OK if i whine and woe?

Especially since nothing is all that terrible. Just feeling low.
My dad, age 80, is having heart problems, and has been
given a heart monitor. He's OK, and futzing around doing all
his usual stuff.

But DH is a little upset with me for not getting more involved
in this. Ordinarily DH and i laugh about the *radically* different
ways his family and mine deal with stuff, but he woke me up this
morning with a guilt trip - "Why aren't you phoning your mother
to see if everything's OK?"

"Because if it weren't, she'd tell us. It's a monitor, it's gathering
data, there isn't anything TO tell us yet."

"In MY family we'd call just to show we care."

%$# bloody &^%, they know perfectly well that i care. The very
*idea* that i'm failing to show i care makes me wanna throw
something. This is a hard time for them, and for us. They have NO
problem calling on us when they need help, and they do not want
fussing. In my family, unsolicited enquiries are seen as fussing.
In DH's, they yakyak everything to death! 8~)

And what's worse is, i would be fussing, because i *am* worried
and they feel guilty about causing worry, and my worry will show
no matter how casual i try to seem, and that will stress them MORE.

Crazy or not, that the way it is, and they know we're there for them.
To get through these passages i really need to NOT be guilt tripped
about how.

And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)


--
pax,
ruth


Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

"nickelshrink" <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:5v7flnF1lachdU1@mid.individual.net...
>
> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)
>
>
{{{{ruth}}}}

You've got it.....

On Jan 16, 5:44 pm, nickelshrink <nickelshr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> Especially since nothing is all that terrible. Just feeling low.
> My dad, age 80, is having heart problems, and has been
> given a heart monitor. He's OK, and futzing around doing all
> his usual stuff.
>
> But DH is a little upset with me for not getting more involved
> in this. Ordinarily DH and i laugh about the *radically* different
> ways his family and mine deal with stuff, but he woke me up this
> morning with a guilt trip - "Why aren't you phoning your mother
> to see if everything's OK?"
>
> "Because if it weren't, she'd tell us. It's a monitor, it's gathering
> data, there isn't anything TO tell us yet."
>
> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."
>
> %$# bloody &^%, they know perfectly well that i care. The very
> *idea* that i'm failing to show i care makes me wanna throw
> something. This is a hard time for them, and for us. They have NO
> problem calling on us when they need help, and they do not want
> fussing. In my family, unsolicited enquiries are seen as fussing.
> In DH's, they yakyak everything to death! 8~)
>
> And what's worse is, i would be fussing, because i *am* worried
> and they feel guilty about causing worry, and my worry will show
> no matter how casual i try to seem, and that will stress them MORE.
>
> Crazy or not, that the way it is, and they know we're there for them.
> To get through these passages i really need to NOT be guilt tripped
> about how.
>
> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)
>
> --
> pax,
> ruth
>
> Save trees AND money! Buy used books!http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

ruth,

doesn't sound crazy at all. sounds like normally you & dh deal with
the different communication dynamics well. i'm sure the stress/
concern of your dad's health situation +anything/nothing else helped
to contribute to the gap in respecting the different styles. so you
sound rightfully irritated, but quite straight in your thinking. good
luck with the talk & my best wishes to you & your family with your
dad's health.

excellent dessert selection!

best,
ellen

Tell Hubby if he is so concerned to pick up the phone and find out for
himself. Your family and you understand that daily calls are not needed but
if Hubby thinks daily checks are in order he can do it himself...after all
when he married you he became part of your family...Your Dad or Mom might
even think what a nice son-in-law he is My Mother lived with us the last
three months or so before cancer finally took her. My hubby has a hard time
with people who are ill...he just doesn't know what he is supposed to
do...as long as he was there for me it was ok. My Brother In-law on the
other hand was a big help especially when she had to be lifted to the porta
pot , he thought nothing of it. I know the way a person is raised has allot
to do with it. My BIL came from a warm caring touchy family...I came from a
family that wasn't real touchy but show we care by doing stuff that has to
be done...and talking. My husband comes from a family of ten that hardly
ever communicated with each other. The first time I went to dinner at their
house it was really a shocker to me. At my family's dinner table everybody
talks at once...that was the time of the day that our day was discussed. The
only conversation I heard at my husbands family table was when somebody
wanted something passed to them. So tell Hubby if he doesn't have the phone
number you will write it down for him
Jacquie

