For my 67th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my college football team 40 yrs ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a
root canal or a vasectomy
My Birthday week 
mpomelet-F5F7CF.12255227072008@news.giganews.com...
Linear Mode
