It passed...or rather

*I* passed through IT....
and something happened this evening...
I read all of your responses to my panicky post using the expletitive
F***
Sorry for the use of it in my header. Not like me.

But the thing that happened after I was guided to You Tube for Vids
that will keep me grounded in reality...I opened my own account..and
went vid shopping...
To make a long story short - ...I cried and felt ...I
FELT.....Reconnected to who I was....who I am....and I can feel ME
again. (Maybe I sound crazy to you, but a miracle is taking place
within me..an answer to my prayers)

Smoking was ONE of my addictions...and at this current time in my
life, I am attacking ALL of them....
But for me; its not only the addiction thats the problem...its the
reason BEHIND why I chose to use things/ abuse things that was not
healthy.......and the biggest if not the only real one was...I was
separated from myself over the years....disconnected from ME..and
LIFE.....
and I was out of control.

This evening..I just came back from a walk...and I could SEE THE
CLOUDS !!! - before, the clouds just looked like a
painting...sometimes...a beautiful painting....but there was no LIFE
in it...it just felt like I was looking at a painting...
Life for me, was like looking at a painting..I was disconnected from
it...because I was disconnected from myself.
BUT Tonight...I SAW the clouds...I FELT alive...I felt like I was ON
THE EARTH...and Breathing...
Im coming back to life.
I havent felt this way...well...since I started smoking 16 years ago.
Thank you all so much - YOU REALLY MAY NOT BE AWARE OF HOW...OR WHO
YOU HELP !!
You have all helped me - Im glad I stumbled onto this newsgroup.

With Respect - and Prayers.
Steve

Two weeks, 5 hours, 13 minutes and 21 seconds. 355 cigarettes not
smoked, saving $56.87. Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes.

On Sat, 30 Jun 2007 17:04:30 -0700, SilentNight
<M.BetterOff@gmail.com> wrote:

>..I was
>separated from myself over the years....disconnected from ME..and
>LIFE.....
>and I was out of control.
>
>This evening..I just came back from a walk...and I could SEE THE
>CLOUDS !!! - before, the clouds just looked like a
>painting...sometimes...a beautiful painting....but there was no LIFE
>in it...it just felt like I was looking at a painting...
>Life for me, was like looking at a painting..I was disconnected from
>it...because I was disconnected from myself.
>BUT Tonight...I SAW the clouds...I FELT alive...I felt like I was ON
>THE EARTH...and Breathing...
>Im coming back to life.

I like to rant and kid around but I shall be dead serious here, and go
into Personal Secrets.

In another week your quit will start to get even more pleasant.

When self hatred and the self-punishing destructive urges begin to
fall, those things that started and kept us smoking begin to clear out
of our way.
Self-respect, modified by the humility that we are and will ever be
addicts begins to expand into a reverance for Living, and then one for
Life.
We can breath agin. The little things that were daunting are now all
easy. If we play a sport or jog, or cycle, we find our performance is
beating anything we have ever done before, with only the effort we
make to fight craves. EVERYTHING is easier and more satisfying, and
when this happens, much of the frustration and anger that kept us
killing ourselves begins to reolve, and we pay attention to little
things.
I awaken in the morning without coughing or wheezing..I reach for
something that is not there, and feel a mixture of loss and pride.
I walk about the yard and woods and admire the sunlit dew on a
spiderweb, and watch Life start up. The Redtail Hawk soars hunting.

And I AM INVITED TO JOIN IT.

Sometimes I bring one of my cameras, but usually have my MP3 player.
Kate Wolf's _Medicine Wheel_* needs to be experienced at this time of
day. (Your mileage and ethnicity may vary.) It gives me a good day
that starts with an emotional high.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This is a brand new day, all new, a gift to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Currently downloadable on alt.binaries.mp3.folk- But look, she's
dead, so if you do, be a good sport and go to her familiy's website
and buy something, OK? A gift for a gift.

((((((Steve))))) Very nice post!!
Becky
Four weeks, 11 minutes and 39 seconds. 1400 cigarettes not smoked, saving
$130.24. Life saved: 4 days, 20 hours, 40 minutes.

