self pity, damn, damn damn

no matter how hard I work, how much I continue to fight and go through
shit I remain in this huge pit that is insurmountable to get out of.
Then throw in hard decisions to make and some that might cause some
major problems with my custody. Hard decisions period and no easy
fucking answers and no one who really understands any of it to bounce
any of it off of. Never having anything nice in life and never seeing
that change because of my ex. throw in karma and what goes around
comes around but never seeing him having to be accountable for what
he's caused and the pain he's caused not only myself but all of my
children, 2 of them his and although I KNOW that life isn't fair. I
foolishly think in the back of my mind that things might spin back
around.

not wanting to make decsions I have to make asap, tired of working and
working and working and never seeing the end of the tunnel and just
wishing for everything to just end. self destructive voices telling
me it would be so much easier to just check out. dunno

x-no-archive: yes

justpackrat wrote:
> no matter how hard I work, how much I continue to fight and go through
> shit I remain in this huge pit that is insurmountable to get out of.
> Then throw in hard decisions to make and some that might cause some
> major problems with my custody. Hard decisions period and no easy
> fucking answers and no one who really understands any of it to bounce
> any of it off of.

That in and of itself can be pretty damn overwhelming.

> Never having anything nice in life and never seeing
> that change because of my ex. throw in karma and what goes around
> comes around but never seeing him having to be accountable for what
> he's caused and the pain he's caused not only myself but all of my
> children, 2 of them his and although I KNOW that life isn't fair. I
> foolishly think in the back of my mind that things might spin back
> around.

> not wanting to make decsions I have to make asap, tired of working and
> working and working and never seeing the end of the tunnel and just
> wishing for everything to just end. self destructive voices telling
> me it would be so much easier to just check out. dunno

What kinds of things do you draw strength from? There's got to be
something where you know deep down you have strength, even it's small
and seemingly meaningless.

justpackrat <maddie_75@yahoo.com> wrote:

> Then throw in hard decisions to make and some that might cause some
> major problems with my custody. ... no one who really understands any
> of it to bounce any of it off of

that does a lot of bad stuff for me too. I wish
I had more than that to say.

Janithor wrote:
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> justpackrat wrote:
> > no matter how hard I work, how much I continue to fight and go through
> > shit I remain in this huge pit that is insurmountable to get out of.
> > Then throw in hard decisions to make and some that might cause some
> > major problems with my custody. Hard decisions period and no easy
> > fucking answers and no one who really understands any of it to bounce
> > any of it off of.
>
> That in and of itself can be pretty damn overwhelming.
>
> > Never having anything nice in life and never seeing
> > that change because of my ex. throw in karma and what goes around
> > comes around but never seeing him having to be accountable for what
> > he's caused and the pain he's caused not only myself but all of my
> > children, 2 of them his and although I KNOW that life isn't fair. I
> > foolishly think in the back of my mind that things might spin back
> > around.
>
> > not wanting to make decsions I have to make asap, tired of working and
> > working and working and never seeing the end of the tunnel and just
> > wishing for everything to just end. self destructive voices telling
> > me it would be so much easier to just check out. dunno
>
> What kinds of things do you draw strength from? There's got to be
> something where you know deep down you have strength, even it's small
> and seemingly meaningless.

I really don't know. I used to have a few people in my life that I
drew support from but that's changed. People have just moved on and
here I am. I suppose it's about time to learn to stand for myself and
not lean on the 2 or 3 friends I always have, but I really feel the
loss not having that as I once did. I have my kids, but they've grown
older and mouthier and now are a lot more work. It used to be that
despite everything in life we had each other, now it's pre-puberty time
and maybe some scars of their own that they are dealing with from my
crash last year where I all but shut down...I was right there ready to
jump, so ready and they were the few who knew how close and have the
memories of that at a young age. So what does that leave? Parents who
I owe $$$$ to from my divorce and bridges are burned there, not to
mention they never understood a complete shut down, you just don't do
that, that's not acceptable.

So here I sit in a strange city, surrounded by his family and friends,
none of which I've particularly clicked with and to be honest??
Although I don't dislike them by any means, I find them very shallow.
I guess shallow is good since it doesn't cause one to over analyze life
and they are all happier beings who don't struggle with depression like
I do. I've been informed by my bf never to mention my history of
depression, nor current struggles and NEVER NEVER mention that I've
tried to committ suicide as it will make him look bad for being
involved with someone who's not mentally right....so I have to put on
the act again that I'm okay and normal and inside I"m screaming I'm
not.

the relationship has been good and bad. All in all?? I've been
happier being in a relationship with someone who is nice and good to my
kids and have someone to share life with. OTOH, it's hard not being
able to be open or feeling free to need emotional support.

I don't know what I draw strength from, other than knowing I have to do
it, whatever it may be for the day. Be it work, or not cry when I feel
like breaking down because he wouldn't understand. I watch too much
t.v. and other than that, I just don't know. Meanwhile so much needs
to be done and I'm tired, I hurt (chronic pain problems that the pain
meds just don't touch), and I stress over my kids, worry over them and
don't know what the fuck decisions I'm going to make.

"justpackrat" <maddie_75@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1161937260.487192.199610@i42g2000cwa.googlegr oups.com...
|

|
I've been informed by my bf never to mention my history of
| depression, nor current struggles and NEVER NEVER mention that I've
| tried to committ suicide as it will make him look bad for being
| involved with someone who's not mentally right....so I have to put on
| the act again that I'm okay and normal and inside I"m screaming I'm
| not.
|


Fuck that! Why should you be putting on the dog for anybody? let alone his
parents. What about YOU? No wonder you find it hard to click with "THEM"

It really doesn't sound like self-pity to me. More like frustration,
and pretty justified. I wish I cold do more than say I am praying for
you and wishing the best for you, but there it is.

My mailbox is always open...

Bobbie

justpackrat wrote:
> no matter how hard I work, how much I continue to fight and go through
> shit I remain in this huge pit that is insurmountable to get out of.
> Then throw in hard decisions to make and some that might cause some
> major problems with my custody. Hard decisions period and no easy
> fucking answers and no one who really understands any of it to bounce
> any of it off of. Never having anything nice in life and never seeing
> that change because of my ex. throw in karma and what goes around
> comes around but never seeing him having to be accountable for what
> he's caused and the pain he's caused not only myself but all of my
> children, 2 of them his and although I KNOW that life isn't fair. I
> foolishly think in the back of my mind that things might spin back
> around.
>
> not wanting to make decsions I have to make asap, tired of working and
> working and working and never seeing the end of the tunnel and just
> wishing for everything to just end. self destructive voices telling
> me it would be so much easier to just check out. dunno

you sound beat. it sucks the way an ex can still have control over
one's life.


justpackrat wrote:
> no matter how hard I work, how much I continue to fight and go through
> shit I remain in this huge pit that is insurmountable to get out of.
> Then throw in hard decisions to make and some that might cause some
> major problems with my custody. Hard decisions period and no easy
> fucking answers and no one who really understands any of it to bounce
> any of it off of. Never having anything nice in life and never seeing
> that change because of my ex. throw in karma and what goes around
> comes around but never seeing him having to be accountable for what
> he's caused and the pain he's caused not only myself but all of my
> children, 2 of them his and although I KNOW that life isn't fair. I
> foolishly think in the back of my mind that things might spin back
> around.
>
> not wanting to make decsions I have to make asap, tired of working and
> working and working and never seeing the end of the tunnel and just
> wishing for everything to just end. self destructive voices telling
> me it would be so much easier to just check out. dunno