Argh! Anger issues!

I swear, i would endure all the other menopause symptoms, if i
could just get my brain back!!

I'm forgetting things, living in mental fog, and going ballistic at little
nuisance stuff on a reguilar basis. I swear i will stop, then something
catches me off guard.

Our Howling Mob of uncontrolled nephews (and niece) arrive today.
This is where i blew up and nearly ruined everybody's nice Christmas
Eve. We were at my parents' having a pleasant Christmas Eve get
together, and my parents told us a "cute" anecdote about my
brother's children.

These children, AKA The Howling Mob, stay in our house when they
visit because they are too much for my parents to take. We live in
this house for free thanks to my dear generous parents and the
Howling Mob is the one and only thing they ask us to endure in return.

So i VOWED that i would not complain about the destructive insanity
of these kids. It's only a few days, a few times a year. "Shut up Ruth!"
I tell myself.

But this anecdote! My parents were both chuckling about some
"cute" endearing thing that one of the kids said to them on the phone,
while the kid was explaining....

....that the whole family is sick with some stomach/diarrhea bug.
Though they are coming to visit anyway.

I blew up. I went ballistic. I used words that even shocked my father,
who's an expert cusser. I said that none of us need their
*&%^ing $%-&-ing diseases, and bringing sick kids when my parents
are so weakened, and bugs hit them so hard, is inconsiderate beyond
belief.... plus my DH was bedridden for a week after their last
visit-with-germs.

And i feel horrible. Not that i'm wrong, bringing sick children to visit
is incredibly inconsiderate, but all my outburst served to do is make
my parents feel bad. What the bleep are they supposed to do about it?

I want to quit blowing up. I need to change what i can and accept
what i can't and quit exploding!

So i'm accepting that fact that my recent carb-fest has to stop --
i know this affects brain function -- and tweaking my supplement
regimens.

I'm going to try GABA again and resume my brain amino acids.
Prayer and meditation need to gear up.

Any other ideas are always welcome!

<grumble grumble> I don't wanna be nice! <grumble grumble>




--
pax
ruth


--
Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains
(remove fspam to reply)

nickelshrink wrote:
> I swear, i would endure all the other menopause symptoms, if i
> could just get my brain back!!
>
> I'm forgetting things, living in mental fog, and going ballistic at little
> nuisance stuff on a reguilar basis. I swear i will stop, then something
> catches me off guard.
>
> Our Howling Mob of uncontrolled nephews (and niece) arrive today.
> This is where i blew up and nearly ruined everybody's nice Christmas
> Eve. We were at my parents' having a pleasant Christmas Eve get
> together, and my parents told us a "cute" anecdote about my
> brother's children.
>
> These children, AKA The Howling Mob, stay in our house when they
> visit because they are too much for my parents to take. We live in
> this house for free thanks to my dear generous parents and the
> Howling Mob is the one and only thing they ask us to endure in return.
>
> So i VOWED that i would not complain about the destructive insanity
> of these kids. It's only a few days, a few times a year. "Shut up Ruth!"
> I tell myself.
>
> But this anecdote! My parents were both chuckling about some
> "cute" endearing thing that one of the kids said to them on the phone,
> while the kid was explaining....
>
> ...that the whole family is sick with some stomach/diarrhea bug.
> Though they are coming to visit anyway.
>
> I blew up. I went ballistic. I used words that even shocked my father,
> who's an expert cusser. I said that none of us need their
> *&%^ing $%-&-ing diseases, and bringing sick kids when my parents
> are so weakened, and bugs hit them so hard, is inconsiderate beyond
> belief.... plus my DH was bedridden for a week after their last
> visit-with-germs.
>
> And i feel horrible. Not that i'm wrong, bringing sick children to visit
> is incredibly inconsiderate, but all my outburst served to do is make
> my parents feel bad. What the bleep are they supposed to do about it?

Seems to me that you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

What your parents are supposed to do about it is to tell your
brother not to come if anyone is sick and to reschedule the
visit. It's bad enough that you have to put up with them when
they are well, but you shouldn't be required to put your health
or theirs at risk when the Howling Mob is sick. Nor if you or
your DH or parents are sick when a visit is scheduled.

Maybe you could renegotiate your arrangement w/r/t Howling Mob
visits and some ground rules that you need to impose. Now that
you have gotten your parents' attention. But in a quieter moment
when you have worked out what it is you want and maybe rehearsed
what you want to say, and worked out some contingency plans for
the "Yes, but, what if" situations that they will raise.

