life as an impossible equation (at this moment)

I have to live with my mother because I'm not working at the moment. I
had a rare tumor and now am quite handicapped, and searching for a
special job that suits me. Moreover I've always been psychotic.

My mother is a monster. I can understand her (she had a rough
education, she's very old, etc.) but I can't yet forgive her.
I do housework, but yesterday she wanted to cook with an olive oil
with which she cooked some beef weeks ago: she doesn't want me to wash
her pans after her cooking (she probably meditates to re-use the oil,
and spare something - she lived in poverty when she was very young).
So yesterday I felt lot of rage against her, and told her I can't eat
mould for several reasons. She didn't understand. She better
understands my older brothers (i've got plenty of older brothers). One
of them told her fire-words as for her malsane behaviour of yesterday.
So i'll always be "the child" till I'll be 114ys-old.
My older brothers (I've only got older ones) are yet too critical
towards me. Someone says that I can't do hard work, someone: "when do
you have the intention to begin working?", someone: "why don't you
study flute at conservatoire?".
Yesterday one of them told me: "you want to save the world,
but.." (????????) (who says that??????)
And told me: "It's so, as if you wanted to climb up the Everest and
you can't even climb up a hill".
Hard words, I can't react at the very moment because my brothers and
father used severe criticism against me when I was a child and then a
boy.

One of the possible solutions could be finding a job, a little little
flat and go away from them. But I'm searching for work and can't find
it immediately. I made an advertisement for me to work as a cleaning
operator (I made that job in my past, besides several other jobs).
Unfortunately I can't stay constantly in a job for more than a year,
sometimes only for some months: mobbing by stupid people, my psy-
fragility, etc.

I also tried to do psychotherapy but it didn't work for several times,
with several therapists, and I don't want to do psychotherapies
anymore.
I only have a talk with a psychiatrist once a month in order to have
pharmacological help: I'm now taking Seroquel 100mg in the morning and
100mg in the evening, Trilafon 4mg in the evening, and a
benzodiazepine before going to bed.

There's obviously despair....in the sense that.....I've always
tried.....I always failed.....and sometimes I feel the must to do
someting that stops in a moment all this - probably - impossible life,
because probably my destiny is telling to me: "Hey, Francesco, don't
you see that?? Don't you see that I only wanted to make you understand
that this time is impossible?? It will be for another time, but not in
this life" (aporia).

Please tell me what you think about that all: my life, family, jobs,
therapies; you can also tell me about your similar experiences.

....Please....please.....help.......

Francesco

On 7 May, 02:09, f_fres...@hotmail.com wrote:
> I have to live with my mother because I'm not working at the moment. I
> had a rare tumor and now am quite handicapped, and searching for a
> special job that suits me. Moreover I've always been psychotic.
>
> My mother is a monster. I can understand her (she had a rough
> education, she's very old, etc.) but I can't yet forgive her.
> I do housework, but yesterday she wanted to cook with an olive oil
> with which she cooked some beef weeks ago: she doesn't want me to wash
> her pans after her cooking (she probably meditates to re-use the oil,
> and spare something - she lived in poverty when she was very young).
> So yesterday I felt lot of rage against her, and told her I can't eat
> mould for several reasons. She didn't understand. She better
> understands my older brothers (i've got plenty of older brothers). One
> of them told her fire-words as for her malsane behaviour of yesterday.
> So i'll always be "the child" till I'll be 114ys-old.
> My older brothers (I've only got older ones) are yet too critical
> towards me. Someone says that I can't do hard work, someone: "when do
> you have the intention to begin working?", someone: "why don't you
> study flute at conservatoire?".
> Yesterday one of them told me: "you want to save the world,
> but.." *(????????) (who says that??????)
> And told me: "It's so, as if you wanted to climb up the Everest and
> you can't even climb up a hill".
> Hard words, I can't react at the very moment because my brothers and
> father used severe criticism against me when I was a child and then a
> boy.
>
> One of the possible solutions could be finding a job, a little little
> flat and go away from them. But I'm searching for work and can't find
> it immediately. I made an advertisement for me to work as a cleaning
> operator (I made that job in my past, besides several other jobs).
> Unfortunately I can't stay constantly in a job for more than a year,
> sometimes only for some months: mobbing by stupid people, my psy-
> fragility, etc.
>
> I also tried to do psychotherapy but it didn't work for several times,
> with several therapists, and I don't want to do psychotherapies
> anymore.
> I only have a talk with a psychiatrist once a month in order to have
> pharmacological help: I'm now taking Seroquel 100mg in the morning and
> 100mg in the evening, Trilafon 4mg in the evening, and a
> benzodiazepine before going to bed.
>
> There's obviously despair....in the sense that.....I've always
> tried.....I always failed.....and sometimes I feel the must to do
> someting that stops in a moment all this - probably - impossible life,
> because probably my destiny is telling to me: "Hey, Francesco, don't
> you see that?? Don't you see that I only wanted to make you understand
> that this time is impossible?? It will be for another time, but not in
> this life" (aporia).
>
> Please tell me what you think about that all: my life, family, jobs,
> therapies; you can also tell me about your similar experiences.
>
> ...Please....please.....help.......
>
> Francesco

