more from a newbie - For Alan S and Nicky

Alan S wrote in part -

>If the caregiver is responsible for the physical care -
>dosage, feeding, bathing etc, that is different. But where
>the cared-for is a capable adult with undiminished (in
>medical terms) physical and mental capacity, then that
>responsibility is theirs IMO. You can offer advice, but if
>it is not accepted, you can do little more.

I guess my question was - if the potential future caregiver can see events
moving in a troublesome direction, what then? Just wait until dosage,
feeding, bathing, is necessary and then move out? In a reciprocal
relationship, whether in marriage or some other mutually supportive
environment, as a potential caregiver I can tell you right now that I feel
there is some responsibility to speak up and do my best to prevent a serious
problem in the future.

Alan also wrote -
>Yes you have a stake - but that's why it's worth considering
>which method of achieving the aim will be most effective.

Fair enough and a good point. This does a better job of addressing my basic
question.

And Nicky wrote

>> "Riding his case pretty hard of late", especially in light of his age,
>> just doesn't seem to be supportive. Let the man live his remaining years
>> in peace.

>Jim, the guy's 71, not 91... he has (I hope) plenty of time to let all the
>opathies bite him, if he doesn't get his act together!

>I've got a great deal of sympathy for the OP, but until he wants to grow up
>and sort himself out, she's wasting her time.

I'm approaching 65 and Nicky's right, I'm looking forward to more good years
together doing the things we BOTH enjoy. And I think Nicky's a little
closer to the core of my first question.

The issue, is as Alan said, to find the most effective method of preserving
good health for us both. Do regulars to ASD truly believe that this is
"wasting my time?" As I said in my original question, I also have some long
term chronic health conditions. There's a lot a stake for both of us if
EITHER of us needs help in "dosage, feeding, and bathing."

It seems to me that more than a few people have very adroitly managed to
waltz blithely past my main question and concern.

--
A R Pickett aka Woodstock

"Sometimes the facts threaten the truth"
Amos Oz, prize winning Israeli author

Read my book reviews at:
http://www.booksnbytes.com/reviews/_...ll_byauth.html

x-no-archive: yes

A R Pickett wrote:

> The issue, is as Alan said, to find the most effective method of preserving
> good health for us both.

Do regulars to ASD truly believe that this is
> "wasting my time?" As I said in my original question, I also have some long
> term chronic health conditions. There's a lot a stake for both of us if
> EITHER of us needs help in "dosage, feeding, and bathing."
>
> It seems to me that more than a few people have very adroitly managed to
> waltz blithely past my main question and concern.
>

I think that may be because the way you describe your approach sounds
like the absolute dead last, least effective means of achieving your
goal. In order to make any headway, you're going to have to accept that
this is something over which you have zero control, though you
understandably have a very strong interest.

I struggle with supportive nudging and outright pissed offedness when my
husband struggles back and forth with smoking. I've never found that
emphasizing my stake in his life motivates him. He wants to be
healthier, has quit and backslid more than once, and as a former smoker,
I know what a struggle it is. So I express my interest less often, with
less self interest, and with more sympathy and reminders of how much
better he feels when he quits and deals with stress in healthier ways.

You can't browbeat someone into good health, but you can support *his*
efforts if and when he chooses to make them.

Susan

On Fri, 27 Oct 2006 22:59:41 GMT, "A R Pickett"
<WOODeSTOCK_AP@PReODIGeY.NET> wrote:

>
>I'm approaching 65 and Nicky's right, I'm looking forward to more good years
>together doing the things we BOTH enjoy. And I think Nicky's a little
>closer to the core of my first question.
>
>The issue, is as Alan said, to find the most effective method of preserving
>good health for us both. Do regulars to ASD truly believe that this is
>"wasting my time?" As I said in my original question, I also have some long
>term chronic health conditions. There's a lot a stake for both of us if
>EITHER of us needs help in "dosage, feeding, and bathing."
>
>It seems to me that more than a few people have very adroitly managed to
>waltz blithely past my main question and concern.


Hi, Woodstock

When I first read your situation, I thought of my parents
relationship. My mother is gone now, and my dad carries on as best he
can. When my mother was down with her final illness, Dad became the
primary in charge of her care. He took to it like he took to every
other job in his life - methodically. It was new an alien territory
to him because, as he put it after she died, her job had always been
to take care of what was inside the house and he took care of whatever
was outside the house. He had to learn how to do everything from run
the dishwasher to doing the marketing and all the little niceties
inbetween. Fortunately, there were little routines that Mom had
lulled him into over the years, things that were comfortable and in
his best interest. When he first started needing various medications
for his cholesterol, she would lay them out in the little plastic
calendar. That's what Dad calls his medicine sorter. Later she
somehow weedled him into setting out his own meds in the calendar.
So, when mother became ill and needed in addition to her regular
medications quite a few more, Dad went at it with his organizational
zeal. He contacted the doctor, found out exactly what each med was,
what it was for and how it needed to be administered. He bought
something that looked more like a tool container for screws and bolts
and the like and labeled each according to what it was and when it was
to be given. At the start of each week, he laid out his calendar.
And then he laid out hers.

Mom never really nagged Dad about his eating patterns. She just
bought what was needed and provided it. They were both quite
routinized and when she was unable to carry on the routine, he picked
it up and carried it. After she passed, my dad lamented that it
wasn't supposed to happen like this. He said that he was supposed to
go first. I asked him to show me the contract. He sort of smiled.
Life didn't go according to plan.

I can't really make suggestions on how to get someone to do what you
want them to do. But maybe my mom could have. Dad still follows the
routines she established for him. He still doesn't understand how to
wash his clothes. But the kitchen is always neat as a pin.

