Bad thoughts

Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
many years.

Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
"I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
that.

I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
deal with.

I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
wound up sleeping for several hours.

Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
very sad.

Phin

On Wed, 21 Feb 2007 06:25:49 GMT, Phin <someone@somewhere.net> wrote:

>Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
>fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
>up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
>sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
>to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
>prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
>feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
>pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
>thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
>deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
>many years.
>
>Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
>"I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
>like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
>disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
>that.
>
>I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
>I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
>healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
>make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
>hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
>deal with.
>
>I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
>myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
>I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
>there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
>and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
>softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
>back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
>and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
>wound up sleeping for several hours.
>
>Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
>gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
>Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
>hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
>very sad.
>
>Phin

I wanted to say that I really don't want to try and kill myself
because that is something that is a very heavy thing and can be very
hard to pull off and should not be taken lightly cuz I have known and
heard of people who try to do it and they wind up in much much worse
situations than what caused them to try and kill themselves. They fuck
it up. And I don't want that to happen.

When I see my death sometimes I see it as being overrun by others.
Like a lot of forces just storming into my apartment and killnig me
very quickly and violently and at that time I'm rather dejected and
resigned and bummed out about it and don't try to fight it because
there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Phin

On Wed, 21 Feb 2007 06:34:58 GMT, Phin <someone@somewhere.net> wrote:

>On Wed, 21 Feb 2007 06:25:49 GMT, Phin <someone@somewhere.net> wrote:
>
>>Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
>>fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
>>up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
>>sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
>>to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
>>prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
>>feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
>>pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
>>thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
>>deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
>>many years.
>>
>>Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
>>"I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
>>like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
>>disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
>>that.
>>
>>I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
>>I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
>>healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
>>make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
>>hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
>>deal with.
>>
>>I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
>>myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
>>I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
>>there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
>>and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
>>softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
>>back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
>>and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
>>wound up sleeping for several hours.
>>
>>Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
>>gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
>>Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
>>hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
>>very sad.
>>
>>Phin
>
>I wanted to say that I really don't want to try and kill myself
>because that is something that is a very heavy thing and can be very
>hard to pull off and should not be taken lightly cuz I have known and
>heard of people who try to do it and they wind up in much much worse
>situations than what caused them to try and kill themselves. They fuck
>it up. And I don't want that to happen.
>
>When I see my death sometimes I see it as being overrun by others.
>Like a lot of forces just storming into my apartment and killnig me
>very quickly and violently and at that time I'm rather dejected and
>resigned and bummed out about it and don't try to fight it because
>there's nothing I can do to stop it.
>
>Phin

And I know that the mental hospitals now are not places to be to heal.
Years past they might have been places to kind of chill out and
stabilize at but the people in them get worse and worse overall and so
they are just these places to really avoid at all costs. Unless you
are a rich person or have very good resources I don't think think they
can help you there so sometimes it's kind of pointless to go. I have
felt that way the past few times afterwards like the whole thing was
just a waste of time in a way. I don't know. The last two times the
doctor kind of scared me and I was convinced that he was secretly into
S&M and stuff like that.

Phin

Phin, they're only thoughts and you can try to get control over them.
Relaxation/meditation is so helpful. I know it sounds too simple.

I get thoughts that run away with me to hell. I have to keep reminding
myself that I can do something about them.

You're right, the hospital and meds are very limited in how much they can
help and the health workers are mostly trained in using drugs. It's not that
they don't want to help. They don't know how. Those drugs can cause the
supersensitivity to noise that you describe. At least they did that to me
when I was taking them.

I'm so sorry you suffer in this way.




