aargh

why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.

sarah

sarahc wrote:
> why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> sarah
>
>Hi Sarah

I'm not sure how long you've been quit for but I'm guessing you a little
into your quit. Stick with it hun as it does get easier. I feel a bit of
a hypocrite writing this as I'm still struggling to get my quit going
but you're half way there so stop thinking you're giving up something
nice because you're not. You obviously like me want to quit otherwise
you wouldn't be on this newsgroup. Seriously stick with the pain because
eventually it will go away. I plan (seriously) to quit tommorow. I'm
sick and tired of being victim to the nicodemon. I hope you'll still be
quit tommorow so that I can take your hand and you can lead me to the
path of freedom.

april
>

On Sat, 23 Jun 2007 23:57:15 +0100, april
<welshladysmum@btinternet.com> wrote:

>sarahc wrote:
>> why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
>> waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
>> trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
>> consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
>> ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>>
>> sarah
>>
>>Hi Sarah
>
>I'm not sure how long you've been quit for but I'm guessing you a little
>into your quit. Stick with it hun as it does get easier. I feel a bit of
>a hypocrite writing this as I'm still struggling to get my quit going
>but you're half way there so stop thinking you're giving up something
>nice because you're not. You obviously like me want to quit otherwise
>you wouldn't be on this newsgroup. Seriously stick with the pain because
>eventually it will go away. I plan (seriously) to quit tommorow. I'm
>sick and tired of being victim to the nicodemon. I hope you'll still be
>quit tommorow so that I can take your hand and you can lead me to the
>path of freedom.
>
>april

Hey, April. I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering
how you're doing. Have you been going to the smoking cessation
clinic? IIRC that was your plan.
See ya tomorrow!!
Sue - wishing April and Sarah the strength and stubbornness it takes
to quit.
>>

sarahc wrote:
> why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> sarah
>
>
>

Sure you can.

Stop buying them.

Stop lighting them.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! YOU CAN DO THIS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

C'mon Sarah -- remember when you quit last time -- that was YOU!

Just DO IT!

Sorry for the caps -- but I've had s couple of drinks.

Cheers and Hugs,
Marvin

--
I don't smoke. I smell like bread. Life is Good.

On Jun 23, 8:12 pm, Marvin The Paranoid Android
<marvinparanoidandr...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> sarahc wrote:
> > why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> > waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> > trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> > consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> > ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> > sarah
>
> Sure you can.
>
> Stop buying them.
>
> Stop lighting them.
>
> BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! YOU CAN DO THIS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
>
> C'mon Sarah -- remember when you quit last time -- that was YOU!
>
> Just DO IT!
>
> Sorry for the caps -- but I've had s couple of drinks.
>
> Cheers and Hugs,
> Marvin
>
> --
> I don't smoke. I smell like bread. Life is Good.

Oh, good grief. Serial quitters. You guys know how it works. There is
no easy way. Just don't put another cancer stick in your mouth. It's
easy - just one day at a time. No smoking for any reason - just don't
smoke. You CAN do this and you know it. JUST DON'T SMOKE!
Hugs,
Pam

On Sat, 23 Jun 2007 18:03:08 -0400, "sarahc"
<sarahcolwell@ntlworld.com> wrote:

>why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
>waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
>trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
>consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
>ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
I did the SAME thing myself in between quits. I watched my next door
neighbor die of lung cancer the week before last. It was ugly enough
to make me feel stupid for wanting one. Yes, I want one. I wanted
one yesterday too, but there were none around. The reason there were
noe around is because I did not buy any. I know from experience that
once you buy a pack, if you do not destroy it and get rid of it
immediately, that particular quit is gone, and you have to put up with
the horrible threes again.
Think of my neighbor dying and crapping his diapers in front of his
horrified daughters, and decide that you do not want to do that.

I want one. I am in a horrible mood tonight, a murderous one, over
the STUPIDEST sillliest thing!!!!!

Wait till you hear this!

You know those stupid "Glad" plastic bins you put food in? Well, I
was putting the dishes away and discovered that..

BAD LANGUAGE FOLLOWS: COURTESY WARNING:
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
They CHANGED the way the COVERS FIT!!!!

Some MARKETING MBA TYPE took their head out from between their
mother's legs long enough to say, "If we do this, the fools will have
to throw away all their old ones and buy all new ones!"
Bastards, you can SHOVE your motherfucking products and i'll use
Stretch Wrap first..Or feed the leftovers to the raccoons before I
give you another nickel!
The fact you would try to pull that on a quitting smoker shows you
have NO VALUE FOR LIFE, you PRICK.

Roll and burn slowly in your Porsche, shreiking, you piece of
Corporate Shit.

Fuck with my kitchen, will you!
____________________________________________

Damn, that was better than the cigarette I wanted.