A R Pickett <WOODeSTOCK_AP@preodigey.net> wrote:
: Alan S wrote in part -

: >If the caregiver is responsible for the physical care -
: >dosage, feeding, bathing etc, that is different. But where
: >the cared-for is a capable adult with undiminished (in
: >medical terms) physical and mental capacity, then that
: >responsibility is theirs IMO. You can offer advice, but if
: >it is not accepted, you can do little more.

: I guess my question was - if the potential future caregiver can see events
: moving in a troublesome direction, what then? Just wait until dosage,
: feeding, bathing, is necessary and then move out? In a reciprocal
: relationship, whether in marriage or some other mutually supportive
: environment, as a potential caregiver I can tell you right now that I feel
: there is some responsibility to speak up and do my best to prevent a serious
: problem in the future.

: Alan also wrote -
: >Yes you have a stake - but that's why it's worth considering
: >which method of achieving the aim will be most effective.

: Fair enough and a good point. This does a better job of addressing my basic
: question.

: And Nicky wrote

: >> "Riding his case pretty hard of late", especially in light of his age,
: >> just doesn't seem to be supportive. Let the man live his remaining years
: >> in peace.

: >Jim, the guy's 71, not 91... he has (I hope) plenty of time to let all the
: >opathies bite him, if he doesn't get his act together!

: >I've got a great deal of sympathy for the OP, but until he wants to grow up
: >and sort himself out, she's wasting her time.

: I'm approaching 65 and Nicky's right, I'm looking forward to more good years
: together doing the things we BOTH enjoy. And I think Nicky's a little
: closer to the core of my first question.

: The issue, is as Alan said, to find the most effective method of preserving
: good health for us both. Do regulars to ASD truly believe that this is
: "wasting my time?" As I said in my original question, I also have some long
: term chronic health conditions. There's a lot a stake for both of us if
: EITHER of us needs help in "dosage, feeding, and bathing."

: It seems to me that more than a few people have very adroitly managed to
: waltz blithely past my main question and concern.

: --
: A R Pickett aka Woodstock

: "Sometimes the facts threaten the truth"
: Amos Oz, prize winning Israeli author

: Read my book reviews at:
: http://www.booksnbytes.com/reviews/_...ll_byauth.html

If you are basically, the cook in the family, you can prepare foods that
are appropriate for a diabetic (too long to go into here), learn to adapt
many of hie favorites to a diabetic-safe recipe, try not to keep stuff int
eh house that might tempt him ( I, for example, can't have potato chips
too near me, but my husband keeps some cookies and candy "hidden" out of
the kitchen and out of sight) as a start.

Of course, he will eat out, etc or in places where yu cn't control the
foods presented. That is a big problem. Yu do have to try to get him to
understand what works and what doesn't. Would he be willing to read a
book like Diabetes for Dummies?" Does he think all this is , somehow
"unmanly"? That's a hard one, unless you can find some kind of material
on athletes with diabetes, etc. Someone on this bord recently wrote aobut
a famous football player with lots of diabetes in his family and how they
worked with it all.

Your going for walks together is great! Good for you both:-) Has he seen
an opthamologist for a fully dilated retina exam recently? Try to get him
to go and let the doctor discuss the possible problems of poor control
with him. I do hope all is well with his eyes. The more different people
and doctors who can feed him information, the better it is, as it is not
all you doing this.

Does he like to use the computer? Would he read this newsgroup himself?
He might get some ideas from that.

Naggin may not work, but yu do want to find different angles to approach
him from.

I have no idea if any of thsi will work, but some might help. I know yu
ae frightened, so you nag more but try to not just make it a "oh my wife
is after me agin" kind of situation.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. He may well need some scaring form
a doctor or , even a bad example of someone he knows who has had some of
the complications.

Wendy

Hi AR

Of course, you care - that comes through in every word you
write. The difficulty you are facing is that you seem to
care more than he does, or at least than he admits.

My point was that pushiness and nagging are unlikely to work
and will actually be counter-productive. I don't include a
gentle reminder to take his pill, at the appropriate time,
as nagging.

The actions you can directly control - what is cooked in the
house, what foods are made available for snacks, are very
important ones and you can make a big difference there. If
you read here for a while you will see a major difference of
opinion on what those foods should be. Food and exercise in
his situation are at least equally important as his
medications in my lay opinion. Confirm that with his doctor
if you aren't sure.

On that, I can only suggest that you read the various
debates for a while, then form your own opinion. But I'd
give some hints for further reading:
http://www.alt-support-diabetes.org/NewlyDiagnosed.htm
His meter may be the tool that saves his life. Even if he
starts with just one test every so often after a meal to see
what happens - it will help.
http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritio.../pyramids.html
http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/fats.html

I went back and re-read all of your past posts - you haven't
mentioned who cooks, what menu or dietary advice you follow,
what his post-prandial numbers are. Possibly posting a day's
menu would help others offer advice - but be prepared for
some very contradictory answers - we are an argumentative
mob:-) But often, some good information can be gleaned from
the responses if you sift them through the filter of your
common sense.

As I said earlier, mutual forms of exercise may also help.

On motivation, I can only speak for myself - but my wife
gets far more co-operation from me with a smile and a hug
than she will ever get with a raised voice or a frown. Trite
but true.

Cheers, Alan, T2, Australia.
d&e, metformin 1000mg, ezetrol 10mg
Everything in Moderation - Except Laughter.
--
http://loraldiabetes.blogspot.com/
http://loraltravel.blogspot.com/
latest: Florence