There were in my life that I thought myself has being
autistic a tendency, a lot, I wasn't all that friendly to
make up be a friend with, phobic being around new
people,,instantly avoided look inthe others eyes, to a
straingers,, riding in the sub or train or in the bus, tried
very hard not to look inthe eyes of straingers, don't
have to, hoped that others are not seeing in my eyes
can replace being only extrimely shy and anxious how
to communicate. Only people who are attentitively
talkative I felt alright to look in the eyes, but seems so
hard to keepup a friend, feeling hard to catching up with
seen all the friend to be going along with their life.
I am probably a dyslexic, hard to explain the anxiety,
hid the part.
There were few people to know got along were dyslexic,
we didn't have to speak to each other so much that we
felt our emotions, was the first time I heard about the
dyslexic, thought myself, that's it for me, there were a
time when write a charactor both Japanese and English,
the partial word gets reversed without a extra attention,
I would still write a letter D reversed and think which is
proper, just like people forgets their umbrella left behind.
When reading there are so much intencity with my eyes.
I guess I managed to getting through with that extra
attentions. My family no one knows about anything of
dyslexia or autism, some my family memeber are
probably had autistic element. I always felt something
is missing in my mind were hard to explain.
I don't see myself as disable or in my case be very mild
dyslexic.
Surely I ended up bein Paranoid Schizophrnic that
living in the own world
I like that, discover
own sexuality engine
with a gears
and leave it get out
to find how outer world
shapen your world
hanging it's own world
of communication
seen all the world away
from own world. welcome
to my room there be
no conflict
when not welcomed
it's a shut off world
shapen the world
It's impossible to face to face
over things not in common
and It's possible face to face
what we have that in common
in the world
In the quiet,, not in the silence because there were a
lot of emotions,, I had a lot of tease, #she is not even
say a boo uoo!# "say something,, " , whenever I don't
have to speak, I don't have to and people got curious
asked explain what I am... and was very difficult,,, what
I am is what I am, those years of having a difficult to
commmunicate with lite emotions,, and bust with huge
emotions, saw myself what is blocking for speak out
with a proper words ,, I did so hard to voice out,,, I don't
have any difficulity to communicate but,, not for long time
becasue all my attention focus on when to end the
communication feel that I can't be so emotional to keep
up with, and I feel drained after word and don't want to
be going through that intence focus on be a good talker
whatever and intence focus on listenn to what others
saying, listen with so much intencity needed focus what
am at from moving school to a school.
that I am not autisic, able to say that I am dyslexic
bipolar.
I went SVA,, I loved the place that I didn't want to leave
there, especialy,, the studio, like to go back there get a
master to just be there.
My Schizophrenia came hit me from very outside,
my mind went wild. Beside in the college were the signs
and coincidents get started from bipolar was mere
additional thing that I was more interested what's outside,
going on being Schizophrenic with. Being in the studio
was the place,, sanctuary.
It was real good that I came back to Japan, I love America,
but the televisions probably are bit noizy at everychannel
there I guess that's would have me all going psychoses
ends up in the mental hospital to get quiet enviorment.
I love to go back there to live not just visit, but, I can
see myself ends up in the hospital. Being here given
the place to live a perfect place kind of living that I dreamd
of. I don't want to even thought of another move to
come that change to come in ten years, that is move to
another place final resting place be alive right near here.
I rather stay in distance and watch and read what's going
on in the quiet neigborhood.
Tracing way back,, though , again a bipoler and need
that paranoia to get back at, again ,, so much stresses
that I had been marked and being stalked and watched
trickery on mind....... still steal stool still still still when
only tracing back at. Nanoyo.
extra attention 
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