"nickelshrink" <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:5v7flnF1lachdU1@mid.individual.net...
>
> Especially since nothing is all that terrible. Just feeling low.
> My dad, age 80, is having heart problems, and has been
> given a heart monitor. He's OK, and futzing around doing all
> his usual stuff.
>
> But DH is a little upset with me for not getting more involved
> in this. Ordinarily DH and i laugh about the *radically* different
> ways his family and mine deal with stuff, but he woke me up this
> morning with a guilt trip - "Why aren't you phoning your mother
> to see if everything's OK?"
>
> "Because if it weren't, she'd tell us. It's a monitor, it's gathering
> data, there isn't anything TO tell us yet."
>
> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."
>
> %$# bloody &^%, they know perfectly well that i care. The very
> *idea* that i'm failing to show i care makes me wanna throw
> something. This is a hard time for them, and for us. They have NO
> problem calling on us when they need help, and they do not want
> fussing. In my family, unsolicited enquiries are seen as fussing.
> In DH's, they yakyak everything to death! 8~)
>
> And what's worse is, i would be fussing, because i *am* worried
> and they feel guilty about causing worry, and my worry will show
> no matter how casual i try to seem, and that will stress them MORE.
>
> Crazy or not, that the way it is, and they know we're there for them.
> To get through these passages i really need to NOT be guilt tripped
> about how.
>
> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)
>
>
> --
> pax,
> ruth
>
>
> Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
> http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

On Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:44:06 -0500, nickelshrink
<nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote:

>"In MY family we'd call just to show we care."


Wow, men are so different. My ex-DH wouldn't have cared about who was
showing they cared or not. His way of showing he cared was to throw
money at it. He never talked.

I agree with you, but I have to say I wonder what it would be like to
have a husband that would call "just to show he cared".

Dana
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

nickelshrink wrote:

> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)

Interesting how different family cultures are. Hubster's family
talks all the time (now, those who are still speaking with each
other, anyhow), and there would have been endless phone calls in
a case like this, and his mother, especially, _would_ have
expected her kids to be fussing over them and calling frequently.
My parents sometimes didn't even tell me about health problems,
because they didn't want to worry me. There is a happy medium
somewhere in there...

The good thing, even though it's annoying you right now, is that
your DH appears to be a very caring sort of guy.

I hope it all works out for your dad.

How was the Dark Chocolate?

FurPaw

--
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
those who are cold and are not clothed."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

To reply, unleash the dogs.

suzilem wrote:
> "nickelshrink" <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:5v7flnF1lachdU1@mid.individual.net...
>> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
>> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
>> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)
>>
>>
> {{{{ruth}}}}
>
> You've got it.....
>
>


Thank you, suzilem!

--
pax,
ruth


Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

ellen wrote:
> On Jan 16, 5:44 pm, nickelshrink <nickelshr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>> Especially since nothing is all that terrible. Just feeling low.
>> My dad, age 80, is having heart problems, and has been
>> given a heart monitor. He's OK, and futzing around doing all
>> his usual stuff.
>>
>> But DH is a little upset with me for not getting more involved
>> in this. Ordinarily DH and i laugh about the *radically* different
>> ways his family and mine deal with stuff, but he woke me up this
>> morning with a guilt trip - "Why aren't you phoning your mother
>> to see if everything's OK?"
>>
>> "Because if it weren't, she'd tell us. It's a monitor, it's gathering
>> data, there isn't anything TO tell us yet."
>>
>> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."
>>
>> %$# bloody &^%, they know perfectly well that i care. The very
>> *idea* that i'm failing to show i care makes me wanna throw
>> something. This is a hard time for them, and for us. They have NO
>> problem calling on us when they need help, and they do not want
>> fussing. In my family, unsolicited enquiries are seen as fussing.
>> In DH's, they yakyak everything to death! 8~)
>>
>> And what's worse is, i would be fussing, because i *am* worried
>> and they feel guilty about causing worry, and my worry will show
>> no matter how casual i try to seem, and that will stress them MORE.
>>
>> Crazy or not, that the way it is, and they know we're there for them.
>> To get through these passages i really need to NOT be guilt tripped
>> about how.
>>
>> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
>> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
>> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)
>>
>> --
>> pax,
>> ruth
>>
>> Save trees AND money! Buy used books!http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains
>
> ruth,
>
> doesn't sound crazy at all. sounds like normally you & dh deal with
> the different communication dynamics well. i'm sure the stress/
> concern of your dad's health situation +anything/nothing else helped
> to contribute to the gap in respecting the different styles. so you
> sound rightfully irritated, but quite straight in your thinking. good
> luck with the talk & my best wishes to you & your family with your
> dad's health.
>
> excellent dessert selection!
>
> best,
> ellen


