I feel unwanted and I wish I were never born.

The subject line sums it up. I feel beneath most everyone. When I speak,
either no one listens, or I'm ridiculed and told to be quiet. I have no
friends. When I visit my family they are excited the first day I'm there and
then they're bored with me and I'm left at home while they go out to do what
makes them happy. I don't feel important, smart or desirable. The world is
chaotic and out of control. The powerful are out-of-reach and beyond
justice. People have become submissive to their goverment, blind and
unwilling to fight against injustice. The whole rise in gasoline prices was
just a scheme to bring a large profit to oil companies, in my theory. I bet
you think I'm stupid for saying that, don't you? It doesn't matter. I wish I
were never born. When I visit home this time, I know where the gun is kept.
I have been imagining putting the barrel in my mouth and pulling the
trigger. I don't want to fight anymore, either. I want to not exist.

"Chopstick Head" <bite@mybuns.com> wrote in message
news:SwEVg.5995$Y24.5045@newsread4.news.pas.earthl ink.net...
> The subject line sums it up. I feel beneath most everyone. When I speak,
> either no one listens, or I'm ridiculed and told to be quiet. I have no
> friends. When I visit my family they are excited the first day I'm there
and
> then they're bored with me and I'm left at home while they go out to do
what
> makes them happy. I don't feel important, smart or desirable. The world is
> chaotic and out of control. The powerful are out-of-reach and beyond
> justice. People have become submissive to their goverment, blind and
> unwilling to fight against injustice. The whole rise in gasoline prices
was
> just a scheme to bring a large profit to oil companies, in my theory. I
bet
> you think I'm stupid for saying that, don't you? It doesn't matter. I wish
I
> were never born. When I visit home this time, I know where the gun is
kept.
> I have been imagining putting the barrel in my mouth and pulling the
> trigger. I don't want to fight anymore, either. I want to not exist.
>
>


oh good , lucky you , i'm sick

Chopstick Head wrote:
> The subject line sums it up. I feel beneath most everyone. When I speak,
> either no one listens, or I'm ridiculed and told to be quiet. I have no
> friends. When I visit my family they are excited the first day I'm there and
> then they're bored with me and I'm left at home while they go out to do what
> makes them happy. I don't feel important, smart or desirable. The world is
> chaotic and out of control. The powerful are out-of-reach and beyond
> justice. People have become submissive to their goverment, blind and
> unwilling to fight against injustice. The whole rise in gasoline prices was
> just a scheme to bring a large profit to oil companies, in my theory. I bet
> you think I'm stupid for saying that, don't you? It doesn't matter. I wish I
> were never born. When I visit home this time, I know where the gun is kept.
> I have been imagining putting the barrel in my mouth and pulling the
> trigger. I don't want to fight anymore, either. I want to not exist.

It's like you stole all that stuff right out of my head. Cept I was
thinking of the temple not the mouth. But I don't want to die. I just
want to get rid of all the defects. As in "out out damn spot".

When one shoots oneself one always leaves a spot or two.

"boutshka" <carollombard@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1160189725.679835.124750@m7g2000cwm.googlegro ups.com...
>
> Chopstick Head wrote:
>> The subject line sums it up. I feel beneath most everyone. When I
>> speak,
>> either no one listens, or I'm ridiculed and told to be quiet. I
>> have no
>> friends. When I visit my family they are excited the first day I'm
>> there and
>> then they're bored with me and I'm left at home while they go out
>> to do what
>> makes them happy. I don't feel important, smart or desirable. The
>> world is
>> chaotic and out of control. The powerful are out-of-reach and
>> beyond
>> justice. People have become submissive to their goverment, blind
>> and
>> unwilling to fight against injustice. The whole rise in gasoline
>> prices was
>> just a scheme to bring a large profit to oil companies, in my
>> theory. I bet
>> you think I'm stupid for saying that, don't you? It doesn't matter.
>> I wish I
>> were never born. When I visit home this time, I know where the gun
>> is kept.
>> I have been imagining putting the barrel in my mouth and pulling
>> the
>> trigger. I don't want to fight anymore, either. I want to not
>> exist.
>
> It's like you stole all that stuff right out of my head. Cept I was
> thinking of the temple not the mouth. But I don't want to die. I
> just
> want to get rid of all the defects. As in "out out damn spot".
>
> When one shoots oneself one always leaves a spot or two.