"SilentNight" <M.BetterOff@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1183248270.751060.130550@o61g2000hsh.googlegr oups.com...
> *I* passed through IT....
> and something happened this evening...
> I read all of your responses to my panicky post using the expletitive
> F***
> Sorry for the use of it in my header. Not like me.
>
> But the thing that happened after I was guided to You Tube for Vids
> that will keep me grounded in reality...I opened my own account..and
> went vid shopping...
> To make a long story short - ...I cried and felt ...I
> FELT.....Reconnected to who I was....who I am....and I can feel ME
> again. (Maybe I sound crazy to you, but a miracle is taking place
> within me..an answer to my prayers)
>
> Smoking was ONE of my addictions...and at this current time in my
> life, I am attacking ALL of them....
> But for me; its not only the addiction thats the problem...its the
> reason BEHIND why I chose to use things/ abuse things that was not
> healthy.......and the biggest if not the only real one was...I was
> separated from myself over the years....disconnected from ME..and
> LIFE.....
> and I was out of control.
>
> This evening..I just came back from a walk...and I could SEE THE
> CLOUDS !!! - before, the clouds just looked like a
> painting...sometimes...a beautiful painting....but there was no LIFE
> in it...it just felt like I was looking at a painting...
> Life for me, was like looking at a painting..I was disconnected from
> it...because I was disconnected from myself.
> BUT Tonight...I SAW the clouds...I FELT alive...I felt like I was ON
> THE EARTH...and Breathing...
> Im coming back to life.
> I havent felt this way...well...since I started smoking 16 years ago.
> Thank you all so much - YOU REALLY MAY NOT BE AWARE OF HOW...OR WHO
> YOU HELP !!
> You have all helped me - Im glad I stumbled onto this newsgroup.
>
> With Respect - and Prayers.
> Steve
>
> Two weeks, 5 hours, 13 minutes and 21 seconds. 355 cigarettes not
> smoked, saving $56.87. Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes.
>

(((((STEVE))))))

I'm so excited for you! I knew you could do it!
I have found that personal breakthroughs like this one continue to
happen for me -- not only because of where I am in life but also
because (and since) I decided to quit. So THIStime is right, it do
indeed get better.

You are indeed coming back to life. And I'm so glad you're here so you
can share it with us.

Hugs!
Ashley

thank you ; THIStime, womderful post. thank you for what you shared,

becky and ashley - thank you both. You both are lovely women - stay
strong...lotsa love - Steve

On Jun 30, 7:37 pm, SilentNight <M.Better...@gmail.com> wrote:
> thank you ; THIStime, womderful post. thank you for what you shared,
>
> becky and ashley - thank you both. You both are lovely women - stay
> strong...lotsa love - Steve

What an amazing share Steve. I know exactly what you mean. And
ThisTime really nailed it! Double Wow! The care and support of the
group, the honesty about what's really going on with our relationship
with the addiction brings a feeling of safety and trust. Self care
instead of self destruct...the basic idea the "I am worth it, dammit"
Humility and power!!!! All great stuff. Thanks for sharing your
journey with us. It helps me keep my quit!
Angie

On 1 Jul, 01:04, SilentNight <M.Better...@gmail.com> wrote:
> *I* passed through IT....
> and something happened this evening...
> I read all of your responses to my panicky post using the expletitive
> F***
> Sorry for the use of it in my header. Not like me.
>
> But the thing that happened after I was guided to You Tube for Vids
> that will keep me grounded in reality...I opened my own account..and
> went vid shopping...
> To make a long story short - ...I cried and felt ...I
> FELT.....Reconnected to who I was....who I am....and I can feel ME
> again. (Maybe I sound crazy to you, but a miracle is taking place
> within me..an answer to my prayers)
>
> Smoking was ONE of my addictions...and at this current time in my
> life, I am attacking ALL of them....
> But for me; its not only the addiction thats the problem...its the
> reason BEHIND why I chose to use things/ abuse things that was not
> healthy.......and the biggest if not the only real one was...I was
> separated from myself over the years....disconnected from ME..and
> LIFE.....
> and I was out of control.
>
> This evening..I just came back from a walk...and I could SEE THE
> CLOUDS !!! - before, the clouds just looked like a
> painting...sometimes...a beautiful painting....but there was no LIFE
> in it...it just felt like I was looking at a painting...
> Life for me, was like looking at a painting..I was disconnected from
> it...because I was disconnected from myself.
> BUT Tonight...I SAW the clouds...I FELT alive...I felt like I was ON
> THE EARTH...and Breathing...
> Im coming back to life.
> I havent felt this way...well...since I started smoking 16 years ago.
> Thank you all so much - YOU REALLY MAY NOT BE AWARE OF HOW...OR WHO
> YOU HELP !!
> You have all helped me - Im glad I stumbled onto this newsgroup.
>
> With Respect - and Prayers.
> Steve
>
> Two weeks, 5 hours, 13 minutes and 21 seconds. 355 cigarettes not
> smoked, saving $56.87. Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes.

Hi
Top post Steve, nice back up from *this time* I know what *this time*
says when you get a sense of loss and pride as well as those feelings
and others that smoking pressed down for so long. I get a feeling of
*thank fuck I woke up* relief I suppose then regret that I didn't wake
up sooner but it always (just of late at any rate) ends with a smile.
Chris

Sounds like you have begun a wonderful journey. Relax and enjoy the
ride!

