I used felt that I had been observed feel being focused attention on
them and usualy it, because the way the Schizophrenics eyes are yet all
seen eyes of delusional, I had the sideeffect of up bringing being in
the othersideness are hard to get rid off, sensing being looked at
being observed at, unless active out attention intentionaly being a
NORMAL a kindness nothing usual a social wise.
I am too cheap or expansive when share the various emotions
practicality. It's that I am not aware of how depressive I am where
I am not aware of how depressed I am and the others are not.
In the paranoid depressing mode of act normal,
I am not comfortable being in loved by someone who has so much
attention to give more light on my presence and get to know more about
nothing the someone who are always ready to socialize.
It's alright surounded with strangers not to be acustomed with the
people it's when time comes, but nothing unusual where a contact
exchange a word or two, it's an intentional superficial curious get
to know , it is a pain in the ass when one needs to pushed to be a
social, paranoid security on my part be secured being a free single
person where I am not married with kids and husband and most of them
are.
A single or married, it's a living in the two different world.
It's just that I had seen the otherside, being experiencced in hell
life of being Schizophrenia,, I see married people with their own
family are all in heaven with an angels watching protecting them. My
naiveness peeps and It's too much to share what I really am not,
them, I may not that naive with them, where I am just be myself, that
I talk and act very rough and tough that might hurt our very being
The fact is that I don't care, and I have my very reason to be right
how I care for them. I don't really care if they give a look of an
ugly thing, the delusional paranoia look on me that where is this
person eyes came out from maybe too much to be mysterious the extra
tentions are unnacessary that I realized. I care too much of how
people see me without knowing who is looking at what, that may
probably I am paranoid only looking at the surface. Let being of a
surface with a surface keep at it, fact making so much easier when
socializing.
That'll soften my eyes without much tensup face muscles out of try to
match practicality. When infront of my eyes blocked to see myself in
the mirror showoff treated like a shit.
Paranoia people are too caught up with how other see them. Being fulll
Schizophrenia might be unotice.
this map of a Friend to be
But for me,, , she is so much of domination over my soul , her soul
devour my spirit. She is, her center of focus that I get nothing from
her and she gets devour my everything, I must not meet her or call her
even email her so often. I hear her saying 50cent saving over
conversation, her taking about the dinner,, Good tonkatsu,,
contradiction...based on always knows how to eat every single day three
meals plus, since a child, but there is a gap a years a decades of
gaps.. and I had changed, not her.... I hate to keep up the unchanged
self being with her had not changed.... she drag down to her little
housewife teacher level I become her unchangable child sings "there
is no one better no competition" out of nowhere, surely get nothing
and I gets bored over not even pearcing time with her over cigarates
laugh for laugh sake saving her soul correspondence asks for when would
meet again.
Schizo long social anxiety healing 
Linear Mode