"Phin" <someone@somewhere.net> a écrit dans le message de news:
bfont2tqf7a700dpsedhlm6222n368chji@4ax.com...
> Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
> fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
> up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
> sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
> to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
> prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
> feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
> pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
> thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
> deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
> many years.
>
> Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
> "I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
> like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
> disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
> that.
>
> I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
> I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
> healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
> make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
> hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
> deal with.
>
> I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
> myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
> I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
> there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
> and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
> softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
> back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
> and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
> wound up sleeping for several hours.
>
> Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
> gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
> Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
> hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
> very sad.
>
> Phin

On Wed, 21 Feb 2007 09:47:50 +0100, "Katie" <vfolle@yahoo.fr> wrote:

>Phin, they're only thoughts and you can try to get control over them.
>Relaxation/meditation is so helpful. I know it sounds too simple.
>
>I get thoughts that run away with me to hell. I have to keep reminding
>myself that I can do something about them.
>
>You're right, the hospital and meds are very limited in how much they can
>help and the health workers are mostly trained in using drugs. It's not that
>they don't want to help. They don't know how. Those drugs can cause the
>supersensitivity to noise that you describe. At least they did that to me
>when I was taking them.
>
>I'm so sorry you suffer in this way.
>
>

thank you. I'm not really on anything r ight now. I take risperdal
sometimes, very little and sometimes some valium, very little. Today
if I can I'm going to get propanolol to calm me down a bit so I can be
able to go outside. Yesterday was too much. I did do a little
meditating today. I just got up from sleeping and I'm trying to keep
my thoughts quiet like people talking in a movie theater so they don't
start in on their whole verbalization of thoughts trip. That really
gets out of hand and to a point where I can't stop it. It seems like
I'm always having some kind of disturbance, or issue, but the nature
of that issue changes almost from hour to hour so it is very hard to
get a handle on it. Being off meds for me is a little like being
naked, going around naked. It is liberating and it feels like in a way
it's natural state but in another way it feels unnatural it doesn't
feel right I feel very very vulnerable without the meds. Like at any
moment everything is going to fall apart and turn to total shit. Maybe
that is the illness making me feel that way I don't know.

My therapist and another guy in my life in general has tried to get me
to move on from thinking of myself as ill in hopes that it will help
me. Right now I feel very ill.

Phin

I know a lot of those professonals don't know how to help. A lot of
them go into the field to help people and wind up spending 90% of
their time doing paperwork.


>
>
>"Phin" <someone@somewhere.net> a écrit dans le message de news:
>bfont2tqf7a700dpsedhlm6222n368chji@4ax.com...
>> Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
>> fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
>> up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
>> sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
>> to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
>> prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
>> feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
>> pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
>> thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
>> deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
>> many years.
>>
>> Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
>> "I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
>> like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
>> disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
>> that.
>>
>> I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
>> I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
>> healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
>> make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
>> hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
>> deal with.
>>
>> I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
>> myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
>> I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
>> there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
>> and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
>> softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
>> back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
>> and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
>> wound up sleeping for several hours.
>>
>> Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
>> gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
>> Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
>> hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
>> very sad.
>>
>> Phin
>

I do pain meditation.It gives me mentall space.

On Feb 21, 1:34 pm, Phin <some...@somewhere.net> wrote:
>
> thank you. I'm not really on anything r ight now. I take risperdal
> sometimes, very little and sometimes some valium, very little. Today
> if I can I'm going to get propanolol to calm me down a bit so I can be
> able to go outside. Yesterday was too much. I did do a little
> meditating today. I just got up from sleeping and I'm trying to keep
> my thoughts quiet like people talking in a movie theater so they don't
> start in on their whole verbalization of thoughts trip. That really
> gets out of hand and to a point where I can't stop it. It seems like
> I'm always having some kind of disturbance, or issue, but the nature
> of that issue changes almost from hour to hour so it is very hard to
> get a handle on it. Being off meds for me is a little like being
> naked, going around naked. It is liberating and it feels like in a way
> it's natural state but in another way it feels unnatural it doesn't
> feel right I feel very very vulnerable without the meds. Like at any
> moment everything is going to fall apart and turn to total shit. Maybe
> that is the illness making me feel that way I don't know.
>
> My therapist and another guy in my life in general has tried to get me
> to move on from thinking of myself as ill in hopes that it will help
> me. Right now I feel very ill.
>
> Phin
>
> I know a lot of those professonals don't know how to help. A lot of
> them go into the field to help people and wind up spending 90% of
> their time doing paperwork.

