My Wife and Her Depression

My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.

"Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1161269320.525888.315670@m73g2000cwd.googlegr oups.com...
> My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.

have you asked her to tell you why she's more and more depressed? have you
asked her how you can help her? post-partum depression isn't uncommon, but
you don't say how old your daughter is. what you're describing here sounds
more like anger at you.

Brian wrote:
> My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.
Thats the thing thats so frustrating. People have to save
themselves. All you can do is love them and cheer them on.
Don't let your wife isolate herself . Fery important!

Hey maybe there are other people with babies who live near by. Does
the hospital have any programs for new Moms.? Just getting together
with other women might help her alot.

I think Brooke Shields had this problem after her first child. I
remember I admired how she was very open about it. I think she even
wrote a book about what she did to get thru it. That might be worth
getting.

Your wife is lucky that you care enough to try to help instead of
just blaming her for not being the person you want her to be. Good
luck!! jill

cal wrote:
> "Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1161269320.525888.315670@m73g2000cwd.googlegr oups.com...
> > My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> > our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> > stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> > so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> > then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.
>
> have you asked her to tell you why she's more and more depressed? have you
> asked her how you can help her? post-partum depression isn't uncommon, but
> you don't say how old your daughter is. what you're describing here sounds
> more like anger at you.
Thats interesting cal . I didn't get that. I got that things that used
to not bother her ,now they do. which would indicate post -partum
thing. But you could be on to something. jill

cal wrote:
> "Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1161269320.525888.315670@m73g2000cwd.googlegr oups.com...
> > My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> > our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> > stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> > so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> > then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.
>
> have you asked her to tell you why she's more and more depressed? have you
> asked her how you can help her? post-partum depression isn't uncommon, but
> you don't say how old your daughter is. what you're describing here sounds
> more like anger at you.

Our daughter is almost 9 months old. I have asked her and there is no
one reason and sometimes it seems scattered. She says she needs help
around the house and I try to help. She wants more time with adults,
but she can't make friends and I don't know how to make them for her.
She is just never happy.

jill wrote:
> Brian wrote:
> > My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> > our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> > stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> > so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> > then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.
> Thats the thing thats so frustrating. People have to save
> themselves. All you can do is love them and cheer them on.
> Don't let your wife isolate herself . Fery important!
>
> Hey maybe there are other people with babies who live near by. Does
> the hospital have any programs for new Moms.? Just getting together
> with other women might help her alot.

I pay for her to go to Gymboree twice a week.. however, she hasn't made
any lasting friends yet. I'm going to pay for her to go a scrapbooking
class for $10 a month so she can get out and do a hobby on Wednesday
nights.

> I think Brooke Shields had this problem after her first child. I
> remember I admired how she was very open about it. I think she even
> wrote a book about what she did to get thru it. That might be worth
> getting.

I got her a book for Christmas about depression that she asked for. I
may give it to her early or read it myself.

> Your wife is lucky that you care enough to try to help instead of
> just blaming her for not being the person you want her to be. Good
> luck!!

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm at my wits end. Besides not working
and being a stay-at-home dad, I don't know how else to make her happy.
I would like for her to go back to work, but we don't want to put our
daughter in daycare and rightfully so she would be too tired if she had
to take care of a baby all day and go to work right when I got home.

Brian

Just an observation, but your reply rubbed me the wrong way, it could
just be me and my sensativity to controlling men...

Your answers consisted of saying "I Pay" or "I got" on three
occassions. Maybe you unconciously resent supporting her while your
out working all day and she's at home and it comes out in how you act.
Do you mention that it's "you" who is paying or supplying items, such
as a roof over her head and food in her mouth?

Maybe she doesn't feel like she's important, do you show her that she's
important?

I don't know I just lost my train of thought and excuse my spelling,
it's horrid I know.

Jane


Brian wrote:
> jill wrote:
> > Brian wrote:
> > > My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> > > our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> > > stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> > > so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> > > then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.
> > Thats the thing thats so frustrating. People have to save
> > themselves. All you can do is love them and cheer them on.
> > Don't let your wife isolate herself . Fery important!
> >
> > Hey maybe there are other people with babies who live near by. Does
> > the hospital have any programs for new Moms.? Just getting together
> > with other women might help her alot.
>
> I pay for her to go to Gymboree twice a week.. however, she hasn't made
> any lasting friends yet. I'm going to pay for her to go a scrapbooking
> class for $10 a month so she can get out and do a hobby on Wednesday
> nights.
>
> > I think Brooke Shields had this problem after her first child. I
> > remember I admired how she was very open about it. I think she even
> > wrote a book about what she did to get thru it. That might be worth
> > getting.
>
> I got her a book for Christmas about depression that she asked for. I
> may give it to her early or read it myself.
>
> > Your wife is lucky that you care enough to try to help instead of
> > just blaming her for not being the person you want her to be. Good
> > luck!!
>
> Thanks for the encouragement. I'm at my wits end. Besides not working
> and being a stay-at-home dad, I don't know how else to make her happy.
> I would like for her to go back to work, but we don't want to put our
> daughter in daycare and rightfully so she would be too tired if she had
> to take care of a baby all day and go to work right when I got home.

"Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1161271875.922013.161330@k70g2000cwa.googlegr oups.com...
> Thanks for the encouragement. I'm at my wits end. Besides not working
> and being a stay-at-home dad, I don't know how else to make her happy.
> I would like for her to go back to work, but we don't want to put our
> daughter in daycare and rightfully so she would be too tired if she had
> to take care of a baby all day and go to work right when I got home.

staying at home with a kid full time after having a job is a really hard
adjustment for a lot of people. ever try being a full-time caregiver to a
baby? for many people it's one of the most isolating, relentlessly grinding,
psychologically stressful jobs there is. from her perspective, you having a
job to go to outside the home probably looks like your chance to escape and
have a life for 8 hours a day. unless you do a lot of overtime, like so many
diligent dads, and work 12 to 16 hours a day. hell, in that case you might
as well be out there having an affair.

the good news is, this stressful time will pass as your kid gets older. the
bad news is, her resentment about the current scenario might not.

so what's the solution? i would suggest: be at the office less, be at home
more, do more housework, step in and be a full-time dad on weekends and
holidays, and be her friend as opposed to the guy whose job it is to keep
her happy. when she says she wants the company of adults, the company she's
talking about may be yours.

Jane wrote:
> Brian
>
> Just an observation, but your reply rubbed me the wrong way, it could
> just be me and my sensativity to controlling men...
>
> Your answers consisted of saying "I Pay" or "I got" on three
> occassions. Maybe you unconciously resent supporting her while your
> out working all day and she's at home and it comes out in how you act.
> Do you mention that it's "you" who is paying or supplying items, such
> as a roof over her head and food in her mouth?
>
> Maybe she doesn't feel like she's important, do you show her that she's
> important?
>
> I don't know I just lost my train of thought and excuse my spelling,
> it's horrid I know.
>
> Jane
>

It's something I need to work on. It's not that I resent the fact that
she is at home at all. I know taking care of a baby is equivalent to a
full-time job. Don't get me wrong. We have a joint bank account. What I
appropriately meant was that I sought out and paid for it with our
money. Not that it isn't her's also. Sorry for the confusion. She
understands that I provide the funds for the family. We don't ever get
in fights over money.. we did at first but we cleared that up before we
were married. It all was a simple misunderstanding.

I would say that I /try/ to show her that she is important. Maybe I
don't know the right way. She is always talking about the 'little
things'. I do the major things, apparently, but I always seems to miss
the 'little things'. Maybe I am inept, but I always thought that Men
are from Mars and Women are from Venus. We annoy each other because we
don't understand each other.

> Brian wrote:
> > jill wrote:
> > > Brian wrote:
> > > > My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> > > > our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> > > > stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> > > > so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> > > > then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.
> > > Thats the thing thats so frustrating. People have to save
> > > themselves. All you can do is love them and cheer them on.
> > > Don't let your wife isolate herself . Fery important!
> > >
> > > Hey maybe there are other people with babies who live near by. Does
> > > the hospital have any programs for new Moms.? Just getting together
> > > with other women might help her alot.
> >
> > I pay for her to go to Gymboree twice a week.. however, she hasn't made
> > any lasting friends yet. I'm going to pay for her to go a scrapbooking
> > class for $10 a month so she can get out and do a hobby on Wednesday
> > nights.
> >
> > > I think Brooke Shields had this problem after her first child. I
> > > remember I admired how she was very open about it. I think she even
> > > wrote a book about what she did to get thru it. That might be worth
> > > getting.
> >
> > I got her a book for Christmas about depression that she asked for. I
> > may give it to her early or read it myself.
> >
> > > Your wife is lucky that you care enough to try to help instead of
> > > just blaming her for not being the person you want her to be. Good
> > > luck!!
> >
> > Thanks for the encouragement. I'm at my wits end. Besides not working
> > and being a stay-at-home dad, I don't know how else to make her happy.
> > I would like for her to go back to work, but we don't want to put our
> > daughter in daycare and rightfully so she would be too tired if she had
> > to take care of a baby all day and go to work right when I got home.

cal wrote:
> "Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1161271875.922013.161330@k70g2000cwa.googlegr oups.com...
> > Thanks for the encouragement. I'm at my wits end. Besides not working
> > and being a stay-at-home dad, I don't know how else to make her happy.
> > I would like for her to go back to work, but we don't want to put our
> > daughter in daycare and rightfully so she would be too tired if she had
> > to take care of a baby all day and go to work right when I got home.
>
> staying at home with a kid full time after having a job is a really hard
> adjustment for a lot of people. ever try being a full-time caregiver to a
> baby? for many people it's one of the most isolating, relentlessly grinding,
> psychologically stressful jobs there is. from her perspective, you having a
> job to go to outside the home probably looks like your chance to escape and
> have a life for 8 hours a day. unless you do a lot of overtime, like so many
> diligent dads, and work 12 to 16 hours a day. hell, in that case you might
> as well be out there having an affair.
>
> the good news is, this stressful time will pass as your kid gets older. the
> bad news is, her resentment about the current scenario might not.
>
> so what's the solution? i would suggest: be at the office less, be at home
> more, do more housework, step in and be a full-time dad on weekends and
> holidays, and be her friend as opposed to the guy whose job it is to keep
> her happy. when she says she wants the company of adults, the company she's
> talking about may be yours.