Hi, Francesco

Although I only have the psychosis part and am not physically
disabled, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.
I am fostered, and while I do love my foster parents and know they are
only doing things the way they know how,
I find that my mum is paticular can be very demanding and controlling
and I have often felt like you that I will be the
child of the family till I am 100+ too.

It as if every little thing I do I am doing wrong or should be doing a
different way, I can't just see her without her picking up on things I
have not done "right" in her eyes - even little things like not
wearing the "right" coat or carrying a bag in the "wrong" way. I have
always felt alien to my foster dad, and never really had a proper talk
with him, he is quite quiet and doesn't take much interest in my life
and I feel I have always lacked a father figure. When I said I wanted
to get a job, like you, he suggested things that were nothing like
what I would want or be able to do. I don't think he understands me at
all.

However, I feel that there is reason to always feel hope, and that
things aren't impossible. Try to understand why people do things, even
if we don't agree with them and they get us down. Put any thoughts of
ending it in the way you say out of your mind, and end being around
your mum and brothers by doing what you said and getting your own
place somehow - can't you move to a supported housing or hostel as a
stepping stone?

Going to see a Psychologist didn't work for me, but I find that if you
hold on to the good things about yourself, and know that inside, then
you can start to build a more positive out look - although it is not
easy. You are obviously an intelligent person judging by how
articulate and clear your post is, so try to build your confidence so
you can answer your brothers when they say these negative things to
you, with responses that will make them think twice about whether you
can handle a job or not.

Good Luck!

CW

It's good to see the the freudian image of the controlling mother is
holding true for these illnessess (in my case, she'll deny there's
anything wrong, but my doctor had to tell me before I realized how
manipulative she was).

There was a thing on the Keith Ablow show when it was on (he's a
forensic psychiatrist) about how controlling (domineering) mothers can
psychologically mess up their kids without intentionally meaning to do
such.

BTW-- i'm schizoaffective, and the third one in this reply chain to
have similar issues with family.

Rob

On Wed, 7 May 2008 03:09:37 -0700 (PDT), f_freschi@hotmail.com wrote:

>I have to live with my mother because I'm not working at the moment. I
>had a rare tumor and now am quite handicapped, and searching for a
>special job that suits me. Moreover I've always been psychotic.
>
>My mother is a monster. I can understand her (she had a rough
>education, she's very old, etc.) but I can't yet forgive her.
>I do housework, but yesterday she wanted to cook with an olive oil
>with which she cooked some beef weeks ago: she doesn't want me to wash
>her pans after her cooking (she probably meditates to re-use the oil,
>and spare something - she lived in poverty when she was very young).
>So yesterday I felt lot of rage against her, and told her I can't eat
>mould for several reasons. She didn't understand. She better
>understands my older brothers (i've got plenty of older brothers). One
>of them told her fire-words as for her malsane behaviour of yesterday.
>So i'll always be "the child" till I'll be 114ys-old.
>My older brothers (I've only got older ones) are yet too critical
>towards me. Someone says that I can't do hard work, someone: "when do
>you have the intention to begin working?", someone: "why don't you
>study flute at conservatoire?".
>Yesterday one of them told me: "you want to save the world,
>but.." (????????) (who says that??????)
>And told me: "It's so, as if you wanted to climb up the Everest and
>you can't even climb up a hill".
>Hard words, I can't react at the very moment because my brothers and
>father used severe criticism against me when I was a child and then a
>boy.
>
>One of the possible solutions could be finding a job, a little little
>flat and go away from them. But I'm searching for work and can't find
>it immediately. I made an advertisement for me to work as a cleaning
>operator (I made that job in my past, besides several other jobs).
>Unfortunately I can't stay constantly in a job for more than a year,
>sometimes only for some months: mobbing by stupid people, my psy-
>fragility, etc.
>
>I also tried to do psychotherapy but it didn't work for several times,
>with several therapists, and I don't want to do psychotherapies
>anymore.
>I only have a talk with a psychiatrist once a month in order to have
>pharmacological help: I'm now taking Seroquel 100mg in the morning and
>100mg in the evening, Trilafon 4mg in the evening, and a
>benzodiazepine before going to bed.
>
>There's obviously despair....in the sense that.....I've always
>tried.....I always failed.....and sometimes I feel the must to do
>someting that stops in a moment all this - probably - impossible life,
>because probably my destiny is telling to me: "Hey, Francesco, don't
>you see that?? Don't you see that I only wanted to make you understand
>that this time is impossible?? It will be for another time, but not in
>this life" (aporia).
>
>Please tell me what you think about that all: my life, family, jobs,
>therapies; you can also tell me about your similar experiences.
>
>...Please....please.....help.......
>
>Francesco

On May 7, 9:44*pm, Rob <robwilk...@gmail.com> wrote:
> It's good to see the the freudian image of the controlling mother is
> holding true for these illnessess (in my case, she'll deny there's
> anything wrong, but my doctor had to tell me before I realized how
> manipulative she was). *
>
> There was a thing on the Keith Ablow show when it was on (he's a
> forensic psychiatrist) about how controlling (domineering) mothers can
> psychologically mess up their kids without intentionally meaning to do
> such.
>
> BTW-- i'm schizoaffective, and the third one in this reply chain to
> have similar issues with family.
>
> Rob
>
>
>
> On Wed, 7 May 2008 03:09:37 -0700 (PDT), f_fres...@hotmail.com wrote:
> >I have to live with my mother because I'm not working at the moment. I
> >had a rare tumor and now am quite handicapped, and searching for a
> >special job that suits me. Moreover I've always been psychotic.
>
> >My mother is a monster. I can understand her (she had a rough
> >education, she's very old, etc.) but I can't yet forgive her.
> >I do housework, but yesterday she wanted to cook with an olive oil
> >with which she cooked some beef weeks ago: she doesn't want me to wash
> >her pans after her cooking (she probably meditates to re-use the oil,
> >and spare something - she lived in poverty when she was very young).
> >So yesterday I felt lot of rage against her, and told her I can't eat
> >mould for several reasons. She didn't understand. She better
> >understands my older brothers (i've got plenty of older brothers). One
> >of them told her fire-words as for her malsane behaviour of yesterday.
> >So i'll always be "the child" till I'll be 114ys-old.
> >My older brothers (I've only got older ones) are yet too critical
> >towards me. Someone says that I can't do hard work, someone: "when do
> >you have the intention to begin working?", someone: "why don't you
> >study flute at conservatoire?".
> >Yesterday one of them told me: "you want to save the world,
> >but.." *(????????) (who says that??????)
> >And told me: "It's so, as if you wanted to climb up the Everest and
> >you can't even climb up a hill".
> >Hard words, I can't react at the very moment because my brothers and
> >father used severe criticism against me when I was a child and then a
> >boy.
>
> >One of the possible solutions could be finding a job, a little little
> >flat and go away from them. But I'm searching for work and can't find
> >it immediately. I made an advertisement for me to work as a cleaning
> >operator (I made that job in my past, besides several other jobs).
> >Unfortunately I can't stay constantly in a job for more than a year,
> >sometimes only for some months: mobbing by stupid people, my psy-
> >fragility, etc.
>
> >I also tried to do psychotherapy but it didn't work for several times,
> >with several therapists, and I don't want to do psychotherapies
> >anymore.
> >I only have a talk with a psychiatrist once a month in order to have
> >pharmacological help: I'm now taking Seroquel 100mg in the morning and
> >100mg in the evening, Trilafon 4mg in the evening, and a
> >benzodiazepine before going to bed.
>
> >There's obviously despair....in the sense that.....I've always
> >tried.....I always failed.....and sometimes I feel the must to do
> >someting that stops in a moment all this - probably - impossible life,
> >because probably my destiny is telling to me: "Hey, Francesco, don't
> >you see that?? Don't you see that I only wanted to make you understand
> >that this time is impossible?? It will be for another time, but not in
> >this life" (aporia).
>
> >Please tell me what you think about that all: my life, family, jobs,
> >therapies; you can also tell me about your similar experiences.
>
> >...Please....please.....help.......
>
> >Francesco- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