Gary W.
--

On Sat, 30 Jun 2007 17:04:30 -0700, SilentNight
<M.BetterOff@gmail.com> wrote:

>*I* passed through IT....
>and something happened this evening...
>I read all of your responses to my panicky post using the expletitive
>F***
>Sorry for the use of it in my header. Not like me.
>
>But the thing that happened after I was guided to You Tube for Vids
>that will keep me grounded in reality...I opened my own account..and
>went vid shopping...
>To make a long story short - ...I cried and felt ...I
>FELT.....Reconnected to who I was....who I am....and I can feel ME
>again. (Maybe I sound crazy to you, but a miracle is taking place
>within me..an answer to my prayers)
>
>Smoking was ONE of my addictions...and at this current time in my
>life, I am attacking ALL of them....
>But for me; its not only the addiction thats the problem...its the
>reason BEHIND why I chose to use things/ abuse things that was not
>healthy.......and the biggest if not the only real one was...I was
>separated from myself over the years....disconnected from ME..and
>LIFE.....
>and I was out of control.
>
>This evening..I just came back from a walk...and I could SEE THE
>CLOUDS !!! - before, the clouds just looked like a
>painting...sometimes...a beautiful painting....but there was no LIFE
>in it...it just felt like I was looking at a painting...
>Life for me, was like looking at a painting..I was disconnected from
>it...because I was disconnected from myself.
>BUT Tonight...I SAW the clouds...I FELT alive...I felt like I was ON
>THE EARTH...and Breathing...
>Im coming back to life.
>I havent felt this way...well...since I started smoking 16 years ago.
>Thank you all so much - YOU REALLY MAY NOT BE AWARE OF HOW...OR WHO
>YOU HELP !!
>You have all helped me - Im glad I stumbled onto this newsgroup.
>
>With Respect - and Prayers.
>Steve
>
>Two weeks, 5 hours, 13 minutes and 21 seconds. 355 cigarettes not
>smoked, saving $56.87. Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes.

On 1 jul, 02:04, SilentNight <M.Better...@gmail.com> wrote:

> BUT Tonight...I SAW the clouds...I FELT alive...I felt like I was ON
> THE EARTH...and Breathing...

I can so relate to that. After a huge panic relapse in april, I fought
my way back through it. A lot by talking walks outside. At some point
it struck me, that I saw the sky, the grass, I smelled the air. It
meant the beginning of the end of a deep depression. I suppose it's
like hitting rock bottom and waking up.

For me this quit is also part of the big picture of reclaiming my
life.

> Thank you all so much - YOU REALLY MAY NOT BE AWARE OF HOW...OR
> WHO YOU HELP !!

I have a confession to make. I read/post through google and I've read
your other posts too. So, I may not know exactly who you are but I do
know what you've been through. Smoking is part of it, it eases the
pain, or so we think. Same with alcohol or drugs or any substance.. It
takes a lot of hurt to realize that, by abusing them, we keep
ourselves trapped in this destructive cycle, unable to take back
control and break it.

You are on a journey to healing. The road ahead is very bumpy with
many obstacles to tackle. Rant all you want, it is all part of the
healing and letting go. You still got long ways to go to beating
Becky's rants tho. ;-)

On 1 jul, 04:37, SilentNight <M.Better...@gmail.com> wrote:
> thank you ; THIStime, womderful post. thank you for what you shared,
>
> becky and ashley - thank you both. You both are lovely women - stay
> strong...lotsa love - Steve

Steve, this whole day I've been struggling. Any reason seemed to be a
perfectly good reason to get a stinker and smoke one. (thank goodness
I threw them all away!!) After I hit the send button on my other
reply, I realized all "perfectly good reasons" had vanished. Simply by
reading your post, relating and sending what, I hope, are
understanding and caring thoughts. You may not realize or even believe
this but, you help people as well, simply by being here and
posting.

On Jul 1, 7:01 am, Inky <Ink...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On 1 jul, 04:37, SilentNight <M.Better...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > thank you ; THIStime, womderful post. thank you for what you shared,
>
> > becky and ashley - thank you both. You both are lovely women - stay
> > strong...lotsa love - Steve
>
> Steve, this whole day I've been struggling. Any reason seemed to be a
> perfectly good reason to get a stinker and smoke one. (thank goodness
> I threw them all away!!) After I hit the send button on my other
> reply, I realized all "perfectly good reasons" had vanished. Simply by
> reading your post, relating and sending what, I hope, are
> understanding and caring thoughts. You may not realize or even believe
> this but, you help people as well, simply by being here and
> posting.

((((((((((((((((( Inky )))))))))))))))))))))
That made me glad!

