her just rest? *They have given her a 33% survival
> > > > > > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> > > > > > from chemo and not be able to help her. *I am not handling this well,
> > > > > > I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad. This is
> > > > > > the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
> > > > > > guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
> > > > > > scream......Any advise please
>
> > > > Mom is 68 years old, she was first diagnosed with breast cancer last
> > > > summer and had surgery to remove the growth. All reports was positive
> > > > until November she started having a hard time breathing and they sent
> > > > her to a lung specialist which discovered the cancer had spread to her
> > > > lungs and throat. She is at home only 2 miles from me. Thank you for
> > > > responding, I am just having a hard time accepting this
>
> > > > Irishgirl
>
> > > Hello,
> > > I feel badly for you and your mother.
> > > This was years ago, but my mother died 2 weeks after her lung cancer
> > > diagnosis. *She was in hospital for ~6 weeks and it took some time to find
> > > the cause of her ongoing pneumonia. *Same age as your mother. *They
> > > (relatives) withheld the info from me, probably because I had a trip
> > > (holiday) planned to go visit them, a month or so later, on the other coast
> > > and I suppose were hoping she'd live long enough for me to see her. Itdidn't
> > > happen, so it's a blessing that you live nearby.
>
> > > Sounds to me that your mother's cancer had already spread when she was
> > > diagnosed. (but perhaps the other tumors could not be seen, at that time, on
> > > scans).
>
> > > You do need to be strong and keep toxic people (and behaviors and habits) far
> > > away from you and your mother.
> > > (I saw your post elsewhere).
> > > Are there others nearby, you can rely on to lean on, support you ?
>
> > > J - will watch for your followup- Hide quoted text -
>
> > > - Show quoted text -
>
> > Thank you so much, please keep us in your prayers. I am not ready to
> > let her go.
> > irishgirl
>
> Know that you're in the thoughts and prayers of many here, whether
> they post directly about it or not.
>
> ---
> CSM- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

Thank you so much, I do beleive in the power of prayer.
Irishgirl

Irishgirl wrote:

> How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> with her or let her just rest? They have given her a 33% survival
> rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> from chemo and not be able to help her. I am not handling this well,

Since you live nearby, I would suggest that you call and ask her if you
can go see her.
Ask her favorite flavor of ice cream and take a straw (in case she needs
it less cold and more fluid).
Take some oil or cream and give her a footrub while you talk.
Ask her to make an appointment with the oncologist so you two can go
together.
If you think it's better, call the oncologist and go on your own.
Take a pad of paper, so you can ask some questions and write the answers
down.

My questions would be:
1) how many treatments are you giving her? What's the name of her chemo?
2) What are the usual side effects ?
3) Where else may the cancer spread?
4) What is her prognosis (your best estimate) ?
5) Do we need a letter from you to involve hospice help at home for my
mother?
6) Is there a group which meets at this center/hospital that I can go to,
in order to ask their experiences with hospices in our area? If so, where
and what time? If not, who else should I ask?

Once you have the answers, you can get started on searching for home
hospice help for your mother. They're also very helpful tor family members

We can fill in some blanks. Like easy to make, easy to swallow foods, foot
care, preventative things to do (or not) if neuropathy can be an issue.
Other topics, as required.

It takes a team to help your mother. We can help you with that.
J

"J" <nswex@nalid;non> wrote in message
news:47A3C7E1.5CEE7575@execulink.com...
.....
> Ask her to make an appointment with the oncologist so you two can go
> together.
> If you think it's better, call the oncologist and go on your own.
> Take a pad of paper, so you can ask some questions and write the answers
> down.
>
> My questions would be:
> ....

Some of these questions may require you to have written permission from the
patient for the doctor to answer them.
bj

On Feb 1, 8:31*pm, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> Irishgirl wrote:
> > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> > with her or let her just rest? *They have given her a 33% survival
> > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> > from chemo and not be able to help her. *I am not handling this well,
>
> Since you live nearby, I would suggest that you call and ask her if you
> can go see her.
> Ask her favorite flavor of ice cream and take a straw (in case she needs
> it less cold and more fluid).
> Take some oil or cream and give her a footrub while you talk.
> Ask her to make an appointment with the oncologist so you two can go
> together.
> If you think it's better, call the oncologist and go on your own.
> Take a pad of paper, so you can ask some questions and write the answers
> down.
>
> My questions would be:
> 1) how many treatments are you giving her? *What's the name of her chemo?
> 2) What are the usual side effects ?
> 3) Where else may the cancer spread?
> 4) What is her prognosis (your best estimate) ?
> 5) Do we need a letter from you to involve hospice help at home for my
> mother?
> 6) Is there a group which meets at this center/hospital that I can go to,
> in order to ask their experiences with hospices in our area? *If so, where
> and what time? *If not, who else should I ask?
>
> Once you have the answers, you can get started on searching for home
> hospice help for your mother. They're also very helpful tor family members
>
> We can fill in some blanks. Like easy to make, easy to swallow foods, foot
> care, preventative things to do (or not) if neuropathy can be an issue.
> Other topics, as required.
>
> It takes a team to help your mother. We can help you with that.
> J


J
Thank you so much for the advise, I had not even thought about
hospice, I have been so upset I could not think straight. I am afraid
I could not handle the words from the oncologist, but I will ask to go
with her next time. I have to be strong, for her...I am going to see
her tomarrow, she loves ice cream and she has not been eating much
solids as the cancer is in her throat also. Thank you for helping get
my mind together. I need help to help her.

