I think I screwed up again

[mighty mouse]

I was in pain over the weekend, and I didn't sleep well or at the right
times. I got almost no sleep Sunday night.

I called in sick today and went to my chiropractor and then came home and
got a couple of hours sleep.

I won't get in trouble for not going to work. My employer is really good
like that, but I've taken advantage of it. I should have been there. All I
did today was reinforce the belief that when the going gets tough, take the
easy way out, don't go to work and potentially sabotage myself and risk
losing my job.

I needed the massage and I needed the sleep, but all I feel is angry and
disappointed in myself. I was doing well too, I hadn't taken any time off
for a while now and I thought maybe I was doing a little better at not
giving in to temptation and actually making myself do things that are
important and necessary, even when I don't feel like it.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I think I took a big step
backwards today.

And I don't know how to stop myself doing the same thing again and again.

I have an agreement with my therapist that I won't risk my job like this.
Now I guess I should call and confess. Not something I'm looking forward
to.

[Boo!shka]

mighty mouse wrote:
> I was in pain over the weekend, and I didn't sleep well or at the right
> times. I got almost no sleep Sunday night.
>
> I called in sick today and went to my chiropractor and then came home and
> got a couple of hours sleep.
>
> I won't get in trouble for not going to work. My employer is really good
> like that, but I've taken advantage of it. I should have been there. All I
> did today was reinforce the belief that when the going gets tough, take the
> easy way out, don't go to work and potentially sabotage myself and risk
> losing my job.
>
> I needed the massage and I needed the sleep, but all I feel is angry and
> disappointed in myself. I was doing well too, I hadn't taken any time off
> for a while now and I thought maybe I was doing a little better at not
> giving in to temptation and actually making myself do things that are
> important and necessary, even when I don't feel like it.
>
> I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I think I took a big step
> backwards today.
>
> And I don't know how to stop myself doing the same thing again and again.
>
> I have an agreement with my therapist that I won't risk my job like this.
> Now I guess I should call and confess. Not something I'm looking forward
> to.

How about beating yourself to the punch by setting up a massage for
Saturday, helping to give you some relaxation for your weekend and
pre-empting the urge to so it on Monday.

[mighty mouse]

"Boo!shka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] oups.com...
>
> mighty mouse wrote:
>
> How about beating yourself to the punch by setting up a massage for
> Saturday, helping to give you some relaxation for your weekend and
> pre-empting the urge to so it on Monday.


The massage was for pain relief (sore muscles caused by bad posture and
tensing due to anxiety). Unfortunately I don't really get any lasting
relaxation from it. I didn't not go to work today because I was horribly
sore, it was because I was tired and I didn't have the willpower to force
myself. I enjoy my work, I do, but I'm so tired all the time that any time
I'm a bit off colour and can find a way to justify not going I take it, and
then I hate myself for doing something so stupid.

I need to do something like that, something caring and nurturing. But I've
spent every weekend for the past month in bed 99% of the time. Even if I
want to go somewhere or need to do something, I can't find the motivation to
get myself to get dressed and leave the house.

[Boo!shka]

mighty mouse wrote:
> "Boo!shka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected] oups.com...
> >
> > mighty mouse wrote:
> >
> > How about beating yourself to the punch by setting up a massage for
> > Saturday, helping to give you some relaxation for your weekend and
> > pre-empting the urge to so it on Monday.
>
>
> The massage was for pain relief (sore muscles caused by bad posture and
> tensing due to anxiety). Unfortunately I don't really get any lasting
> relaxation from it. I didn't not go to work today because I was horribly
> sore, it was because I was tired and I didn't have the willpower to force
> myself. I enjoy my work, I do, but I'm so tired all the time that any time
> I'm a bit off colour and can find a way to justify not going I take it, and
> then I hate myself for doing something so stupid.
>
> I need to do something like that, something caring and nurturing. But I've
> spent every weekend for the past month in bed 99% of the time. Even if I
> want to go somewhere or need to do something, I can't find the motivation to
> get myself to get dressed and leave the house.

Me, too. Its hard to leave my "comfort zone". I've stopped most of my
hobbies. But I have some fantasy ones now, like I'm producing "ASD!
THE MUSICAL".

Do you want to try out?

[mighty mouse]

"Boo!shka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] oups.com...
>
> mighty mouse wrote:
>> "Boo!shka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>> news:[email protected] oups.com...
>> >
>> > mighty mouse wrote:
>> >
>> I need to do something like that, something caring and nurturing. But
>> I've
>> spent every weekend for the past month in bed 99% of the time. Even if I
>> want to go somewhere or need to do something, I can't find the motivation
>> to
>> get myself to get dressed and leave the house.
>
> Me, too. Its hard to leave my "comfort zone". I've stopped most of my
> hobbies. But I have some fantasy ones now, like I'm producing "ASD!
> THE MUSICAL".
>
> Do you want to try out?


lol, if you've ever heard me sing you wouldn't ask that question. I'm known
to shatter glass

What are your script ideas?