The Virginia judge gives this rant an 8. Would have liked to have seen more
fuckage to qualify for a 10.
Becky
Three weeks, 15 minutes and 10 seconds. 1050 cigarettes not smoked, saving
$97.70. Life saved: 3 days, 15 hours, 30 minutes.

"THISTime" <Nope@notonusenet.him> wrote in message
news:lrgr73hr5hg13dqgnlt387sh9f3q74vk42@4ax.com...
> On Sat, 23 Jun 2007 18:03:08 -0400, "sarahc"
> <sarahcolwell@ntlworld.com> wrote:
>
>>why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
>>waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
>>trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
>>consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
>>ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>>
> I did the SAME thing myself in between quits. I watched my next door
> neighbor die of lung cancer the week before last. It was ugly enough
> to make me feel stupid for wanting one. Yes, I want one. I wanted
> one yesterday too, but there were none around. The reason there were
> noe around is because I did not buy any. I know from experience that
> once you buy a pack, if you do not destroy it and get rid of it
> immediately, that particular quit is gone, and you have to put up with
> the horrible threes again.
> Think of my neighbor dying and crapping his diapers in front of his
> horrified daughters, and decide that you do not want to do that.
>
> I want one. I am in a horrible mood tonight, a murderous one, over
> the STUPIDEST sillliest thing!!!!!
>
> Wait till you hear this!
>
> You know those stupid "Glad" plastic bins you put food in? Well, I
> was putting the dishes away and discovered that..
>
> BAD LANGUAGE FOLLOWS: COURTESY WARNING:
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> They CHANGED the way the COVERS FIT!!!!
>
> Some MARKETING MBA TYPE took their head out from between their
> mother's legs long enough to say, "If we do this, the fools will have
> to throw away all their old ones and buy all new ones!"
> Bastards, you can SHOVE your motherfucking products and i'll use
> Stretch Wrap first..Or feed the leftovers to the raccoons before I
> give you another nickel!
> The fact you would try to pull that on a quitting smoker shows you
> have NO VALUE FOR LIFE, you PRICK.
>
> Roll and burn slowly in your Porsche, shreiking, you piece of
> Corporate Shit.
>
> Fuck with my kitchen, will you!
> ____________________________________________
>
> Damn, that was better than the cigarette I wanted.
>
>

The Georgia judge gives it an 8.5, although she concurs with Becky
that more f-word useage would have been impressive.

However, you get bonus points for using the phrases "you piece of
corporate shit" and "fuck with my kitchen, will you."


Ashley

"sarahc" <sarahcolwell@ntlworld.com> wrote:

>why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
>waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
>trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
>consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
>ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.

Here is a recent post from jojo. You may have missed it and I really
can't think of anything more reasonable than his words at the moment.
I'm sure he won't mind:

--------

For those of you struggling right now... The hardest thing for my
mind to accept was that I was never going to have another cigarette.
It's hard to explain when it clicks, and I don't have the words this
morning to do it justice.

You have to make it your number ONE priority. Number one. Spouse,
family, work, everything has to be second to your quit. No, not for
the rest of your life, but especially during those first 2-3
weeks...man.

And hell yes, it's hard. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever
done, and I have not had an easy life. Yes, your gonna get tired.
After about 4 weeks (for me) I got tired. Damn, I'm tired of
fighting. So tired of getting blindsided by a crave, so tired of
being strong. Then you have to buck up, get refocused and
reenergized, and go after it again. It not as hard as hell week, but
it is, cause your tired.

Then there is this. There comes that day..... When you smell
cigarette smoke..a whiff from somewhere when your going into a store,
and you hold your breathe instead if inhale. When you hug someone who
smokes and the smell doesn't remind you that you quit, it offends
you. When you leave a movie with a smoker and can't fathom why they
ran out of the theater so fast, then you get outside and say to
yourself, oh...I get it. (and btw, that is a damn fine feeling to
discover triggers erased from your brain) When you do these things
unconsciously, without thought, second nature, your home.

In the real world, I had little support. Oh, my family was proud and
happy, but they...they could never understand why I could throw a big
fucking fit for no reason at all. My love for my spouse is primal,
but we were polar opposites on this. One would think that you would
be on your best behavior at all times with the one you love and
respect above all, yet it's not that way when you crave. The one you
love is the easiest target. Like a bully, when your crave hurts you,
you want others to hurt. Piss off the whole world and go get a
cigarette. My employees simply said.."again?" when I declared my
quit. They had seen me try before, only to make it a day, or maybe
two. I didn't blame them. It hurt, their callousness, but I knew
where it was coming from.

Here, in this cyberspace world of real people, I found help. I could
say anything, I could cry anything, I could scream, want, need, and
hurt, and there was someone here that knew how to help. They reminded
me to laugh, forgive, be forgiven, breathe. heal. I know, I sound
like a heroin addict coming to Jesus, but there are plenty many of
you understand that too.