I only work 8 hrs a day (we're not allowed overtime). I take care of
our daughter on the weekends and I have even begun to give my Wife the
ability to have her own time just relaxing while I take care of our
daughter at night. It's a compromise, meaning I don't really have time
to do anything at night either, but if it's me or my Wife's health.. I
would rather focus on that first and foremost. I don't really go
anywhere or do much without her because I know she wants me around a
lot to help out. Like you said, it's very draining to take care of a
baby all day.

"Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1161282392.494748.171640@k70g2000cwa.googlegr oups.com...
> I would say that I /try/ to show her that she is important. Maybe I
> don't know the right way. She is always talking about the 'little
> things'. I do the major things, apparently, but I always seems to miss
> the 'little things'. Maybe I am inept, but I always thought that Men
> are from Mars and Women are from Venus. We annoy each other because we
> don't understand each other.

nah. we're all from earth and we're all the same species and we've had about
a million years to figure each other out, so don't gimme that mars and venus
guff. what we don't understand is what we don't want to understand.

"Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1161282636.131259.203660@h48g2000cwc.googlegr oups.com...
> I only work 8 hrs a day (we're not allowed overtime). I take care of
> our daughter on the weekends and I have even begun to give my Wife the
> ability to have her own time just relaxing while I take care of our
> daughter at night. It's a compromise, meaning I don't really have time
> to do anything at night either, but if it's me or my Wife's health.. I
> would rather focus on that first and foremost. I don't really go
> anywhere or do much without her because I know she wants me around a
> lot to help out. Like you said, it's very draining to take care of a
> baby all day.

it's a really rough trip sometimes, that first year with the first kid.
amazing how a little tyke like that can wear two robust adults down to a
frazzle. if your wife is the type who needs to vent to remain sane, you're
going to be getting an earful now and then. times when it starts getting to
you, you might plaintively ask her to lay off, it's hard for you too and
you're doing the best you can.

Brian <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote:
> My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.


This is a recognized condition, and is treatable.
She needs to see a (medically oriented ) psychiatrist.

"Contrarian" <adrba65@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:4ZTZg.6782$lq.2821@newsread1.mlpsca01.us.to.v erio.net...
> Brian <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote:
> > My Wife has had depression for sometime now. Ever since the birth of
> > our daughter, she has been getting slowly worse and worse. She is a
> > stay-at-home mom and I work. How can I help her through her depression
> > so she gets better? It seems like I can be doing good for a while and
> > then I forget one thing and it's like a nuclear explosion of emotions.
>
>
> This is a recognized condition, and is treatable.
> She needs to see a (medically oriented ) psychiatrist.


well aren't you the reliable source as of late



>

> "Brian" <bwilkins@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1161282636.131259.203660@h48g2000cwc.googlegr oups.com...

>> I only work 8 hrs a day (we're not allowed overtime). I take care of
>> our daughter on the weekends and I have even begun to give my Wife the
>> ability to have her own time just relaxing while I take care of our
>> daughter at night. It's a compromise, meaning I don't really have time
>> to do anything at night either, but if it's me or my Wife's health.. I
>> would rather focus on that first and foremost. I don't really go
>> anywhere or do much without her because I know she wants me around a
>> lot to help out. Like you said, it's very draining to take care of a
>> baby all day.

Yet hundreds of thousands of us manage do it successfully. You know, you
and your feelings and your needs matter too Brian. If everything you have
said so far is really true, if you really are doing all you are claiming you
do, and you truly have the attitude that you have presented here, you're
already doing the best you can, and your wife is going to have to give some.
If her problem is post-partum depression, that's a problem that is bigger
than the both of you and your wife needs medical attention now. I would
start with your family doctor and ask for a recommendation to a specialist.
If the problem has more to do with the dynamics of your relationship you
might want to consider marriage counseling as well. However, if the problem
is closer to that of your spouse being a needy, demanding, angry at you over
everything type who is unwilling to compromise, then you have to decide how
important you are and shift some the focus to yourself. I have no idea
which of these problems it might be given that I don't know either of you.
Only you can decide that and which route to take, but if you aren't being
treated fairly or with the respect you deserve as a person, a spouse, and a
father, it is okay to say this is about me and my feelings too. I hope you
get the help you're searching for and that you and your family can sort this
out. It would be a shame for a rough start to set up life long unhealthy
patterns that hurt either of you. Best of luck. I'll keep you in my
thoughts.

--
Rhi