Dear CW and Rob thanks really!

I'm considering about some good ideas in your words, and doing some
meditating.

I hope to write you here tomorrow,

thanks again

Francesco

"Stop it! I'm a psychotic and NOT a deficient!!" - I told my brother
today - " try to recommend someone else, I don't need someone telling
me my agenda for the day after; each day, each day, in an asphyxiating
manner!!". Before that he asked me "At what hour do you have this, at
what hour that tomorrow?".
When I was studying at lycaeum he wanted to enter into my school as
teacher of philosophy, I was studying so gladly before he arrived, I
had good marks in all the subjects..... and then he arrived and wanted
to have frequent speeches with my teachers (about me). I began to fall
in a dark crisis, crisis of weeping-laughter during lessons,
difficulties in deglutition, difficulty in concentration, and so on.

Another brother, that one that told me about "saving the world".....I
told him "try to think over the matter of 'saving the world': is that
a your own idea, a production of your own, all yours??". He told me:
"I take note of that"

I do want to bring legal action against them all.

Is there anyone here who ever brought legal action agains his/her own
family?

Francesco

Or perhaps it's simply impossible.

I have only got TERRIBLE PAIN and i'm
crying............................................ ............

On May 8, 5:37*pm, f_fres...@hotmail.com wrote:
> "Stop it! I'm a psychotic and NOT a deficient!!" - I told my brother
> today - " try to recommend someone else, I don't need someone telling
> me my agenda for the day after; each day, each day, in an asphyxiating
> manner!!". Before that he asked me "At what hour do you have this, at
> what hour that tomorrow?".
> When I was studying at lycaeum he wanted to enter into my school as
> teacher of philosophy, I was studying so gladly before he arrived, I
> had good marks in all the subjects..... and then he arrived and wanted
> to have frequent speeches with my teachers (about me). I began to fall
> in a dark crisis, crisis of weeping-laughter during lessons,
> difficulties in deglutition, difficulty in concentration, and so on.
>
> Another brother, that one that told me about "saving the world".....I
> told him "try to think over the matter of 'saving the world': is that
> a your own idea, a production of your own, all yours??". He told me:
> "I take note of that"
>
> I do want to bring legal action against them all.
>
> Is there anyone here who ever brought legal action agains his/her own
> family?
>
> Francesco



Or perhaps it's impossible

I've only got TERRIBLE PAIN and I'm
crying............................................ ..........................