Thanks, ellen! We're in good shape just...stressed.
8~}

--
pax,
ruth


Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

Dana© wrote:
> On Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:44:06 -0500, nickelshrink
> <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."
>
>
> Wow, men are so different. My ex-DH wouldn't have cared about who was
> showing they cared or not. His way of showing he cared was to throw
> money at it. He never talked.
>
> I agree with you, but I have to say I wonder what it would be like to
> have a husband that would call "just to show he cared".
>
> Dana
> Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
> for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


It really is quite wonderful, most of the time!

Thanks for the support!

--
pax,
ruth


Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

jacquie wrote:
> Tell Hubby if he is so concerned to pick up the phone and find out for
> himself. Your family and you understand that daily calls are not needed but
> if Hubby thinks daily checks are in order he can do it himself...after all
> when he married you he became part of your family...Your Dad or Mom might
> even think what a nice son-in-law he is My Mother lived with us the last
> three months or so before cancer finally took her. My hubby has a hard time
> with people who are ill...he just doesn't know what he is supposed to
> do...as long as he was there for me it was ok. My Brother In-law on the
> other hand was a big help especially when she had to be lifted to the porta
> pot , he thought nothing of it. I know the way a person is raised has allot
> to do with it. My BIL came from a warm caring touchy family...I came from a
> family that wasn't real touchy but show we care by doing stuff that has to
> be done...and talking. My husband comes from a family of ten that hardly
> ever communicated with each other. The first time I went to dinner at their
> house it was really a shocker to me. At my family's dinner table everybody
> talks at once...that was the time of the day that our day was discussed. The
> only conversation I heard at my husbands family table was when somebody
> wanted something passed to them. So tell Hubby if he doesn't have the phone
> number you will write it down for him
> Jacquie
>
> "nickelshrink" <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:5v7flnF1lachdU1@mid.individual.net...
>> Especially since nothing is all that terrible. Just feeling low.
>> My dad, age 80, is having heart problems, and has been
>> given a heart monitor. He's OK, and futzing around doing all
>> his usual stuff.
>>
>> But DH is a little upset with me for not getting more involved
>> in this. Ordinarily DH and i laugh about the *radically* different
>> ways his family and mine deal with stuff, but he woke me up this
>> morning with a guilt trip - "Why aren't you phoning your mother
>> to see if everything's OK?"
>>
>> "Because if it weren't, she'd tell us. It's a monitor, it's gathering
>> data, there isn't anything TO tell us yet."
>>
>> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."
>>
>> %$# bloody &^%, they know perfectly well that i care. The very
>> *idea* that i'm failing to show i care makes me wanna throw
>> something. This is a hard time for them, and for us. They have NO
>> problem calling on us when they need help, and they do not want
>> fussing. In my family, unsolicited enquiries are seen as fussing.
>> In DH's, they yakyak everything to death! 8~)
>>
>> And what's worse is, i would be fussing, because i *am* worried
>> and they feel guilty about causing worry, and my worry will show
>> no matter how casual i try to seem, and that will stress them MORE.
>>
>> Crazy or not, that the way it is, and they know we're there for them.
>> To get through these passages i really need to NOT be guilt tripped
>> about how.
>>
>> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
>> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
>> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)
>>
>>
>> --
>> pax,
>> ruth
>>
>>
>> Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
>> http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains
>
>


LOL! Yep, and the crazy thing is he really *is* very close to them.
In fact he and my dad, and a couple other guys, have a weekly
lunch, which is today, and apparently is still on! So he'll
get an update, and just the way my dad wants to give it - in
an "everything's normal" setting.

Thanks!