FME, most of health professionals just don't care.

You are ill because you have to pay for bad karma, and no meds can
remedy that - the pain will just go elsewhere, but you (or we) have to
PAY. If not in this life, then in next.

The other way is to face your demons and the things that scare you and
pay through prayer and meditation.

The mental illness is not there because God hates you, it is there so
you could reach your full position as a spiritual being. And there is
a price tag attached. You are not meant to be a K-M*art & McD*nalds
person.

You might be ill exactly because you are chosen, blessed and because
God has some great plan especially with you and for you, and through
you. A plan that cannot be fulfilled if you do not succeed reaching
higher spiritual level, and a plan that only you can do.

You have a gift. And higher spiritual level requires a period of
suffering and pain. It is not cheap.

But it's worth it. You will see people who now despise you and mock
you as pitiful beings doomed for programmed life. Not you. But there
is a price to pay for higher reality you experience and other people
call delusion. Part of it can be a delusion, but delusion is only a
distorted higher perception. God is not enjoying your torment and he
would not created, being Love, no thing in vain, and such is certainly
not your suffering. It has a PURPOSE. To build you up.

It is hard to have that in mind for myself also, but sometimes it
helps as a comfort.

Marv

"Phin" <someone@somewhere.net> wrote in message
news:bfont2tqf7a700dpsedhlm6222n368chji@4ax.com...
> Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
> fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
> up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
> sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
> to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
> prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
> feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
> pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
> thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
> deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
> many years.
>
> Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
> "I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
> like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
> disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
> that.
>
> I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
> I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
> healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
> make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
> hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
> deal with.
>
> I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
> myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
> I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
> there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
> and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
> softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
> back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
> and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
> wound up sleeping for several hours.
>
> Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
> gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
> Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
> hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
> very sad.
>
> Phin


Hello Phin,

I've been using meds differently for a few years and rarely use any, but I
also know that they are there for me
if I want a break from stress/distress.

Don't try to steer yourself away from those intrusive thoughts, (that just
gives them energy), just let yourself do something different.

You don't have to accept those thoughts as your own. Some people attribute
the authorship of them to us, but we don't have to accept that.
Alternatively, we can choose to accept that, only if we feel that we can do
something about it, (even if the authorship of the thoughts was not our
own).
You can also choose to hold the thoughts for a while, whilst you consider
what you want to do with the thoughts.

Hope this helps,

best wishes
Judy

On Feb 23, 11:07 am, "Judy" <jal...@easynet.co.uk> wrote:
> "Phin" <some...@somewhere.net> wrote in message
>
> news:bfont2tqf7a700dpsedhlm6222n368chji@4ax.com...
>
>
>
> > Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
> > fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
> > up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
> > sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
> > to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
> > prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
> > feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
> > pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
> > thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
> > deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
> > many years.
>
> > Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
> > "I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
> > like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
> > disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
> > that.
>
> > I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
> > I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
> > healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
> > make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
> > hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
> > deal with.
>
> > I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
> > myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
> > I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
> > there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
> > and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
> > softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
> > back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
> > and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
> > wound up sleeping for several hours.
>
> > Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
> > gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
> > Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
> > hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
> > very sad.
>
> > Phin
>
> Hello Phin,
>
> I've been using meds differently for a few years and rarely use any, but I
> also know that they are there for me
> if I want a break from stress/distress.
>
> Don't try to steer yourself away from those intrusive thoughts, (that just
> gives them energy), just let yourself do something different.
>
> You don't have to accept those thoughts as your own. Some people attribute
> the authorship of them to us, but we don't have to accept that.
> Alternatively, we can choose to accept that, only if we feel that we can do
> something about it, (even if the authorship of the thoughts was not our
> own).
> You can also choose to hold the thoughts for a while, whilst you consider
> what you want to do with the thoughts.
>
> Hope this helps,
>
> best wishes
> Judy

Hi, Judy, this is a very good advice. I wonder where would you find
strength to move your mind onto something else, when a bunch of
roaches is mocking you, interpreting your thoughts, confessions,
twisting any perverting everything you think or say ...

