[OT Humor: battle of the sexes goes on...]

Forwarded to me...
FurPaw

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand
how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is
essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife
to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's
sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my
own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying
a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed
a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men..."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

[nb - recent research finds that the average number of words used
per day by men and women is about equal, around 16,000.]


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would
be attracted to you!"


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"


THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left
it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00
AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
those who are cold and are not clothed."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

To reply, unleash the dog.

On Aug 4, 6:15 pm, FurPaw <furrealpaw...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Forwarded to me...
> FurPaw
>
> WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
> She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
> Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
> Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
> Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
> And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
>
> WOMEN'S REVENGE
> "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
> wished to purchase.
>
> As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
> television set in her purse.
>
> "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
>
> "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
> me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
> legally."
>
> UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
> (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
> I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand
> how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh,
> rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
>
> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
> Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is
> essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
> dislikes."
>
> He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
>
> Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
> "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
>
> CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
> The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
> He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
> She directs him down the correct aisle.
>
> A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
> ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
> thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
>
> He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife
> to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
> with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's
> sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my
> own .......... so does she.
>
> (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
>
> WIFE VS. HUSBAND
> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying
> a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed
> a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
> sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
>
> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>
> WORDS
> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
> use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
>
> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
> everything to men..."
>
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
>
> [nb - recent research finds that the average number of words used
> per day by men and women is about equal, around 16,000.]
>
> CREATION
> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
> so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
>
> The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful
> so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would
> be attracted to you!"
>
> WHO DOES WHAT
> A man and his wife were having an argument about who
> should brew the coffee each morning.
>
> The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and
> then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The
> husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
> should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
> my coffee."
>
> Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
> Bible that the man should do the coffee."
>
> Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
>
> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
> him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
>
> THE SILENT TREATMENT
> A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
> giving each other the silent treatment.
>
> Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
> wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
> wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left
> it where he knew she would find it.
>
> The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00
> AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
> see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
> paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>
> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>
> --
> "Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
> every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
> a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
> those who are cold and are not clothed."
> - Dwight D. Eisenhower
>
> To reply, unleash the dog.



talk about timely. i've been spending the day wondering if every
woman who has been married a long time reaches a point where she
yearns to be single...
the only other thing that i'll say is that today's fight involves
references to the 3 stooges & farts.

thanks for some laughs,
but still wondering,
ellen

ellen wrote:

> talk about timely. i've been spending the day wondering if every
> woman who has been married a long time reaches a point where she
> yearns to be single...

I suspect that every woman in a relationship with a man sometimes
views him as an alien species, and wonders how she came to share
her space with such a creature. And vice versa. What gets me
through those moments is my recognition that the face I see in
the mirror has a few warts on it too, and I know that sometimes
what I do is a bit incomprehensible to him. (But rarely, and
mostly due to his limited intellect, of course. <G>)

> the only other thing that i'll say is that today's fight involves
> references to the 3 stooges & farts.

Now you've really piqued my curiosity! (Which obligates you to
say precisely nothing, of course... but 3 stooges and farts????)

> thanks for some laughs,
> but still wondering,
> ellen


Glad it gave you some laughs!

FurPaw

--
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
those who are cold and are not clothed."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

To reply, unleash the dog.

FurPaw wrote the following on 8/4/2007 9:45 PM:
> ellen wrote:

>> the only other thing that i'll say is that today's fight involves
>> references to the 3 stooges & farts.
>
> Now you've really piqued my curiosity! (Which obligates you to
> say precisely nothing, of course... but 3 stooges and farts????)

This reminds me of a camping trip I was on a number of years ago. The
site next to ours held 3 20-something guys, one with a young child. On
the first night they apparently went out to hit a bar (or two, or three)
and came roaring back into the campground, horn honking and voices
yelling, sometime after 2:00 AM. Once they had settled into their tent
they proceeded to have a long conversation, punctuated with many
examples, about farting.

After an hour they finally quieted down, and we heaved sighs of relief as
we prepared to go back to sleep.

Until the snoring started...

Karen R.