> I want to quit blowing up. I need to change what i can and accept
> what i can't and quit exploding!
>
> So i'm accepting that fact that my recent carb-fest has to stop --
> i know this affects brain function -- and tweaking my supplement
> regimens.
>
> I'm going to try GABA again and resume my brain amino acids.

Which ones do you take? I've been using 5-HTP, tyrosine,
DL-phenylalanine and GABA with some benefit, I think.

> Prayer and meditation need to gear up.
>
> Any other ideas are always welcome!
>
> <grumble grumble> I don't wanna be nice! <grumble grumble>

You don't have to be "nice." Especially when people aren't being
"nice" to you.

Here's a link to a page on dealing with anger on the APA web site
- maybe something in it will be helpful?
http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html

That said, while I've found in my life that explosive anger
rarely solves a problem, sometimes it has at least gotten the
attention of the other party! If I've managed to explode without
denigrating the other person (hard to do), it's been useful. One
time it worked was a few days before our wedding - a time of
minimal stress, of course. My parents were staying at our condo,
and my mother was very sick with a URI. My dad had become inert,
and wasn't doing a damn thing, not even to help take care of her.
Hubster-to-be and I were doing it all. I asked Dad to clean up
after dinner that night, so he magnanimously carried the TV trays
out of the living room and into the kitchen - leaving all of the
dirty dishes sitting on the trays. When I came downstairs an
hour later and saw them in all of their food-caked glory, I lost
it. I yelled something like, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERY F***ING
THING IN THIS HOUSE???!!!" as I took a swing at the tray nearest
the door, sending the tray and dishes flying into the living
room. Dad muttered something like, oh, did you want me to wash
the dishes? I answered, yes that would be nice, and he did.

I don't like blowing up, either. Since menopause, I can almost
guarantee that I'll be depressed afterwards - sometimes for a day
or two or longer. Maybe it's the learned helplessness, which
comes from repeated experiences where blowing up didn't solve
anything, but left a relationship in need of repair.

When I was in peri, it seemed like that small gap in time between
perceiving the situation and the explosion - that gap where, if
you can catch yourself, you can block the impulse to go nonlinear
- shrunk to zero. It's gotten a bit longer lately, and when I
feel like I'm a nuke about to reach critical mass, I try to
breathe - deeply - and think about what outcome I want.
Sometimes it even works.

So, how did it go with the Howling Mob?

FurPaw

--
Better dead than Red.

To reply, unleash the dog.

"nickelshrink" <nickelshrinkfspam@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:4vd46lF1bqql1U1@mid.individual.net...
>
> I swear, i would endure all the other menopause symptoms, if i
> could just get my brain back!!
>
> I'm forgetting things, living in mental fog, and going ballistic at little
> nuisance stuff on a reguilar basis. I swear i will stop, then something
> catches me off guard.
>
> Our Howling Mob of uncontrolled nephews (and niece) arrive today.
> This is where i blew up and nearly ruined everybody's nice Christmas
> Eve. We were at my parents' having a pleasant Christmas Eve get
> together, and my parents told us a "cute" anecdote about my
> brother's children.
>
> These children, AKA The Howling Mob, stay in our house when they
> visit because they are too much for my parents to take. We live in
> this house for free thanks to my dear generous parents and the
> Howling Mob is the one and only thing they ask us to endure in return.
>
> So i VOWED that i would not complain about the destructive insanity
> of these kids. It's only a few days, a few times a year. "Shut up Ruth!"
> I tell myself.
>
> But this anecdote! My parents were both chuckling about some
> "cute" endearing thing that one of the kids said to them on the phone,
> while the kid was explaining....
>
> ...that the whole family is sick with some stomach/diarrhea bug.
> Though they are coming to visit anyway.
>
> I blew up. I went ballistic. I used words that even shocked my father,
> who's an expert cusser. I said that none of us need their
> *&%^ing $%-&-ing diseases, and bringing sick kids when my parents
> are so weakened, and bugs hit them so hard, is inconsiderate beyond
> belief.... plus my DH was bedridden for a week after their last
> visit-with-germs.
>
> And i feel horrible. Not that i'm wrong, bringing sick children to visit
> is incredibly inconsiderate, but all my outburst served to do is make
> my parents feel bad. What the bleep are they supposed to do about it?
>
> I want to quit blowing up. I need to change what i can and accept
> what i can't and quit exploding!
>
> So i'm accepting that fact that my recent carb-fest has to stop --
> i know this affects brain function -- and tweaking my supplement
> regimens.
>
> I'm going to try GABA again and resume my brain amino acids.
> Prayer and meditation need to gear up.
>
> Any other ideas are always welcome!
>
> <grumble grumble> I don't wanna be nice! <grumble grumble>

I have no real advice to give you since all I can think of while reading
this is basically, "Thank goodness the Howling Mob isn't related to me!" -
because I don't think I could *stand* it/them! All the power to you for
dealing w/them to begin with, & congrats if you blow up big-time only once
per visit. Hand them all masks, BTW. And maybe get extras for yourselves.
(I'm only semi-kidding!)

