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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 14, 1998
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a thourghly delightful gift. I couldn't have been
more surprized.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 15, 1998
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two
turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are
just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 16, 1998
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity - three french hens. They are just
darling but I must insist - you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 17, 1998
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they're
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 18, 1998
Dearest John:
What a suprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly,
all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 19, 1998
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my
front steps. So your back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 20, 1998
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of god damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the
house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. it's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 21, 1998
Ok Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight
maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids
a-milking, but they had to bring their god damn cows. There's shit
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me
smart ass.
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 22, 1998
Hey shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing,
and christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
there stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours asshole,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 23, 1998
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show
cause why the building should not be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One Who Means It
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dec 24, 1998
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through
the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All twenty
three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the
orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cajole
303 Knave St
Denver, Colorado
Dec 25, 1998
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction was of course total.
All correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you
on sight.
Enclosed please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cajole
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Ping Queenie - A Contemporary 12 Days of Christmas 
- very cute.
Linear Mode
