OT: The homeowners Guide to Basic Tools

THE HOMEOWNERS GUIDE TO BASIC TOOLS

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's
enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a
professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while
trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage
estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches
when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took
you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous
tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's
belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when
you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard with the
incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy
shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a
flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution
90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to
harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and
using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the
house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you
accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job
you're doing or offer advice.

--
Tihomir
*I don't smoke anymore*

Look around for a place to sow a few seeds. - Dyke, Henry Van

Thanks. A good laugh!
Sue

On Thu, 12 Jul 2007 12:24:42 +0200, Tihomir <t-i-h-o_mir@hi.hinet.hr>
wrote:

>THE HOMEOWNERS GUIDE TO BASIC TOOLS
>
>Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's
>enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
>
>Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a
>professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while
>trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
>
>Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage
>estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
>
>Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches
>when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took
>you two weeks to install.
>
>Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous
>tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's
>belt to increase testosterone levels.
>
>Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when
>you point it at yourself.
>
>Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard with the
>incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy
>shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a
>flashlight anyway.
>
>Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution
>90% over a standard plug-in tool.
>
>Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
>
>Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to
>harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and
>using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the
>house.
>
>Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you
>accidentally built completely around yourself.
>
>Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job
>you're doing or offer advice.

Tihomir wrote:
> THE HOMEOWNERS GUIDE TO BASIC TOOLS

And for the more advanced woodworkers/ mechanics/ machinists among us:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "Yeooww; (expletive of your choice) ... !"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing Projects.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, snapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool 10 times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes, hereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name
is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

BLADE SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug
nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

BOX CUTTER: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.