Cathy

>
>
>
>
> --
> pax
> ruth
>
>
> --
> Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
> http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains
> (remove fspam to reply)
>

"FurPaw" <furrealpawdog@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:S-KdnRbxmLAPdwzYnZ2dnUVZ_oytnZ2d@comcast.com...
> nickelshrink wrote:
>> I swear, i would endure all the other menopause symptoms, if i
>> could just get my brain back!!
>>

>> I want to quit blowing up. I need to change what i can and accept
>> what i can't and quit exploding!
>>
<snips>
>>
>> <grumble grumble> I don't wanna be nice! <grumble grumble>
>
> You don't have to be "nice." Especially when people aren't being "nice"
> to you.
>
> Here's a link to a page on dealing with anger on the APA web site - maybe
> something in it will be helpful?
> http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html
>
> That said, while I've found in my life that explosive anger rarely solves
> a problem, sometimes it has at least gotten the attention of the other
> party!

It's one of those "assertiveness" issues - the average woman
isn't very assertive (ok, some of us here are - but we're not
*average* <g>) and takes and takes and takes all the family
sh*t, until she can't take anymore and blows up, spectaculary.
Often over minor things, because they become the "last straw".

If you want to avoid blowing up, you have to put your foot
down, gently, earlier on, when the issues aren't so heated,
you're not so stressed. Embrace the power of "NO!"


--
Jette Goldie
jette@blueyonder.co.uk
http://www.jette.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
http://wolfette.livejournal.com/
("reply to" is spamblocked - use the email addy in sig)

Dear Ruth

I can understand your annoyance at the brain vagueness and irritability
which other people are causing you.

My thoughts are :
1. because the hypothalmus (in our brain) controls our menstrual cycle
and also our feelings - then we have to expect if our cycle is all over
the place then our emotions would be too. I'm not sure however if
there is medication to clear this brain fog -maybe we have to cope with
it best way we can.

2. Your irritablilty at your family's inconsiderateness, may simply be
related to being "more mature". I find that as I have aged, my
patience with others has lessened and my annoyance level has increased
- (especially when I can see them doing stupid or immature) .

3. If you are not feeling well, both physically and mentally of course
you "don't wanna be nice". You probably don't have the energy to take
care of yourself let alone cope with a house full of guests. All you
can do is be honest about your health with those around you - take
yourself out of a situation if you feel your stress levels rising -
and if you SNAP ! then just simply say, I'm sorry but that is how I
feel.

4. Tell your parents that you feel horrible at your outrage and then
suggest to them that you can not and will not host big family
get-togethers any more as you wish to avoid embarrassment to them and
yourself.

5. Don't be tough on yourself. I'm sure many of are are going though
the same challenges.


I do not know what GABA is but if it works for you Ruth, my gosh! I
would grab it with both hands.

Take care
Jane



nickelshrink wrote:
> I swear, i would endure all the other menopause symptoms, if i
> could just get my brain back!!
>
> I'm forgetting things, living in mental fog, and going ballistic at little
> nuisance stuff on a reguilar basis. I swear i will stop, then something
> catches me off guard.

...........
> I'm going to try GABA again and resume my brain amino acids.
> Prayer and meditation need to gear up.
>
> Any other ideas are always welcome!
>
> <grumble grumble> I don't wanna be nice! <grumble grumble>
>
> --
> pax
> ruth
>