For you who are struggling, fight harder. Read more. Look at nasty
pictures. Read the COPD stories. Take more breaks, spend more of your
workday learning the poisons in a cigarette than you do working. Come
to understand what you are doing to yourself, your hopes and dreams
for the future are, well, going up in smoke.

Which cigarette will be the one?

Tell me, you who are on day 4 and about to pick up a cigarette and
blow your quit, if you knew the very next cigarette was the one that
made 2 little cells in your left lung begin to multiply at a slightly
higher rate, the cigarette that would define in your chest what
doctors call "pre-cancerous cells", would you light it? Is the crave
your having bad enough to say "fuck it" and start a chain reaction in
your body, two little cells, that will strip you of your health, your
flesh, your family, your friends, your life?

I'm almost crying as I write this to you. Why on earth is 5 months
such a big deal to me? 5 months does not really mean a lot, except
that today's post has brought it all clear a shining in my mind.

Are you ready? Are you still reading?

I'm done.

I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, this is my last quit.

I am overwhelmed. I can't even continue. I really can't...I have to
go. I gotta go take a little walk.

Hugs to all...and my undying, everlasting appreciation.

--
Tihomir
*I don't smoke anymore*

.... Four minus two is one and the same.

On Sat, 23 Jun 2007 18:03:08 -0400, "sarahc"
<sarahcolwell@ntlworld.com> wrote:

>why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
>waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
>trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
>consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
>ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
>sarah
>
Sarah,

I just deleted a ton of words that most here will characterize as
"tough love". I decided I don't know you well enough to say what I
want to say without being taken as a mean person.

I'm on day 2 (maybe day 3 by the time I hit 'send') and it sucks. It's
shit (like I have to tell you this). The problem is that it's shit no
matter what you do. One path, smoking, keeps a grip on you so long as
you do it. The other path leads to freedom. A sense of freedom is
innate to all people and is one of the most treasured feelings of man
kind. You decide which path you are going to take. I've made my
decision and it sucks.... for now. It will suck of months to come, I
know. I do this because I want freedom from smoking. What do you want?

Stop dragging this out any farther than you have to. It's crap to quit
or keep lying about smoking, either way, but one way leads to a better
life and leads to freedom. I don't need to tell you which side I stand
on today. This coming from someone who's had all they can take for one
day. I'm going to bed, thank you very much. I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm there too. It's here, now and very real. Again, I'm going to
bed because I can't take any more today.

Gary W.
--

On 23 Jun, 23:03, "sarahc" <sarahcolw...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> sarah

Hi Sarah
The shock treatment of actually experiencing some one die from cancer
did it for me. When THIS time posted the other day about his neighbor
it brought it all back for me. Tiho is so right when he talks about
that final decision to not smoke, the acceptance of that fact is the
one where you are winning. I dunno what the answer is Sarah to get
*you* there. I think you have to look at yourself in the mirror for a
bit, deep into your own eyes and stop kidding yourself .When I bust my
first quit here I didn't sneak around the garden I came right out and
told everyone in real life, I got over the hoots of derision and the
smart fucking comments and sniggers for people who had seen me quit
times many. I couldn't face these folk in here though so I slipped
quietly away and smoked my fucking hat off like the loser I was.
DON'T end up like that keep trying, keep posting.
You will get there !!
Regards Chris

"sarahc" <sarahcolwell@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:d17090d79348295ecc8ea250ce22a333@localhost.ta lkaboutsupport.com...
> why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> sarah
>
You're doing this because you are a junkie! Start thinking about the
consequences, it may help you to stop hiding from the truth.

GregB
7 years + some

On 24 Jun, 02:25, THISTime <N...@notonusenet.him> wrote:
> On Sat, 23 Jun 2007 18:03:08 -0400, "sarahc"
>
> <sarahcolw...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> >why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> >waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> >trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> >consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> >ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> I did the SAME thing myself in between quits. I watched my next door
> neighbor die of lung cancer the week before last. It was ugly enough
> to make me feel stupid for wanting one. Yes, I want one. I wanted
> one yesterday too, but there were none around. The reason there were
> noe around is because I did not buy any. I know from experience that
> once you buy a pack, if you do not destroy it and get rid of it
> immediately, that particular quit is gone, and you have to put up with
> the horrible threes again.
> Think of my neighbor dying and crapping his diapers in front of his
> horrified daughters, and decide that you do not want to do that.
>
> I want one. I am in a horrible mood tonight, a murderous one, over
> the STUPIDEST sillliest thing!!!!!
>
> Wait till you hear this!
>
> You know those stupid "Glad" plastic bins you put food in? Well, I
> was putting the dishes away and discovered that..
>
> BAD LANGUAGE FOLLOWS: COURTESY WARNING:
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> They CHANGED the way the COVERS FIT!!!!
>
> Some MARKETING MBA TYPE took their head out from between their
> mother's legs long enough to say, "If we do this, the fools will have
> to throw away all their old ones and buy all new ones!"
> Bastards, you can SHOVE your motherfucking products and i'll use
> Stretch Wrap first..Or feed the leftovers to the raccoons before I
> give you another nickel!
> The fact you would try to pull that on a quitting smoker shows you
> have NO VALUE FOR LIFE, you PRICK.
>
> Roll and burn slowly in your Porsche, shreiking, you piece of
> Corporate Shit.
>
> Fuck with my kitchen, will you!
> ____________________________________________
>
> Damn, that was better than the cigarette I wanted.