On Aug 5, 4:20 am, "Karen R." <kre...@gmail.com> wrote:
> FurPaw wrote the following on 8/4/2007 9:45 PM:
>
> > ellen wrote:
> >> the only other thing that i'll say is that today's fight involves
> >> references to the 3 stooges & farts.
>
> > Now you've really piqued my curiosity! (Which obligates you to
> > say precisely nothing, of course... but 3 stooges and farts????)
>
> This reminds me of a camping trip I was on a number of years ago. The
> site next to ours held 3 20-something guys, one with a young child. On
> the first night they apparently went out to hit a bar (or two, or three)
> and came roaring back into the campground, horn honking and voices
> yelling, sometime after 2:00 AM. Once they had settled into their tent
> they proceeded to have a long conversation, punctuated with many
> examples, about farting.
>
> After an hour they finally quieted down, and we heaved sighs of relief as
> we prepared to go back to sleep.
>
> Until the snoring started...
>
> Karen R.

I assume it was the underage child who was the designated driver....?

JustGB

JustGB wrote the following on 8/5/2007 1:13 AM:
> On Aug 5, 4:20 am, "Karen R." <kre...@gmail.com> wrote:

>> This reminds me of a camping trip I was on a number of years ago. The
>> site next to ours held 3 20-something guys, one with a young child. On
>> the first night they apparently went out to hit a bar (or two, or three)
>> and came roaring back into the campground, horn honking and voices
>> yelling, sometime after 2:00 AM. Once they had settled into their tent
>> they proceeded to have a long conversation, punctuated with many
>> examples, about farting.
>>
>> After an hour they finally quieted down, and we heaved sighs of relief as
>> we prepared to go back to sleep.
>>
>> Until the snoring started...
>>
>> Karen R.
>
> I assume it was the underage child who was the designated driver....?

That would explain the brakes squealing as they slammed into the campsite...

We had our revenge. We were camping with another family whose son is more
classically autistic than our daughter. Though mostly non-verbal, he is
also an amazing mimic. Our 'adjacent' sites were separated by a meadow,
so it was a hike to get between them. Their son woke up early and headed
over to our site, where we were still being serenaded by loud snores. The
boy wandered around our site, re-fighting WWII, complete with plane
crashes and bombs dropping. It was enough to wake the guys up, with us
cheering our friend all the way.

Karen R.

On Aug 5, 9:38 am, "Karen R." <kre...@gmail.com> wrote:
> JustGB wrote the following on 8/5/2007 1:13 AM:
>
>
>
> > On Aug 5, 4:20 am, "Karen R." <kre...@gmail.com> wrote:
> >> This reminds me of a camping trip I was on a number of years ago. The
> >> site next to ours held 3 20-something guys, one with a young child. On
> >> the first night they apparently went out to hit a bar (or two, or three)
> >> and came roaring back into the campground, horn honking and voices
> >> yelling, sometime after 2:00 AM. Once they had settled into their tent
> >> they proceeded to have a long conversation, punctuated with many
> >> examples, about farting.
>
> >> After an hour they finally quieted down, and we heaved sighs of relief as
> >> we prepared to go back to sleep.
>
> >> Until the snoring started...
>
> >> Karen R.
>
> > I assume it was the underage child who was the designated driver....?
>
> That would explain the brakes squealing as they slammed into the campsite...
>
> We had our revenge. We were camping with another family whose son is more
> classically autistic than our daughter. Though mostly non-verbal, he is
> also an amazing mimic. Our 'adjacent' sites were separated by a meadow,
> so it was a hike to get between them. Their son woke up early and headed
> over to our site, where we were still being serenaded by loud snores. The
> boy wandered around our site, re-fighting WWII, complete with plane
> crashes and bombs dropping. It was enough to wake the guys up, with us
> cheering our friend all the way.
>
> Karen R.


having camped next to those same guys, please thank that boy for me.