I hope you will both make appointments to see a psychiatrist, and work
to find a solution for your depression. Depression can be fought and
beaten, but you have to make the effort.

--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.

Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/

=====

% wrote:
> "boutshka" <carollombard@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1160196448.848983.275440@i3g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...
> >
> > % wrote:
> > > "boutshka" <carollombard@gmail.com> wrote in message
> > > news:1160189725.679835.124750@m7g2000cwm.googlegro ups.com...
> > > >
> > > > Chopstick Head wrote:
> > > > > The subject line sums it up. I feel beneath most everyone. When I
> speak,
> > > > > either no one listens, or I'm ridiculed and told to be quiet. I have
> no
> > > > > friends. When I visit my family they are excited the first day I'm
> there
> > > and
> > > > > then they're bored with me and I'm left at home while they go out to
> do
> > > what
> > > > > makes them happy. I don't feel important, smart or desirable. The
> world
> > > is
> > > > > chaotic and out of control. The powerful are out-of-reach and beyond
> > > > > justice. People have become submissive to their goverment, blind and
> > > > > unwilling to fight against injustice. The whole rise in gasoline
> prices
> > > was
> > > > > just a scheme to bring a large profit to oil companies, in my
> theory. I
> > > bet
> > > > > you think I'm stupid for saying that, don't you? It doesn't matter.
> I
> > > wish I
> > > > > were never born. When I visit home this time, I know where the gun
> is
> > > kept.
> > > > > I have been imagining putting the barrel in my mouth and pulling the
> > > > > trigger. I don't want to fight anymore, either. I want to not exist.
> > > >
> > > > It's like you stole all that stuff right out of my head. Cept I was
> > > > thinking of the temple not the mouth. But I don't want to die. I
> just
> > > > want to get rid of all the defects. As in "out out damn spot".
> > > >
> > > > When one shoots oneself one always leaves a spot or two.
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> > > what does two do
> >
> > When two shoots twoselves, that would be murder-suicide. Lots of
> > spots.
> >
>
>
> well , ' one " wouldn't want that , but maybe three might

boy-o-boy, you're quick on the draw, i mean the riposte (i don't know
what that means).

If there were three, I would change it to a double homicide with blood
splashed all over the walls and floor. (in my spare time time i am a
detective.)

"boutshka" <carollombard@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1160196886.849667.30040@k70g2000cwa.googlegro ups.com...
>
> % wrote:
> > "boutshka" <carollombard@gmail.com> wrote in message
> > news:1160196448.848983.275440@i3g2000cwc.googlegro ups.com...
> > >
> > > % wrote:
> > > > "boutshka" <carollombard@gmail.com> wrote in message
> > > > news:1160189725.679835.124750@m7g2000cwm.googlegro ups.com...
> > > > >
> > > > > Chopstick Head wrote:
> > > > > > The subject line sums it up. I feel beneath most everyone. When
I
> > speak,
> > > > > > either no one listens, or I'm ridiculed and told to be quiet. I
have
> > no
> > > > > > friends. When I visit my family they are excited the first day
I'm
> > there
> > > > and
> > > > > > then they're bored with me and I'm left at home while they go
out to
> > do
> > > > what
> > > > > > makes them happy. I don't feel important, smart or desirable.
The
> > world
> > > > is
> > > > > > chaotic and out of control. The powerful are out-of-reach and
beyond
> > > > > > justice. People have become submissive to their goverment, blind
and
> > > > > > unwilling to fight against injustice. The whole rise in gasoline
> > prices
> > > > was
> > > > > > just a scheme to bring a large profit to oil companies, in my
> > theory. I
> > > > bet
> > > > > > you think I'm stupid for saying that, don't you? It doesn't
matter.
> > I
> > > > wish I
> > > > > > were never born. When I visit home this time, I know where the
gun
> > is
> > > > kept.
> > > > > > I have been imagining putting the barrel in my mouth and pulling
the
> > > > > > trigger. I don't want to fight anymore, either. I want to not
exist.
> > > > >
> > > > > It's like you stole all that stuff right out of my head. Cept I
was
> > > > > thinking of the temple not the mouth. But I don't want to die. I
> > just
> > > > > want to get rid of all the defects. As in "out out damn spot".
> > > > >
> > > > > When one shoots oneself one always leaves a spot or two.
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > what does two do
> > >
> > > When two shoots twoselves, that would be murder-suicide. Lots of
> > > spots.
> > >
> >
> >
> > well , ' one " wouldn't want that , but maybe three might
>
> boy-o-boy, you're quick on the draw, i mean the riposte (i don't know
> what that means).
>
> If there were three, I would change it to a double homicide with blood
> splashed all over the walls and floor. (in my spare time time i am a
> detective.)
>


four he's a jolly good fellow

Are you trying to be funny or have you lost your goddamn mind? There are
other, less messy ways to bring about an end. I can get what I need in time.