--
pax,
ruth


Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

FurPaw wrote:
> nickelshrink wrote:
>
>> And yes, DH and i are going to have a talk, but meanwhile i want
>> some Whines and Woeses major Dark Chocolate Something, with
>> real whipped cream, and a cherry xanex on top! 8~)
>
> Interesting how different family cultures are. Hubster's family talks
> all the time (now, those who are still speaking with each other,
> anyhow), and there would have been endless phone calls in a case like
> this, and his mother, especially, _would_ have expected her kids to be
> fussing over them and calling frequently. My parents sometimes didn't
> even tell me about health problems, because they didn't want to worry
> me. There is a happy medium somewhere in there...
>
> The good thing, even though it's annoying you right now, is that your DH
> appears to be a very caring sort of guy.
>
> I hope it all works out for your dad.
>
> How was the Dark Chocolate?
>
> FurPaw
>

He is a *very* caring guy, and truly, i treasure him. Our differing
styles are rarely a problem but this is a bad time for a guilt trip.
I get melancholic easily, have to manage my moods with
diet and supplements. I hated antidepressants and quit them
years ago. and have to, absolutely *have to* take care of myself
my own way.

Your family situation sounds almost like a duplicate of mine!
And DH and i are are kind of a reversal of the stereotypical
gender roles - he talks, and talks. I'm not so much of a talker.
Though i think these pairings always work out better than
either 2 talkers or 2 non-talkers!

I've never actually taken xanax but i think dark chocolate
coated xanax could become a best seller.

8~)




--
pax,
ruth


Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

nickelshrink wrote:

> He is a *very* caring guy, and truly, i treasure him. Our differing
> styles are rarely a problem but this is a bad time for a guilt trip.
> I get melancholic easily, have to manage my moods with
> diet and supplements. I hated antidepressants and quit them
> years ago. and have to, absolutely *have to* take care of myself
> my own way.

I'm struck by the similarity. I'm dysthymic, and I can also
easily slip into depression, I try to manage it with diet and
supplements and exercise and self-administered cognitive therapy,
because I don't like the effects of antidepressants either.

> Your family situation sounds almost like a duplicate of mine!
> And DH and i are are kind of a reversal of the stereotypical
> gender roles - he talks, and talks. I'm not so much of a talker.
> Though i think these pairings always work out better than
> either 2 talkers or 2 non-talkers!

Stranger and stranger - Hubster is also the talker, and I'm
fairly quiet. His noisy family is also pretty dysfunctional, though.

> I've never actually taken xanax but i think dark chocolate
> coated xanax could become a best seller.

Me either - I did take ativan once (one dose) and it made me
stupid (literally - I felt like most of my brain went off-line),
so I generally avoid tranqs. Dark chocolate is a different story!

FurPaw


--
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
those who are cold and are not clothed."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

To reply, unleash the dogs.

Dana© wrote:
> On Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:44:06 -0500, nickelshrink
> <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."
>
>
> Wow, men are so different. My ex-DH wouldn't have cared about who was
> showing they cared or not. His way of showing he cared was to throw
> money at it. He never talked.
>
> I agree with you, but I have to say I wonder what it would be like to
> have a husband that would call "just to show he cared".
>

My husband it's like "no news is good news" - prefers not to call his
folks too often, because "having him call would make them worry".

It's taken a lot of work to get him convinced he should call me to let
me know he's ok when things happen. Like the time he and his brother
were on vacation in Cuba (it's legal for us Brits and quite a common
destination) and the day they were due to leave, another plane was
involved in a hijack situation. Literally their plane was on the
runway when the hijacked plane landed, so all flights were cancelled,
and they were brought back to the terminal and delayed overnight.
Since he'd been planning to stay over in London with his brother on
arrival in the UK and travel home to Edinburgh the next day, he
decided *not* to call, because the new flight would connect with his
original London-Edinburgh flight without needing a lay-over. His
brother called his mother, just to let her know they were ok, and when
she asked should she call me to reassure me too, his reaction was
"well, she wouldn't know anything was wrong - why worry her?".... like
totally ignoring the fact that hijacks tend to make headline news,
even when they happen in Cuba, and I'm a BBC News junkie!