Steve! Reading of your breakthrough is powerful and uplifting. I do
agree we tend to mask a lot of feelings with our smoking and don't
realize that until we take the sickerettes away. Feeling really 'in
the world' is a great experience when you have felt that you were on
the outside looking in. I'm glad you shared this with us as we often
tend to overlook the obvious.

FlatironMike
FSSFour months, two weeks, six days, 11 hours, 23 minutes and 13
seconds. 2809 cigarettes not smoked, saving $842.60. Life saved: 1
week, 2 days, 18 hours, 5 minutes.

On Jul 1, 9:53 am, FlatIronMike <FlatironMike...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Steve! Reading of your breakthrough is powerful and uplifting. I do
> agree we tend to mask a lot of feelings with our smoking and don't
> realize that until we take the sickerettes away. Feeling really 'in
> the world' is a great experience when you have felt that you were on
> the outside looking in. I'm glad you shared this with us as we often
> tend to overlook the obvious.
>
> FlatironMike
> FSSFour months, two weeks, six days, 11 hours, 23 minutes and 13
> seconds. 2809 cigarettes not smoked, saving $842.60. Life saved: 1
> week, 2 days, 18 hours, 5 minutes.

Thanks Mike - It aint easy as Im SURE you and everyone else are quite
aware - Im headed out to join a bunch of singles for a Barbque at a
members house - I am BOTH excited and terrified - and MOSTLY....the
what ifs...
Ifs = I mean cravings...........and I KNOW they are gonna
come.......shit..........but I cant isolate myself either...Ive
already been isolated tooooo long.
Just gotta learn how to meet people, and enjoy people WITHOUT LEANING
ON SMELLY CANCEROUS Chemicals that come in what is called cigarettes,
that you light with fire and inhale the smoke, they sell this shit in
a lot of stores. - what they dont tell you is that YOU GET ADDICTED TO
IT......AND............IT KILLS YOU. !!!
Fucking sick people who make this shit, target people to get them
HOOKED on it...and dont give a fuck about it KILLING PEOPLE!

Goota run -....gotta remember...Its a CHOICE....

Steve
Two weeks, 20 hours, 16 minutes and 27 seconds. 371 cigarettes not
smoked, saving $59.38. Life saved: 1 day, 6 hours, 55 minutes.

Lovely post, Steve, as was THIStime's response. I'm so glad that
things are working out for you.
Sue

On Sat, 30 Jun 2007 17:04:30 -0700, SilentNight
<M.BetterOff@gmail.com> wrote:

>*I* passed through IT....
>and something happened this evening...
>I read all of your responses to my panicky post using the expletitive
>F***
>Sorry for the use of it in my header. Not like me.
>
>But the thing that happened after I was guided to You Tube for Vids
>that will keep me grounded in reality...I opened my own account..and
>went vid shopping...
>To make a long story short - ...I cried and felt ...I
>FELT.....Reconnected to who I was....who I am....and I can feel ME
>again. (Maybe I sound crazy to you, but a miracle is taking place
>within me..an answer to my prayers)
>
>Smoking was ONE of my addictions...and at this current time in my
>life, I am attacking ALL of them....
>But for me; its not only the addiction thats the problem...its the
>reason BEHIND why I chose to use things/ abuse things that was not
>healthy.......and the biggest if not the only real one was...I was
>separated from myself over the years....disconnected from ME..and
>LIFE.....
>and I was out of control.
>
>This evening..I just came back from a walk...and I could SEE THE
>CLOUDS !!! - before, the clouds just looked like a
>painting...sometimes...a beautiful painting....but there was no LIFE
>in it...it just felt like I was looking at a painting...
>Life for me, was like looking at a painting..I was disconnected from
>it...because I was disconnected from myself.
>BUT Tonight...I SAW the clouds...I FELT alive...I felt like I was ON
>THE EARTH...and Breathing...
>Im coming back to life.
>I havent felt this way...well...since I started smoking 16 years ago.
>Thank you all so much - YOU REALLY MAY NOT BE AWARE OF HOW...OR WHO
>YOU HELP !!
>You have all helped me - Im glad I stumbled onto this newsgroup.
>
>With Respect - and Prayers.
>Steve
>
>Two weeks, 5 hours, 13 minutes and 21 seconds. 355 cigarettes not
>smoked, saving $56.87. Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes.

SilentNight <M.BetterOff@gmail.com> wrote:

>Two weeks, 5 hours, 13 minutes and 21 seconds. 355 cigarettes not
>smoked, saving $56.87. Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes.

Thanks for the great post Steve! And congratulations on your two weeks
done! That is a major milestone, all the worst things are gone with
these first two weeks.

--
Tihomir
*I don't smoke anymore*

.... Dance naked in front of your pets.