Thanks again if you think of anything else, keep me informed. I know
this is so hard for her, and I am struggleing also.
Irishgirl

Mom is 68 years old, she was first diagnosed with breast cancer last
summer and had surgery to remove the growth. All reports was positive
until November she started having a hard time breathing and they sent
her to a lung specialist which discovered the cancer had spread to her
lungs and throat. She is at home only 2 miles from me. Thank you for
responding, I am just having a hard time accepting this

Irishgirl

I can understand it being a shock to you. Cancer does that. I would try to
see your mother as often as you can. Remember your mother is still your
mother and needs your love and support. Cancer can be isolating and now is
the time to be there for your mom. ( I am also a cancer survivor). Can you
help with meals? Do you take her to chemo and stay with her. I can tell you
as a patient the longest hours are the ones where you sit and wait. It is so
wonderful to have you family there for support and help kill the time.

My mom had lung cancer that she died from. She was a bit older than your
mom, 79 almost 80. My kids were school age and I worked, but I tried to
spend as much time with her as I could. Does your mom have a social worker?
They can help you adjust and find support so you can cope. I have 2
sisters, one sister spent some time with my Mom the other one couldn't cope.
She is still having issues around guilt. My point is that you don't want to
live with regret.

Remember this is about your mom , not you. Of course it is hard to cope with
a cancer diagnosis of a loved one, but it is even harder for the patient to
accept this.

You will be in my thoughts. And best luck with your Mom.

"Irishgirl" <LSCARTER08@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:db1c159d-1dab-4dd9-bd79-40cbd5c58931@i12g2000prf.googlegroups.com...
On Feb 1, 8:31 pm, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> Irishgirl wrote:
> > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to be
> > with her or let her just rest? They have given her a 33% survival
> > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and sicker
> > from chemo and not be able to help her. I am not handling this well,
>
> Since you live nearby, I would suggest that you call and ask her if you
> can go see her.
> Ask her favorite flavor of ice cream and take a straw (in case she needs
> it less cold and more fluid).
> Take some oil or cream and give her a footrub while you talk.
> Ask her to make an appointment with the oncologist so you two can go
> together.
> If you think it's better, call the oncologist and go on your own.
> Take a pad of paper, so you can ask some questions and write the answers
> down.
>
> My questions would be:
> 1) how many treatments are you giving her? What's the name of her chemo?
> 2) What are the usual side effects ?
> 3) Where else may the cancer spread?
> 4) What is her prognosis (your best estimate) ?
> 5) Do we need a letter from you to involve hospice help at home for my
> mother?
> 6) Is there a group which meets at this center/hospital that I can go to,
> in order to ask their experiences with hospices in our area? If so, where
> and what time? If not, who else should I ask?
>
> Once you have the answers, you can get started on searching for home
> hospice help for your mother. They're also very helpful tor family members
>
> We can fill in some blanks. Like easy to make, easy to swallow foods, foot
> care, preventative things to do (or not) if neuropathy can be an issue.
> Other topics, as required.
>
> It takes a team to help your mother. We can help you with that.
> J


J
Thank you so much for the advise, I had not even thought about
hospice, I have been so upset I could not think straight. I am afraid
I could not handle the words from the oncologist, but I will ask to go
with her next time. I have to be strong, for her...I am going to see
her tomarrow, she loves ice cream and she has not been eating much
solids as the cancer is in her throat also. Thank you for helping get
my mind together. I need help to help her.

Thanks again if you think of anything else, keep me informed. I know
this is so hard for her, and I am struggleing also.
Irishgirl

Hi Irishgirl,
Cancer is a frienghtining illness,not only for the one that
has it, but also for the ones that have to watch their loved ones suffer.
I have terminal lung cancer and have lived with my cancer for over eight
years now although my time remaining is now drawing to a close.

As someone who has cancer , Some days I need lots of cuddles and hugs from
my family some days I wish to be left alone to rest my body and my mind but
some days I need that kick up the rear end to stop me feeling sorry for
myself and making life hard for those that are caring for me .
My advice is , talk openly to your Mum about her illness , It helps us to
talk things through rather than bottle it all up inside. Support your Mum on
her visits to the hospital and when she is with the cancer specialist . I
know how hard it is to face some of the things that we have to listen to
from the oncologist, but it has to be faced head on . It is better to face
the known facts than worry over what we are just guessing about.
Ask about possible treatments available , I have gone through three lots of
chemo therapy now and I am hoping that I will be offered a little more in
the next week or two , It can have bad side effects but it can also do a lot
of good as well . and remember! where there is life there is hope , and
remember the power of prayer.