--
Jette Goldie
jette@blueyonder.co.uk
http://www.jette.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
http://wolfette.livejournal.com/
("reply to" is spamblocked - use the email addy in sig)

That's like my husband and his cancer. He had had pain in his lower abdomen
for 6 months...never said a word to me. When he had is regular Dr
appointment he just mentioned it to his Dr. His Dr set him up for blood
tests and a CatScan....After his Scan he came home and told me he had a scan
and the Dr told him he probably had testicular cancer. I mean that was
dropped out of the blue...I got so angry that he waited so long to tell me
he was having pains....his reasoning...he didn't want to worry
me...MEN...sigh. So ever since then I have been told every thing on the
medical front. I can't believe he didn't want to worry me...I have three
kids that we raised together and many times had them on my own while he was
on a isolated tour or Temporary Duty...who in the hell did he think handled
emergencies when he wasn't there...sigh.
Jacquie
"Jette" <bosslady@scotlandmail.com> wrote in message
news:6YLjj.78826$c_1.53205@text.news.blueyonder.co .uk...
> Dana© wrote:
>> On Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:44:06 -0500, nickelshrink
>> <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>
>>> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."
>>
>>
>> Wow, men are so different. My ex-DH wouldn't have cared about who was
>> showing they cared or not. His way of showing he cared was to throw
>> money at it. He never talked. I agree with you, but I have to say I
>> wonder what it would be like to
>> have a husband that would call "just to show he cared".
>
> My husband it's like "no news is good news" - prefers not to call his
> folks too often, because "having him call would make them worry".
>
> It's taken a lot of work to get him convinced he should call me to let me
> know he's ok when things happen. Like the time he and his brother were on
> vacation in Cuba (it's legal for us Brits and quite a common destination)
> and the day they were due to leave, another plane was involved in a hijack
> situation. Literally their plane was on the runway when the hijacked
> plane landed, so all flights were cancelled, and they were brought back to
> the terminal and delayed overnight. Since he'd been planning to stay over
> in London with his brother on arrival in the UK and travel home to
> Edinburgh the next day, he decided *not* to call, because the new flight
> would connect with his original London-Edinburgh flight without needing a
> lay-over. His brother called his mother, just to let her know they were
> ok, and when she asked should she call me to reassure me too, his reaction
> was "well, she wouldn't know anything was wrong - why worry her?".... like
> totally ignoring the fact that hijacks tend to make headline news, even
> when they happen in Cuba, and I'm a BBC News junkie!
>
>
> --
> Jette Goldie
> jette@blueyonder.co.uk
> http://www.jette.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
> http://wolfette.livejournal.com/
> ("reply to" is spamblocked - use the email addy in sig)

nickelshrink <nickelshrink@yahoo.com> wrote:

> "Why aren't you phoning your mother to see if everything's OK?"
>
> "Because if it weren't, she'd tell us. It's a monitor, it's gathering
> data, there isn't anything TO tell us yet."
>
> "In MY family we'd call just to show we care."

In my family, we never had the habit of checking in daily (or even
weekly) via the phone, so when my grandmother called me while I was away
on a business trip, I thought something was wrong. She thought she'd
call just because she could; I had given her the hotel number.

I'm a little sorry we didn't change our lifelong habit then. It would
have been nice as she got older and sometimes just wanted company, to
hear the phone ring, see caller ID and not automatically assume a
problem.

--
Keera in Norway * Think big and then ask for more.
http://home.online.no/~kafox/

On Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:08:18 GMT, Jette <bosslady@scotlandmail.com>
wrote:

>"well, she wouldn't know anything was wrong - why worry her?".... like
>totally ignoring the fact that hijacks tend to make headline news,
>even when they happen in Cuba, and I'm a BBC News junkie!


LOL. That's so funny. In this age of media overload to think you
wouldn't noticed a hijacked plane in the same area that he was.
Well, "he" knew he was OK.

Dana
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

On Jan 17, 2:27*pm, Dana© <AneeB...@ownmail.com> wrote:
> On Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:08:18 GMT, Jette <bossl...@scotlandmail.com>
> wrote:
>
> >"well, she wouldn't know anything was wrong - why worry her?".... like
> >totally ignoring the fact that hijacks tend to make headline news,
> >even when they happen in Cuba, and I'm a BBC News junkie!
>
> LOL. That's so funny. In this age of media overload to think you
> wouldn't noticed a hijacked plane in the same area that he was.
> Well, "he" knew he was OK.
>
> Dana
> Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
> for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

My own Hublet has a tourette-like habit of blurting "How long since
you talked to your mom? (or dad)". Even if it was the day before.
I've been spared for the last week, since our phone line was out from
last Friday till today. My parents are a big worry to me too, what
with my mom's deteriorating body and my dad's disintegrating mind, and
their long distance from me and each other. Soon as the phone went
out, I had to go to the neighbors' and set up emergency procedures.
Here's hoping they don't both melt down at the same time!
Les