Top rant !! like the roll and burn *slowly* in the porche bit.
How dare this person fuck with your kitchen the utter bastard. The law
of "fucking with a quitter" clearly states that his dick will fall off
in the next 48 hours so take heart.
Chris

"eightpans" wrote
"sarahc" wrote:

>> Roll and burn slowly in your Porsche, shreiking, you piece of
>> Corporate Shit.

> Top rant !! like the roll and burn *slowly* in the porche bit.

I always thought Sam Kinison's: " I hope you slide under a gas
truck and taste your own blood! Die! Die!" was colorful and to the point.

On 24 jun, 00:03, "sarahc" <sarahcolw...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> sarah

Sarah, who are you really hiding from? You're fooling nobody but
yourself. It's your body, your lungs, YOUR life! There's no one to
convince you are quitting, other than yourself.Don't pain yourself
with images of a painful death either, it only aggravates the anxiety
and stress. Look around you, smell the flowers, imagine how they will
smell without the stench of stale smoke in your nostrils.

Don't hide, you need his support. Especially when you slip. Face it
and learn from it. You can do it, Sarah!

Inky,

Quitting again since Two days, 5 hours, 51 minutes and 13 seconds. 67
stinkers not smoked, saving € 7,14 (that's euros =P ). Life saved: 5
hours, 35 minutes.

>Top rant !! like the roll and burn *slowly* in the porche bit.
>How dare this person fuck with your kitchen the utter bastard. The law
>of "fucking with a quitter" clearly states that his dick will fall off
>in the next 48 hours so take heart.

Thank you. My sources inform me that it did happen.

Sadly, it cannot be reattached, because they did not retrieve it from
his dog's ass in time.

"THISTime" <Nope@notonusenet.him> wrote in message
news:8cqs731f032255na6lov3fm6h3s23vl5a3@4ax.com...
>
>>Top rant !! like the roll and burn *slowly* in the porche bit.
>>How dare this person fuck with your kitchen the utter bastard. The law
>>of "fucking with a quitter" clearly states that his dick will fall off
>>in the next 48 hours so take heart.
>
> Thank you. My sources inform me that it did happen.
>
> Sadly, it cannot be reattached, because they did not retrieve it from
> his dog's ass in time.

Aw, crap. Coffee in my new keyboard.

On 24 Jun, 13:56, THISTime <N...@notonusenet.him> wrote:
> >Top rant !! like the roll and burn *slowly* in the porche bit.
> >How dare this person fuck with your kitchen the utter bastard. The law
> >of "fucking with a quitter" clearly states that his dick will fall off
> >in the next 48 hours so take heart.
>
> Thank you. My sources inform me that it did happen.
>
> Sadly, it cannot be reattached, because they did not retrieve it from
> his dog's ass in time.

Tee hee Nice one!

(((((sarah)))))

Ok...cuddles over. The answer is easy really...stop sticking the
stinking shit sticks in your mouth and you will be a non smoker. I
know it sounds stupid but that's really all there is to it. You have
to be ready to quit and you have to want it more than anything else in
the entire world. And believe me....all the mouthwash and gum in the
world will not hide the fact that you are smoking and I can guarantee
you that your partner knows you are still smoking. Ask for his help.
Smoking is incredibly difficult and you need all the support you can
get in the first few weeks especially. It's difficult and it's
painful and it sometimes makes you feel like you are going insane, but
it is so worth it! Get some support, grow some balls (sorry...but you
need them) and just stopping sticking death sticks in your mouth!!

Stay strong....it *can* be done.

Lots of love
Summer 5M+
xXx
No meter cause I'm posting via google.

On 23 Jun, 23:03, "sarahc" <sarahcolw...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> why am I doing this??? I'm hiding in the fucking garden like a criminal,
> waiting till he's gone to bed, spending a fortune on mouthwash and gum
> trying to pretend I *really* am stopping. I can't even think of the
> consequences of dying like I saw my friend die so painfully three years
> ago. I hate myself but I can't stop. Please help me.
>
> sarah