down today

I feel pretty good most of the time now. There are times when I get
triggered a little and I can feel that deep lonely pain but I can deal with
that most of the time. It's days like today where it hits me out of the
blue. I just wake up feeling completely awful for no reason and it's like
this clawing darkness I can't escape from, no matter how much I focus on my
son's beautiful smiles, his joy at throwing a ball. I find it difficult to
not just curl up in the bathroom and cry. I want to slip into old habits
where cutting was the way out. I don't do that anymore. I haven't done that
in years. But I still want to sometimes. It's like smoking. I still crave
cigarettes sometimes and this ache for cutting is exactly the same type of
feeling.

Instead I told my husband I was feeling shitty and in a little while when my
son wakes from his nap I'll take him to a playdate at a park and I'll watch
him run around and enjoy the other children and maybe some of that joy will
rub off on me.

It's weird to be depressed yet hopeful.

rj

"Rebecca Jo" <rebeccajodreams@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:4qetpbFmnchfU1@individual.net...
>I feel pretty good most of the time now. There are times when I get
>triggered a little and I can feel that deep lonely pain but I can deal with
>that most of the time. It's days like today where it hits me out of the
>blue. I just wake up feeling completely awful for no reason and it's like
>this clawing darkness I can't escape from, no matter how much I focus on my
>son's beautiful smiles, his joy at throwing a ball. I find it difficult to
>not just curl up in the bathroom and cry. I want to slip into old habits
>where cutting was the way out. I don't do that anymore. I haven't done that
>in years. But I still want to sometimes. It's like smoking. I still crave
>cigarettes sometimes and this ache for cutting is exactly the same type of
>feeling.
>
> Instead I told my husband I was feeling shitty and in a little while when
> my son wakes from his nap I'll take him to a playdate at a park and I'll
> watch him run around and enjoy the other children and maybe some of that
> joy will rub off on me.
>
> It's weird to be depressed yet hopeful.

i'm sorry you are having such a down day, rj...i hope it improves with the
sunshine and the trip to the park.

*hugs*

~cindy

"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote:

> i'm sorry you are having such a down day, rj...i hope it improves with the
> sunshine and the trip to the park.
>
> *hugs*
>
> ~cindy

Thank you.

rj

"Rebecca Jo" <rebeccajodreams@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:4qetpbFmnchfU1@individual.net...
>I feel pretty good most of the time now. There are times when I get
>triggered a little and I can feel that deep lonely pain but I can deal with
>that most of the time. It's days like today where it hits me out of the
>blue. I just wake up feeling completely awful for no reason and it's like
>this clawing darkness I can't escape from, no matter how much I focus on my
>son's beautiful smiles, his joy at throwing a ball. I find it difficult to
>not just curl up in the bathroom and cry. I want to slip into old habits
>where cutting was the way out. I don't do that anymore. I haven't done that
>in years. But I still want to sometimes. It's like smoking. I still crave
>cigarettes sometimes and this ache for cutting is exactly the same type of
>feeling.
>
> Instead I told my husband I was feeling shitty and in a little while when
> my son wakes from his nap I'll take him to a playdate at a park and I'll
> watch him run around and enjoy the other children and maybe some of that
> joy will rub off on me.
>
> It's weird to be depressed yet hopeful.
>
> rj


Hi RJ, I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this.

If not, my email is always open to you.

I hope you and Alexander had fun at the park



Kylie

"mighty mouse" <kye_99@NOSPAMyahoo.com> wrote:

> Hi RJ, I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this.

Thank you, I am.

> If not, my email is always open to you.
>
> I hope you and Alexander had fun at the park

It was nice. (((Kylie)))

> Kylie

rj