[Boo!shka]

mighty mouse wrote:
> "Boo!shka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected] oups.com...
> >
> > mighty mouse wrote:
> >> "Boo!shka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> >> news:[email protected] oups.com...
> >> >
> >> > mighty mouse wrote:
> >> >
> >> I need to do something like that, something caring and nurturing. But
> >> I've
> >> spent every weekend for the past month in bed 99% of the time. Even if I
> >> want to go somewhere or need to do something, I can't find the motivation
> >> to
> >> get myself to get dressed and leave the house.
> >
> > Me, too. Its hard to leave my "comfort zone". I've stopped most of my
> > hobbies. But I have some fantasy ones now, like I'm producing "ASD!
> > THE MUSICAL".
> >
> > Do you want to try out?
>
>
> lol, if you've ever heard me sing you wouldn't ask that question. I'm known
> to shatter glass
>
> What are your script ideas?

I was just thinking of taking the script ideas directly from the ASD
posts.

A voice that can shatter glass could surely be worked into a musical
about the depressed and forlorn.

[Whitewater]

Most days I feel the same way. Always telling myself to get to work and
regreting it the next day. Kinda makes it even harder to go in again.

mighty mouse wrote:
> I was in pain over the weekend, and I didn't sleep well or at the right
> times. I got almost no sleep Sunday night.
>
> I called in sick today and went to my chiropractor and then came home and
> got a couple of hours sleep.
>
> I won't get in trouble for not going to work. My employer is really good
> like that, but I've taken advantage of it. I should have been there. All I
> did today was reinforce the belief that when the going gets tough, take the
> easy way out, don't go to work and potentially sabotage myself and risk
> losing my job.
>
> I needed the massage and I needed the sleep, but all I feel is angry and
> disappointed in myself. I was doing well too, I hadn't taken any time off
> for a while now and I thought maybe I was doing a little better at not
> giving in to temptation and actually making myself do things that are
> important and necessary, even when I don't feel like it.
>
> I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I think I took a big step
> backwards today.
>
> And I don't know how to stop myself doing the same thing again and again.
>
> I have an agreement with my therapist that I won't risk my job like this.
> Now I guess I should call and confess. Not something I'm looking forward
> to.

[Contrarian]

mighty mouse <[email protected]> wrote:
> I was in pain over the weekend, and I didn't sleep well or at the right
> times. I got almost no sleep Sunday night.


Two issues here: 1. pain (is this being treated, or even
acknowledged) and 2. (sleep deficit/off phase sleep)

I used to be up very late every Sunday after sleeping
until 3:00 p.m. Saturday. So Mondays were always...
a challenge.

> And I don't know how to stop myself doing the same thing again and again.

Which feeds into the demoralization and self-hate. I know
all about this. Rather more recently, any little thing would
knock me out, and I was working in a flex-time job, and
used that to the maximum. What really did it for me was
when the rules were change, I followed the new stricter
rules... almost.

> I have an agreement with my therapist that I won't risk my job like
> this.
> Now I guess I should call and confess. Not something I'm looking forward
> to.

I'd be grateful the therapist is even able to discuss
these issues.

Progress, not perfection, as some ppl say... although
without some subjective experience of progress, that
can sound really callous. I've been there.

I looked for years for something to break the
cycle on weekends. I don't have any suggestions,
even tentative ones for ppl in .au I wish I did.

[used2be]

i'm sorry you had such a bad day, kylie. please don't be so hard on
yourself.

*hugs*

~cindy

[Brianversion]

mighty mouse wrote:
> I was in pain over the weekend, and I didn't sleep well or at the right
> times. I got almost no sleep Sunday night.
>
> I called in sick today and went to my chiropractor and then came home and
> got a couple of hours sleep.
>
> I won't get in trouble for not going to work. My employer is really good
> like that, but I've taken advantage of it. I should have been there. All I
> did today was reinforce the belief that when the going gets tough, take the
> easy way out, don't go to work and potentially sabotage myself and risk
> losing my job.
>
> I needed the massage and I needed the sleep, but all I feel is angry and
> disappointed in myself. I was doing well too, I hadn't taken any time off
> for a while now and I thought maybe I was doing a little better at not
> giving in to temptation and actually making myself do things that are
> important and necessary, even when I don't feel like it.
>
> I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I think I took a big step
> backwards today.
>
> And I don't know how to stop myself doing the same thing again and again.
>
> I have an agreement with my therapist that I won't risk my job like this.
> Now I guess I should call and confess. Not something I'm looking forward
> to.

I can totally identify with all you say here. I used to do it, call in
sick...then worry all the day if I still had a job, if all the fellow
employees hated me, and I couldn't find any relief. I also couldn't
figure out if I was really sick, or if I was just sandbagging it. I
think the problem was that I was depressed. Then by ten a.m. the next
day, usually, I'd feel good that I showed up on Tuesday and still had a
job. And then Tuesday night I'd feel great that all was forgiven, me
forgiving myself, and apparently the company forgiving me. I'm sure
tomorrow will be better. Thanks for posting, very honest feelings, you
aren't alone.