I try to simply think that it goes "in the line of duty", and that man
must accept that they are what they are and that man cannot change
them.

Your advice is a very wise one, it is just that my mind automatically
returns to hurt when new intrusive thought comes.

Marv

"Marvin Barley" <mtodorov3_69@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1172565892.684531.12100@h3g2000cwc.googlegrou ps.com...
>> Hello Phin,
>>
>> I've been using meds differently for a few years and rarely use any, but
>> I
>> also know that they are there for me
>> if I want a break from stress/distress.
>>
>> Don't try to steer yourself away from those intrusive thoughts, (that
>> just
>> gives them energy), just let yourself do something different.
>>
>> You don't have to accept those thoughts as your own. Some people
>> attribute
>> the authorship of them to us, but we don't have to accept that.
>> Alternatively, we can choose to accept that, only if we feel that we can
>> do
>> something about it, (even if the authorship of the thoughts was not our
>> own).
>> You can also choose to hold the thoughts for a while, whilst you consider
>> what you want to do with the thoughts.
>>
>> Hope this helps,
>>
>> best wishes
>> Judy
>
> Hi, Judy, this is a very good advice. I wonder where would you find
> strength to move your mind onto something else, when a bunch of
> roaches is mocking you, interpreting your thoughts, confessions,
> twisting any perverting everything you think or say ...
>
> I try to simply think that it goes "in the line of duty", and that man
> must accept that they are what they are and that man cannot change
> them.
>
> Your advice is a very wise one, it is just that my mind automatically
> returns to hurt when new intrusive thought comes.
>
> Marv




Experience has taught me (my own experience and the experience I've gained
from observing others)
that when one doesn't believe that something is possible, one doesn't even
try.

and currently, I'm a woman.

Sincerely,

Judy

On 21 feb, 07:25, Phin <some...@somewhere.net> wrote:
> Quite a lot of the time when I go outside I am so distressed I will
> fantasize very much and very intensely of some faceless person coming
> up and blowing my brains out of my head with a gun. I have seen this
> sort of thing in movies. This thought is at the same time pretty scary
> to me but also kind of a comfort at the same time. Because the
> prospect of it means that if it happens the distress and pain I am
> feeling will end cuz I see the brains, the head, as the source of the
> pain and distress I am feeling. This is sort of a bad intrusive
> thought for me that is pretty relentless sometimes and very hard to
> deal with quite frequently. This has been going on for a long time,
> many years.
>
> Lately I kind of want to steer away from these type of thoughts like
> "I want to die, I want to leave" and not indulge in them cuz I feel
> like the body will hear that and I could wind up with some sort of bad
> disease like lymph cancer all through my body and I really don't want
> that.
>
> I think a lot of the time that they want you to take these meds (which
> I'm largely off of) not really because the meds will make you a
> healther and happier person but that the meds kind of dope you up and
> make it so you're just less trouble for the system, that you're not so
> hard to deal with for them. The system has quite a lot of trouble to
> deal with.
>
> I had kind of a bad day today cuz I did the right thing and forced
> myself to go outside for a few hours and even do some walking and then
> I made some phone calls I needed to make. A lot of the noises out
> there, very simple every day noises really drove me crazy ultimately
> and were like rats inside my head. Just things like people talking
> softly around me. I got rather agitated and upset from it. So I came
> back to my place in the afternoon which is still and dark and quiet
> and I took a valium and rested to try and calm down from it all and I
> wound up sleeping for several hours.
>
> Sometimes I see what is happening as the outside situation getting
> gradually worse and the inside situation getting weaker or something.
> Like everything is getting worse and I can't stop it no matter how
> hard I try to. And it makes me feel rather helpless and hopeless and
> very sad.
>
> Phin

That is awfull Phin to live in such fear for something that will
never happen. I never have such thoughts and feel save everywhere
I go.

Berty