ellen

On Aug 4, 9:45 pm, FurPaw <furrealpaw...@gmail.com> wrote:
> ellen wrote:
> > talk about timely. i've been spending the day wondering if every
> > woman who has been married a long time reaches a point where she
> > yearns to be single...
>
> I suspect that every woman in a relationship with a man sometimes
> views him as an alien species, and wonders how she came to share
> her space with such a creature. And vice versa. What gets me
> through those moments is my recognition that the face I see in
> the mirror has a few warts on it too, and I know that sometimes
> what I do is a bit incomprehensible to him. (But rarely, and
> mostly due to his limited intellect, of course. <G>)
>
> > the only other thing that i'll say is that today's fight involves
> > references to the 3 stooges & farts.
>
> Now you've really piqued my curiosity! (Which obligates you to
> say precisely nothing, of course... but 3 stooges and farts????)
>
> > thanks for some laughs,
> > but still wondering,
> > ellen
>
> Glad it gave you some laughs!
>
> FurPaw
>
> --
> "Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
> every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
> a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
> those who are cold and are not clothed."
> - Dwight D. Eisenhower
>
> To reply, unleash the dog.


alas, the fight was not worthy of detail even with its ridiculous
elements & the fact that it was spun off earlier comments that a
friend had made separately to us about the difference styles of
communication between men & women. which we proceeded,
unintentionally to prove.

it is a fact that we are often alien species to each other & we try to
keep good humor about it. sometimes the temperaments & tempos get in
the way as well. i feel sometimes as if the union is like peter pan
meets sylvia plath; so if i ever write my maritial memoirs i can call
it the 'tinkerbell jar.'

ellen

ellen wrote:
> On Aug 4, 9:45 pm, FurPaw <furrealpaw...@gmail.com> wrote:
>> ellen wrote:
>>> talk about timely. i've been spending the day wondering if every
>>> woman who has been married a long time reaches a point where she
>>> yearns to be single...
>> I suspect that every woman in a relationship with a man sometimes
>> views him as an alien species, and wonders how she came to share
>> her space with such a creature. And vice versa. What gets me
>> through those moments is my recognition that the face I see in
>> the mirror has a few warts on it too, and I know that sometimes
>> what I do is a bit incomprehensible to him. (But rarely, and
>> mostly due to his limited intellect, of course. <G>)
>>
>>> the only other thing that i'll say is that today's fight involves
>>> references to the 3 stooges & farts.
>> Now you've really piqued my curiosity! (Which obligates you to
>> say precisely nothing, of course... but 3 stooges and farts????)
>>
>>> thanks for some laughs,
>>> but still wondering,
>>> ellen
>> Glad it gave you some laughs!
>>
>> FurPaw
>>
>> --
>> "Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
>> every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
>> a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
>> those who are cold and are not clothed."
>> - Dwight D. Eisenhower
>>
>> To reply, unleash the dog.
>
>
> alas, the fight was not worthy of detail even with its ridiculous
> elements & the fact that it was spun off earlier comments that a
> friend had made separately to us about the difference styles of
> communication between men & women. which we proceeded,
> unintentionally to prove.
>
> it is a fact that we are often alien species to each other & we try to
> keep good humor about it. sometimes the temperaments & tempos get in
> the way as well. i feel sometimes as if the union is like peter pan
> meets sylvia plath; so if i ever write my maritial memoirs i can call
> it the 'tinkerbell jar.'
>
> ellen
>


Now *I'd* read that!
8~)



--
pax,
ruth


Save trees AND money! Buy used books!
http://stores.ebay.com/Noir-and-More-Books-and-Trains

ellen wrote:

> having camped next to those same guys, please thank that boy for me.

I will. We'll be camping together again soon, in real adjacent sites. I
love the new computer reservation systems, where you can see an actual
map of the campground and select your sites. Back when we did the fart
and snore trip campers had to call and ask for available sites and trust
the person making the reservation. Which is how we ended up in sites
that had adjacent numbers, but with a large meadow between them. It
would have been much better to have the meadow between us and those guys.

Karen R.

ellen wrote:

> it is a fact that we are often alien species to each other & we try to
> keep good humor about it. sometimes the temperaments & tempos get in
> the way as well. i feel sometimes as if the union is like peter pan
> meets sylvia plath; so if i ever write my maritial memoirs i can call
> it the 'tinkerbell jar.'

ROFL!

FurPaw


--
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched,
every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed,
those who are cold and are not clothed."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

To reply, unleash the dog.