[Contrarian]

Brianversion <[email protected]> wrote:

> I can totally identify with all you say here. I used to do it, call in
> sick...then worry all the day if I still had a job, if all the fellow
> employees hated me, and I couldn't find any relief. I also couldn't
> figure out if I was really sick, or if I was just sandbagging it.

that is one of the *worst* parts of it. not being sure.
I don't like that even now, even when I'm not working.




--
Breaking news: http://lazerbrody.typepad.com July 24/25 especially

[mighty mouse]

"Contrarian" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:lBNYg.6536$[email protected] erio.net...
> mighty mouse <[email protected]> wrote:
>> I was in pain over the weekend, and I didn't sleep well or at the right
>> times. I got almost no sleep Sunday night.
>
>
> Two issues here: 1. pain (is this being treated, or even
> acknowledged) and 2. (sleep deficit/off phase sleep)
>
> I used to be up very late every Sunday after sleeping
> until 3:00 p.m. Saturday. So Mondays were always...
> a challenge.

The pain is most likely poor posture. The other possibilities are
neurological or psychological (tensing up due to anxiety). The chiropractic
treatment and the massages are probably the best couse of action at this
stage.

I screw my sleep up every weekend. I'm exhausted during the week no matter
what time I go to bed. So I sleep and I sleep and I sleep on Saturday and
Sunday, make myself feel anxious and guilty and disappointed and that, plus
the fact that I'm not tired, means Mondays are a big problem. Usually I
have the willpower to force myself to get up and go to work. Some days I
just can't do it.

>> And I don't know how to stop myself doing the same thing again and again.
>
> Which feeds into the demoralization and self-hate. I know
> all about this. Rather more recently, any little thing would
> knock me out, and I was working in a flex-time job, and
> used that to the maximum. What really did it for me was
> when the rules were change, I followed the new stricter
> rules... almost.

I'm sorry you know how it feels. I've lost several jobs over the past
couple of years due to poor sleep, poor motivation, poor attendance and poor
attitude. I try to be happy and cheerful and to show up, but I'm exhausted,
I can't fake it, and ultimately I take more and more days off until I quit,
am forced to resign or am fired.

>> I have an agreement with my therapist that I won't risk my job like
>> this.
>> Now I guess I should call and confess. Not something I'm looking forward
>> to.
>
> I'd be grateful the therapist is even able to discuss
> these issues.

Trying to help me keep my job is one of the issues we're working on.


> Progress, not perfection, as some ppl say... although
> without some subjective experience of progress, that
> can sound really callous. I've been there.

I thought I was starting to make progress, that's the problem. Then one bad
weekend and I'm back where I was weeks ago.

> I looked for years for something to break the
> cycle on weekends. I don't have any suggestions,
> even tentative ones for ppl in .au I wish I did.


Thanks for listening. I don't expect anyone to have any answers, I realise
we all struggle with this (or similar) at times.

[mighty mouse]

"used2be" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:_qRYg.11$[email protected]..
>
> i'm sorry you had such a bad day, kylie. please don't be so hard on
> yourself.
>
> *hugs*
>
> ~cindy


Thanks Cindy, I'm trying to be kind but it's not something I'm good at.

I hope you're feeling ok by the time you read this message.



Kylie

[mighty mouse]

"Brianversion" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] oups.com...
>
> mighty mouse wrote:
>
> I can totally identify with all you say here. I used to do it, call in
> sick...then worry all the day if I still had a job, if all the fellow
> employees hated me, and I couldn't find any relief. I also couldn't
> figure out if I was really sick, or if I was just sandbagging it. I
> think the problem was that I was depressed. Then by ten a.m. the next
> day, usually, I'd feel good that I showed up on Tuesday and still had a
> job. And then Tuesday night I'd feel great that all was forgiven, me
> forgiving myself, and apparently the company forgiving me. I'm sure
> tomorrow will be better. Thanks for posting, very honest feelings, you
> aren't alone.

You're right about questioning again and again if I really am sick or if I'm
faking it. The problem is I think I am faking, or at least overexaggerating
it.

I did go to work today, but I felt anxious and nausious and wanted to go
home. But at least I made it through the day. One step in the right
direction I guess.

[%]

hi

[mighty mouse]

"%" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] ...
> hi


hi. You're up late

[Boo!shka]

Mighty Mouse, Have you looked into the possibility of having Lyme
Disease? It includes what you describe and is hard to pin down because
the symptoms are diverse and come and go.

Of course, anxiety can do just about anything to the body and mind.
And it would stand to reason that if you have to work for five days in
a row while keeping the anxiety under control, that you would be pretty
exhausted come the weekend. Same with chronic pain.

[used2be]

"mighty mouse" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:eh27rq$cqn$[email protected]..
>
> "used2be" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:_qRYg.11$[email protected]..
>>
>> i'm sorry you had such a bad day, kylie. please don't be so hard on
>> yourself.
>>
>> *hugs*
>>
>> ~cindy
>
>
> Thanks Cindy, I'm trying to be kind but it's not something I'm good at.
>
> I hope you're feeling ok by the time you read this message.
>

i'm better today...hope you are as well.