Hainan wrote:
> Thx to the group
> (special thanks to J but also here: special thanks to everybody who is
> there)
> we found out there is these specialized people
> that are used to help father dealing with his uncurable cancer.
>
> We contacted the people and they say:
> we can only help if your father let us in.
>
> So we (I admit kinda pushed) told father what we thaught was "the good
> news" and father says: no need for those people to come...
> Again, no reason given (father takes out his hearing aid: end of
> discussion...)
>
> What do I do now?
Take it one step at a time.
You've collected information about hospice and presented it to him.
Does he know one goes to his home?
Is it covered by the healthcare system, in his country or are there costs?
If there's costs, does he have insurance or money (to cover the costs)?
We don't know what is in his mind.
His affairs should be put in order.
That means collecting his bank account information (accounts and account
balances).
His life insurance policies (and the value).
Is the home paid up? Or a mortgage? If so, where's the information?
Does he have a will? If so, where's a copy or who to contact? (lawyer who
has a copy)
His end of life care wishes There's a form here, that you or your mother
could use as a guideline, to discuss his wishes
http://www.agingwithdignity.org/5wishes.html
(there could be a form specific for his country, but the above one is a
start for discussing.. I think it's only $5. US). Your mother could ask
at a local hospital or doctor's if your country has such a form.
has he made arrangements for his care with a friend? If so, who, contact
information.
Is he still considering treatment? If so, which doctor, contact
information.
Does he have prepaid funeral and internment? Are these wishes written on
paper?
Other questions to ask him?
Who do we call if you start bleeding?
Who do we call if you have breathing problems or severe pain?
Do you want us to send you to hospital?
Have you made plans to end your life yourself? If so, will you leave us
instructions on where to find you?
Please do not answer these questions here, Hainan.
These are questions that I think your mother (or adult sibling) have to
sit down with him and talk with him about. Not all at the same time. It's
too much.
Start gathering information; put in file folders, and tell him that you
want him to be pain free and cared for.
A family member (or a close friend of his) will discuss these things with
him and take notes of his wishes and help him with the paperwork.
If he refuses, continualy, there's only so much anyone can do.
But have your mother (or someone nearby), continue trying, from time to
time, when his hearing aid is in.
(I say "nearby" because it's usually better to discuss these things, in
quiet, private places, when he's receptive to discussing some.
J
What to do: Hospice-palliatic care: father says no? 
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