> It's like you stole all that stuff right out of my head. Cept I was
> thinking of the temple not the mouth. But I don't want to die. I just
> want to get rid of all the defects. As in "out out damn spot".
>
> When one shoots oneself one always leaves a spot or two.
>

Hm, the sister of my girlfriend recently also had a stillborn. She cried for
weeks, months, and even a year later she still brings it up, and often. I
went to the funeral, but there's little I can do to comfort her or anyone
else for that matter.
I don't believe there is a God. Religion is a tool to control the witless
masses. I suppose even so, there could be a God, but I have no faith
regardless. If Jesus is real, he is the only worthwhile role model, but I
could never live up to those expectations. Life is too unfair and I am too
bitter and disgusted with the way things are. The thoughts in my head get
darker and darker as the years go by. Once upon a time I was pure of
thought, and now... I may as well be a demon. I deserve to die.


>I have often had these same exact thoughts, strange isn't it? I suspect
> a lot of people actually have. When my son was stillborn, I actually did
> put the barrel to my temple. I screamed and wailed and cried. No one
> heard me, no one could understand that pain. I figured any physical pain
> had to be better than what was going on inside....Funny, as I write this
> I think I may have found the answer to a life long mystery. My brother
> chose the temple as well, and no one ever really knew why. All that
> really happened, I suppose, is that he passed his pain along to others.
> Nothing good can come from suicide- you go to hell and everyone who
> loves you feels like their living in it.
> Depression comes over me like a massive wave sucking me out into the
> ocean. Some days all I can do is hide in bed and wait for the good days
> to come back. And when they do, they ALWAYS do, I load up on the good
> stuff: church, God, my Christian cds, and a whole lot of "Welcome to
> Wherever You Are".
> I think we just have to give ourselves a break and accept that this is
> all chemical. I want to save the world too. I get annoyed at being
> ripped off at the pump too. But the other day I was driving around with
> a chocolate cake in my backseat (a gift from a friend, just what a 300
> pound woman needs!) when I drove past a homeless man walking in the
> rain, using a plastic bag for protection. I gave him the cake and an
> umbrella...he wasn't the whole world, but maybe lots of cars had driven
> past him without seeing him...I don't know.
> The point is, if those of us who feel invisible can't help our own kind,
> who are we to complain?
> There are a lot of people who feel invisible most of the time- children,
> the elderly, the sick, the unattractive- when was the last time you
> looked any one of these people in the eye and smiled?
> Use your life, don't waste it.
>

"Chopstick Head" <bite@mybuns.com> wrote in message
news:9ULVg.6079$Y24.3745@newsread4.news.pas.earthl ink.net...

> I don't believe there is a God. Religion is a tool to control the witless
> masses. I suppose even so, there could be a God, but I have no faith
> regardless. If Jesus is real, he is the only worthwhile role model, but I
> could never live up to those expectations. Life is too unfair and I am too
> bitter and disgusted with the way things are. The thoughts in my head get
> darker and darker as the years go by. Once upon a time I was pure of
> thought, and now... I may as well be a demon. I deserve to die.

Your thoughts may be but not you. You are not dark. You are not a demon.
You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts come from an illness that lies to
you. Thoughts and thought processes can be re-learned, re-organized, and
repaired with the right medication and therapy, which you clearly have not
found yet despite your years in a doctor's care, but might still if you keep
at it. You don't deserve to die. No one does. I know you feel that in a
very real way but right now your perspective is too skewed to trust and it
should not be making your decisions for you. Besides, if you *really*
believed that you wouldn't have reached out to a newsgroup for help, yet you
did, which tells me that some part of you deep inside is still fighting to
hold on. That is encouraging. I dearly hope you will hold on to that part
of you that is struggling to survive and use it to get yourself the help you
need. While you do that stay here for awhile and get to know us. Talk to
us. It may only be words on a screen but real people are typing them.
People who have felt what you're feeling and have survived it. You're not
alone. Welcome to the group. :-)

--
Rhi