I am a 62yrs Old guy from N Wales fighting for every new day , help your Mum
do the same .
Love and God Bless , Peter.

"Irishgirl" <LSCARTER08@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:59c8844f-b86a-447a-98fb-0a659d4c4e60@j20g2000hsi.googlegroups.com...
On Feb 1, 10:06 am, csm7...@hotmail.com wrote:
> On Feb 1, 7:06 am, Irishgirl <LSCARTE...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Feb 1, 8:07 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
>
> > > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > > On Jan 31, 4:30 am, J <nswex@nalid;non> wrote:
> > > > > Irishgirl wrote:
> > > > > > How do you know the right thing to say? How do you know when to
> > > > > > be
> > > > > > with her or let her just rest? They have given her a 33%
> > > > > > survival
> > > > > > rate. What dose that mean? How do I watch her get sicker and
> > > > > > sicker
> > > > > > from chemo and not be able to help her. I am not handling this
> > > > > > well,
> > > > > > I am scared, angry full of age and most of all terrible sad.
> > > > > > This is
> > > > > > the worst thing I have ever experince. I pray for strength and
> > > > > > guidence, I know she needs me to be strong. I just want to
> > > > > > scream......Any advise please
>
> > > > Mom is 68 years old, she was first diagnosed with breast cancer last
> > > > summer and had surgery to remove the growth. All reports was
> > > > positive
> > > > until November she started having a hard time breathing and they
> > > > sent
> > > > her to a lung specialist which discovered the cancer had spread to
> > > > her
> > > > lungs and throat. She is at home only 2 miles from me. Thank you for
> > > > responding, I am just having a hard time accepting this
>
> > > > Irishgirl
>
> > > Hello,
> > > I feel badly for you and your mother.
> > > This was years ago, but my mother died 2 weeks after her lung cancer
> > > diagnosis. She was in hospital for ~6 weeks and it took some time to
> > > find
> > > the cause of her ongoing pneumonia. Same age as your mother. They
> > > (relatives) withheld the info from me, probably because I had a trip
> > > (holiday) planned to go visit them, a month or so later, on the other
> > > coast
> > > and I suppose were hoping she'd live long enough for me to see her. It
> > > didn't
> > > happen, so it's a blessing that you live nearby.
>
> > > Sounds to me that your mother's cancer had already spread when she was
> > > diagnosed. (but perhaps the other tumors could not be seen, at that
> > > time, on
> > > scans).
>
> > > You do need to be strong and keep toxic people (and behaviors and
> > > habits) far
> > > away from you and your mother.
> > > (I saw your post elsewhere).
> > > Are there others nearby, you can rely on to lean on, support you ?
>
> > > J - will watch for your followup- Hide quoted text -
>
> > > - Show quoted text -
>
> > Thank you so much, please keep us in your prayers. I am not ready to
> > let her go.
> > irishgirl
>
> Know that you're in the thoughts and prayers of many here, whether
> they post directly about it or not.
>
> ---
> CSM- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

Thank you so much, I do beleive in the power of prayer.
Irishgirl

Irishgirl, I have 4th stage cancer and doctors tell me I will not be here 5
years from now.
I didn't have the courage to ask exactly when my last days will be (1 year?
maybe 2?)
However, I go through the chemo for four days every 3 weeks, hoping the
cancer will
go into remission (surgery is our of the question, cancer has spread to
far).
I'm about to start my 8th chemo treatment. My doctor tells me most don't
make 4 treatments.
You have to stay strong and keep a positive attitude.
Though before my cancer was discovered I wouldn't have believed that prayer
helps,
now I'm a firm believer. When my chemo side effects hit me hardest I pray,
read the bible and read inspirational books.
Right now I'm reading two inspirational books:
1)The Cure Within: A History of Mind-Body Medicine
2)The Devine Matrix

I've just started reading The Cure Within, however I can tell you the Devine
Matrix
is a very good book.

I've learned a lot since my chemo treatments started, and found that eating
good foods
is also very important to stay strong. Just ask if you need any advise.

I pray every day. Your mom will be in my prayers.

Irishgirl wrote:

> On Feb 1, 8:31 pm,
> Thank you so much for the advise, I had not even thought about
> hospice, I have been so upset I could not think straight. I am afraid
> I could not handle the words from the oncologist, but I will ask to go
> with her next time. I have to be strong, for her...I am going to see
> her tomarrow, she loves ice cream and she has not been eating much
> solids as the cancer is in her throat also. Thank you for helping get
> my mind together. I need help to help her.
>
> Thanks again if you think of anything else, keep me informed. I know
> this is so hard for her, and I am struggleing also.
> Irishgirl

Hello Irishgirl,
How did things go for both of you this weekend ?
J