I have it in command from Her Majesty The Queen to announce that one
of her subjects is soon to visit the United States.
You are asked therefore to prepare yourselves for this very important
happening and to afford all due deference and assistance to: Neil
SIMPSON, aka Bully, aka "Super" Bully, together with his entourage.
He is (according to him) an expert in every fucking thing there is to
know, and will happily make himself available to all of you to sort
out all your problems in a trice.
He may appear at times to be a tad bucking tilly (Cockney rhyming
slang for fucking silly), as he does ask questions endlessly, many of
them monosyllabic. However, we believe this is not so much to do with
him being bucking tilly but because he has a very enquiring mind and
seeks always to add to his deep reservoir of knowledge.
Your great country is indeed fortunate to receive this visitation, as
Neil has been excitedly informing all and sundry about his forthcoming
arrival on your shores, and is obviously gearing up to give you all
the benefit of his wonderfully informed experiences. Of course it may
just be the case that he is simply attempting to ingratiate himself
for the purpose of allowing you to reduce his holiday costs by
entertaining him at your expense.
You will obviously not be familiar with English visitors holidaying in
the USA, so this will be a very novel experience for you all. Neil
intends to be active in attending gymnasiums, SCUBA diving, gourmet
eating and drinking and, among a host of other feverish esoteric
activities, will be travelling by road from State to State
demonstrating to you 'colonials' how to drive a car.
He will be easily recognised as according to his visa application (not
verified), he is of very immense physical proportions and looks and
behaves very similarly to the latest actor who plays the screen hero
James Bond. However, our switchboard operator informs us that his
accent is not up to those same high standards, as he speaks with a
very marked 'oop north' dialect and sounds 'reet bloody daft'.
We are delighted to let you have him for while and, between you and
the Queen of England, we are really rather hoping the dopey bugger
doesn't come back - but then that wouldn't be fair on you dear people,
and would absolutely destroy the "special relationship"!!
We (the Royal "we") hope you are suitably impressed with our dearly
beloved Bully!
Given under Command of Her Majesty in this year of her reign 7th March
2007:
Charles Ponsonby SMYTHE, Esquire
Special Envoy and Plenipotentiary Extraordinary
(Acting local unpaid)
Announcement to The United States of America 
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