Jette Goldie wrote:
> "FurPaw" <furrealpawdog@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:S-KdnRbxmLAPdwzYnZ2dnUVZ_oytnZ2d@comcast.com...
>> nickelshrink wrote:
>>> I swear, i would endure all the other menopause symptoms, if i
>>> could just get my brain back!!
>>>
>
>>> I want to quit blowing up. I need to change what i can and accept
>>> what i can't and quit exploding!
>>>
> <snips>
>>> <grumble grumble> I don't wanna be nice! <grumble grumble>
>> You don't have to be "nice." Especially when people aren't being "nice"
>> to you.
>>
>> Here's a link to a page on dealing with anger on the APA web site - maybe
>> something in it will be helpful?
>> http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html
>>
>> That said, while I've found in my life that explosive anger rarely solves
>> a problem, sometimes it has at least gotten the attention of the other
>> party!
>
> It's one of those "assertiveness" issues - the average woman
> isn't very assertive (ok, some of us here are - but we're not
> *average* <g>) and takes and takes and takes all the family
> sh*t, until she can't take anymore and blows up, spectaculary.
> Often over minor things, because they become the "last straw".
>
> If you want to avoid blowing up, you have to put your foot
> down, gently, earlier on, when the issues aren't so heated,
> you're not so stressed. Embrace the power of "NO!"

Would that it were that simple! Lack of assertiveness is
certainly ONE of the underlying factors that can lead to blowing
up, but being proactively assertive does not guarantee that you
will control a situation to the extent that you will never feel
anger over how it develops. Nor does it control the 'threshold'
for triggering your anger.

FurPaw

--
Better dead than Red.

To reply, unleash the dog.

In article <4vd46lF1bqql1U1@mid.individual.net>,
"nickelshrink" <nickelshrinkfspam@yahoo.com> wrote:

> And i feel horrible. Not that i'm wrong, bringing sick children to visit
> is incredibly inconsiderate, but all my outburst served to do is make
> my parents feel bad. What the bleep are they supposed to do about it?

Ask them not to come if they're contagious?

Frankly, I think the content of what you said was quite appropriate.

Priscilla

"FurPaw" <furrealpawdog@gmail.com> wrote in message news:S-KdnRbxmLAPdwzYnZ2dnUVZ_oytnZ2d@comcast.com...
> nickelshrink wrote:
>> Our Howling Mob of uncontrolled nephews (and niece) arrive today.
>> This is where i blew up and nearly ruined everybody's nice Christmas
>> Eve. We were at my parents' having a pleasant Christmas Eve get
>> together, and my parents told us a "cute" anecdote about my
>> brother's children.
>>
>> These children, AKA The Howling Mob, stay in our house when they
>> visit because they are too much for my parents to take. We live in
>> this house for free thanks to my dear generous parents and the
>> Howling Mob is the one and only thing they ask us to endure in return.

<snip myself>

>>
>> ...that the whole family is sick with some stomach/diarrhea bug.
>> Though they are coming to visit anyway.
>>
> What your parents are supposed to do about it is to tell your brother not to come if anyone is sick and to reschedule the
> visit.

I've been hesitant to put my foot down since this really is my parents'
house, but they'll suffer worse than we will if they catch these flu
things and i think i really am going to ask them to nix any
disease-ridden visits.


>>
>> I'm going to try GABA again and resume my brain amino acids.
>
> Which ones do you take? I've been using 5-HTP, tyrosine, DL-phenylalanine and GABA with some benefit, I think.


5-HTP and GABA for mood and stress

For brain function "Sea Buddies Concentrate" by Enzymatic Therapy.
It's got:
DMAE
phosphatidylserine
N-Acetylcysteine
Taurine
L-Theanine

I stopped this a month ago thinking it was making my temper worse, but it's now
clear that it wasn't! I was taking it only as needed but i'm now starting a daily
small dose.


>
> Here's a link to a page on dealing with anger on the APA web site - maybe something in it will be helpful?
> http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html


GOOD site. I'll read it more thoroughly, but yeah, the key is
not to let anger control *me.* Thanks.


>
> That said, while I've found in my life that explosive anger rarely solves a problem, sometimes it has at least gotten the
> attention of the other party! If I've managed to explode without denigrating the other person (hard to do), it's been
> useful. One time it worked was a few days before our wedding - a time of minimal stress, of course.


*LOL!* Mm-hm! No stess there, nothin' to it!


>My parents were staying at our condo, and my mother was very sick with a URI. My dad had become inert, and wasn't doing a
>damn thing, not even to help take care of her. Hubster-to-be and I were doing it all. I asked Dad to clean up after dinner
>that night, so he magnanimously carried the TV trays out of the living room and into the kitchen - leaving all of the dirty
>dishes sitting on the trays. When I came downstairs an hour later and saw them in all of their food-caked glory, I lost it.
>I yelled something like, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERY F***ING THING IN THIS HOUSE???!!!" as I took a swing at the tray nearest the
>door, sending the tray and dishes flying into the living room. Dad muttered something like, oh, did you want me to wash the
>dishes? I answered, yes that would be nice, and he did.
>
> I don't like blowing up, either. Since menopause, I can almost guarantee that I'll be depressed afterwards - sometimes for
> a day or two or longer.

Yeah! Just how i felt for a couple days.


> Maybe it's the learned helplessness, which comes from repeated experiences where blowing up didn't solve anything, but left
> a relationship in need of repair.
>
> When I was in peri, it seemed like that small gap in time between perceiving the situation and the explosion - that gap
> where, if you can catch yourself, you can block the impulse to go nonlinear - shrunk to zero.

This is right-on too!




--
pax
ruth


--
Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains
(remove fspam to reply)

"FurPaw" <furrealpawdog@gmail.com> wrote in message news:ROGdnYqw14dByA7YnZ2dnUVZ_qarnZ2d@comcast.com. ..
> Jette Goldie wrote:
>>
>> It's one of those "assertiveness" issues - the average woman
>> isn't very assertive (ok, some of us here are - but we're not
>> *average* <g>) and takes and takes and takes all the family
>> sh*t, until she can't take anymore and blows up, spectaculary.
>> Often over minor things, because they become the "last straw".
>>
>> If you want to avoid blowing up, you have to put your foot
>> down, gently, earlier on, when the issues aren't so heated,
>> you're not so stressed. Embrace the power of "NO!"
>
> Would that it were that simple! Lack of assertiveness is certainly ONE of the underlying factors that can lead to blowing
> up, but being proactively assertive does not guarantee that you will control a situation to the extent that you will never
> feel anger over how it develops. Nor does it control the 'threshold' for triggering your anger.


I think for me it's a matter of not being able to control the situation
in the first place, so Furpaw's got a point. We have to live here,
the parents need to see their grandchildren, the grandchildren
need to stay here and not exhaust my parents.

Actually we do have other choices -- we could give up our
own business and go back into the job market. Buncha' reasons
this seems best, but we do know there are alternatives.

Our daughter's illness is the financial reason we're stuck needing
a free place to stay, and we can't alleviate her pain either so DH
ands i both feel so unable to control our lives a lot of the time and
that won't change no matter how i deal with the anger

BUT i do let the frustration build .... and some
women-should-be-acquiescent training from *way* back kicks in.
That training (hey, at least i'm conscious of it! 8~) ) says that women,
by "taking it", by acquiescing, subordinating their needs to others, etc
are building an emotional bank account. There's some mysteriously
discernible point at which she can blow and the world will say "The poor
dear she can't take any more!" But you can't blow till you reach that
socially acceptable point. Do it too early and you're an unsupportive,
un-nuturing bitch.

Somewhere i got a message that calm consistent "no's" are unattractive
in a woman. Too tough, mannish etc. Women are "supposed" to be
emotional, even hysterical, so it's ok and adequately feminine to say no,
in rare blowups but not in calm consistency. Jette's right. That stereotype
needs to die!


--
pax
ruth


--
Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains
(remove fspam to reply)

"Priscilla Ballou" <vze23t8n@verizon.net> wrote in message news:vze23t8n-2EB85C.18052728122006@individual.net...
> In article <4vd46lF1bqql1U1@mid.individual.net>,
> "nickelshrink" <nickelshrinkfspam@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>> And i feel horrible. Not that i'm wrong, bringing sick children to visit
>> is incredibly inconsiderate, but all my outburst served to do is make
>> my parents feel bad. What the bleep are they supposed to do about it?
>
> Ask them not to come if they're contagious?
>
> Frankly, I think the content of what you said was quite appropriate.
>

The *content* was ok! 8~)

Part of why i was so taken off-guard is that my father is a freakin' *physician.*
He knows perfectly well about contagion. He also knows that the last stomach
flu my mom got put her in the hospital and she was a lot stronger then. He
worries about her constantly. So him sitting there laughing at how cute this
kid's telephone diarhhea anecdote was, without a word about
"Oh crap, and they're coming here!" sorta shocked me.

But i'll say i shocked him right back and right good.

Yeah, their regular visits need to be accomodated, but
disease-ridden visits need to stop here and now.


Thanks to yall for your support!

--
pax
ruth


--
Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains
(remove fspam to reply)

nickelshrink <nickelshrinkfspam@yahoo.com> wrote:

> Yeah, their regular visits need to be accomodated, but
> disease-ridden visits need to stop here and now.

Why do parents travel with sick kids anyway? Just because it's
Christmas? Is that even good for the kids?

--
Keera in Norway * Think big. Shrink to fit.
http://home.online.no/~kafox/